I desperately need to fix my car and fill up my bank account and feel like I'm some kind of success that makes sense to the world. Fear talking it's twisty words and making me afraid that time is running out on my good days and I had better get stuff fixed and handled right now. Fear that keeps me from sleeping which makes the days feel like so much weight and worry. Fear keeps me stuck, sucks my creativity and gumption and I believe it...for bits of time..
Here is what I have figured out. Self care defeats fear. Because using the tools that make you strong, well fed, hydrated, rested and happy help truth and hope come flooding back in. Instead of applying for jobs that are like an itchy sweater that is too tight, I'm doing what I know I need to do to get where I want to go. I'm spending my time in that place. In the middle of it. Making things that I want to make, taking the leap of building a website (where this blog can live right next to my online store) a place that you can land and everything, all my whole bundle of hopes, dreams and the things I believe will live. I've gotten creative with how I work social media, ever mindful of how other's are working things but making sure I stick with my vision and purpose. I made a routine of how I get up in the morning and end my day all filled with the actions that relieve my stress, help with overthinking and keeping myself in peaceful place. Make time for my workouts, eat well, drink a whole lot of water, put my legs up a wall, stretch, take care of my skin and hair. Learn about foods that will fuel and lift me up. Stay away from the things that drag me down to the place where fear has a seat at the table.
I am quite simply in the middle of it. Creating that life that feels like my favorite tee shirt instead of the itchy sweater. I want maybe do some freelance writing and I have no idea what that looks like. I mean to be intentional here with this blog. I am working on the website and making collections of goods that feel like what I meant to make. I am saying yes to getting together with people so I don't feel disconnected (I say no a lot and I'm over that) . Making time to hang with the sons that are still in my house but creating boundaries so they don't ask so much and learn to take care of themselves. Saving for the car repairs and with grace accepting rides from friends. Trusting the direction I am heading...Trusting the things I believe in are here to serve me well. I'm not there, yet, I don't think there is actually a there to get to but I do know it feels like the middle of it and I like it. I have no idea when I won't feel like this, maybe never but I certainly do feel that might actually be the place where I am supposed to be. The bank account will be fine, my business is starting to flow like a river, or a creek which is fine too. A trickle is good.....a million tiny steps towards something is better than sitting at the table with fear. And certainly there is more than enough time for everything I mean to be doing. I am here to tell you, if you wonder when things will get better, they will get better the moment you decide to live right here and now. And trust that just a step is a journey, and that your big hopes, dreams, wishes, ideas and visions are there for a reason and don't ignore what it is you mean to do. Get in the middle of it and you will see.
Love Wildly
Barbara
