"Don't let your mind get weary
And confused, your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child,
Inside you there's a strength that lies
Be here now, be here now""
It's been a difficult few years for my heart. I've traveled through some deep sadness, hopelessness and anger. Desperate and frantic to face, understand and speak my truth. Rising up to stand on shaky legs and figuring out how to walk and run on my own terms. At the same time fiercely defending my right to be who I am and do what I want, making sure this life counts in the way that makes sense to my tangled nature.
I had plans for myself, plans for my business, plans for where I would live. Big ginormous scary amazing plans...Big wish list and a lack of patience to wait for timing or financial security to back it all up. So then....I got even more angry, sad and hopeless. Darn it! I had done the work, faced the dragons, fought the battles and truly thought it was TIME FOR ME TO GO! So mad that I had worked so hard to face up to the stuff that was hard to admit, worked so hard to come to terms with it, worked so so so very hard. And then it seems....Life, God, the Universe had other plans . It wasn't time.
In the middle of it all, a move to a new home. Our landlord of 7 years gave us 2 months to leave for no good reason other than she wanted to upgrade the house and probably raise the rent. It felt like wayyyyy tooooo much...all of it... If you haven't searched for a place to live in a while, let me tell you, it's not fun. AT ALL.... But with a week to spare, I found a good place, location was good, house had good spaces and even a sewing room for me. The move happened which was again NOT FUN AT ALL...And yet I was oddly disconnected. And kind of angry. This wasn't the move I wanted for myself ...But here I was in this lovely home, with nooks and crannies for my pissed off spirit, places asking me to just be, yet I was still resisting it all. The holidays approaching and here I was trying to hold onto a position of "I need to go" when truly I was being called to settle in.
A week in this new house with blank walls calling and rooms ready to be filled with personal and pretty things, I sat down in my comfy chair and cried. I was resisting being one tiny bit happy because it felt like I had given up all I had worked so hard to understand. That I was selling out because I didn't move myself into that sweet apartment with a window and part time parent status. Because if I allowed myself to be happy here, I was not being true to the truths I had fought so hard for. And then.....I heard the words ringing in my heart and head..... "STOP BEING SAD"
I fought it all, the newness of the home, my children's happiness, the making it cozy and homey. It wasn't what I had wanted. I had visions of a tiny sweet apartment with a big window and freedom from my anger and resentment. I wanted peace and calm and quiet. But that didn't live in a tiny sweet apartment after all, it doesn't live in a tiny house, a big cabin or this house. It doesn't live in a place, it lives in a heart and a soul... DUH....the next big lesson. To be happy even when I wasn't happy. Let me say that again, lovely ones....To be happy even when I wasn't happy...
I have taken off my sadness and anger, just like that. All of that righteous indignation that I needed to get to here. All anger that wasn't my strength, my courage or my fierce determination but it was easy to confuse it as such. It was a fire that I needed to warm my hands so that I could find my way through the cold and dark. Like an itchy sweater, I took it off. And for the record, sadness and anger weigh a TON! and then... I settled in. Not just into this house, but into a schedule that is different than I had planned, into finding a way to communicate and negotiate with someone I didn't think I could do that with, into my life as it is right now. I settled in to me. Moment by moment being okay right here, right now. That's not selling out, that's finding my way.
The other night, I was in my comfy chair in the sweet little family room corner of the new house wrapped in a soft blanket with candle glow in the kitchen. In the other room my 18 year old had friends over playing video games in the living room and I was watching some TV. Peaceful and quiet. I felt it. The settling in, the thing I fought. Peace where I didn't think peace would be found. Strength in surrendering to where I find myself and being happy with that. My son's friends looked up and said "it's good to see you so happy, Mrs. Wiggins" and I said. "I Am"
I am always going to be a tangled restless girl, seeking the absolute truth like it's my treasure, my wild heart...my nature. But I'm getting some lessons in how to BE HERE and BE HAPPY that I did not expect. I sort of love surprises like that.
By the way I've missed this, the writing, you , sharing....all of it. I feel like I came home...