Tuesday, July 31, 2018

The Girl with the Daisy on her Head

I need to put my phone down more.

I've never been successful at meditation but I am good at looking up into the sky and letting the world fall away.  So that's what I've been doing in the form of spending time at night in the backyard hammock while the world gets dark and the stars come out to sparkle.  Away from the tv and the lights and the walls...Outside where I can walk barefoot on the grass and let the day gently wrap up.  I leave my phone inside and try to just be there without letting the thoughts and plans and ideas for making stuff invade this precious magical time.  Refresh and relax.. let the world and every thought fade away, just a little break from the noise of life.

The other night in the hammock as I felt the air cool and sweet breeze let the leaves of the apple trees whisper to each other, I fell asleep.....and had a dream.  I dreamt I had roots coming through my feet and up through my legs where they turned into a  plant stem. As the stem grew, a daisy popped out of my head. Like a sweet little daisy hat that shaded me in the hot summer and decorated my hair. It was a little unruly, a wild daisy on the top of my head. At first people were really freaked out, because....I had a daisy on my head.  But then they got used to it.  "Oh, it's Barbara, the girl with the daisy on her head"  it was just a part of me.  


https://morganharpernichols.com/


This funny quirky dream has stuck with me and I've tried to figure out what it means...And then yesterday I re-stumbled on a bunch of words I had seen on an Instgram feed and saved in my phone because, the time may come when I know why they caught my attention...and suddenly.  Connection.  The very thing I was searching for had found me...when I got quiet and listened or rather dreamed.

There it is...the things we think are challenging and making life feel so heavy...The things that we can't figure out and the times we feel we are squeezing ourselves through small openings. The doors we can't open and the ones that refuse to close.  Life changes we want and don't want.  The disconnectedness and ache in our hearts....and the good stuff. The whispers of life calling us in new directions,  memories, family and friends who do see us when we don't see ourselves.  The rush of excitement when a passion comes to rest in your hands or eyes.  All of it.   Blooming.   Let the roots and stem grow  inside you until your blossom pops out of the top of your head and you wear it like a beautiful crown regardless of what anyone else may think or say.   Blooming...




"Someone told me there's a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair"

Love Wildly and Bloom.
Barbara



Friday, June 29, 2018

In the middle of it.....

So a few months ago I declared how I was going to rock my little business and write all the time...And I haven't done either exactly the way I meant to. What I have done a lot of is apply for jobs, part time minimum wage jobs.  And I don't want any of them.  Which is okay because none of them seem to want a 60 old dreamer who is happiest making stuff and writing words. And why would I apply for jobs I don't want and that don't want me?  Simple...It's fear talking.  Stupid, mean, defeating fear.

I desperately need to fix my car and fill up my bank account and feel like I'm some kind of success that makes sense to the world.  Fear talking it's twisty words and making me afraid that time is running out on my good days and I had better get stuff fixed and handled right now.  Fear that keeps me from sleeping which makes the days feel like so much weight and worry. Fear keeps  me stuck, sucks my creativity and gumption and I believe it...for bits of time..

Here is what I have figured out. Self care defeats fear. Because using the tools that make you strong, well fed, hydrated, rested and happy help truth and hope come flooding back in.  Instead of applying for jobs that are like an itchy sweater that is too tight,  I'm doing what I know I need to do to get where I want to go. I'm spending my time in that place.  In the middle of it.  Making things that I want to make, taking the leap of building a website (where this blog can live right next to my online store) a place that you can land and everything, all my whole bundle of hopes, dreams and the things I believe will live.  I've gotten creative with how I work social media, ever mindful of how other's are working things but making sure I stick with my vision and purpose.  I made a routine of how I get up in the morning and end my day all filled with the actions that relieve my stress, help with overthinking and keeping myself in peaceful place. Make time for my workouts, eat well, drink a whole lot of water, put my legs up a wall, stretch, take care of my skin and hair.  Learn about foods that will fuel and lift me up.  Stay away from the things that drag me down to the place where fear has a seat at the table.

I am quite simply in the middle of it.  Creating that life that feels like my favorite tee shirt instead of the itchy sweater. I want  maybe do some freelance writing and I have no idea what that looks like. I mean to be intentional here with this blog. I am working on the website and making collections of goods that feel like what I meant  to make. I am saying yes to getting together with people so I don't feel disconnected (I say no a lot and I'm over that)  . Making time to hang with the sons that are still in my house but creating boundaries so they don't ask so much and learn to take care of themselves.  Saving for the car repairs and with grace accepting rides from friends. Trusting the direction I am heading...Trusting the things I believe in are here to serve me well.  I'm not there, yet, I don't think there is actually a there to get to but I do know it feels like the middle of it and I like it.  I have no idea when I won't feel like this, maybe never but I certainly do feel that might  actually be the place where I am supposed to be.  The bank account will be fine, my business is starting to flow like a river, or a creek which is fine too. A trickle is good.....a million tiny steps towards something is better than sitting at the table with fear. And certainly there is more than enough time for everything I mean to be doing. I am  here to tell you, if you wonder when things will get better, they will get better the moment you decide to live right here and now.  And trust that just a step is a journey, and that your big hopes, dreams, wishes, ideas and visions are there for a reason and don't ignore what it is you mean to do.  Get in the middle of it and you will see.



Love Wildly
Barbara

Wednesday, May 30, 2018

Oh Jack

I've tried to start this posts about 37 times in the last few months....I haven't found all the words and erased all 37 tries.  But today I must breathe and get the words out. Because today my youngest child graduates from high school.  The end and the beginning of so many things.....

I had Jack when I was 43, his older brother when I was 40.  Way past the time a girl should get pregnant .  Way after his older three siblings, way after I expected to be a new mom again. He was a beautiful surprise even though I counted the years on my fingers and knew I would be so much older than the other moms as he went through school.  I remember clearly the shock I felt when I realized I would be 60 when he graduated from high school  and admit I was just a teeny bit freaked out.  But it felt so right and important.  And then Jack showed up, he came  3 weeks early and although he was nearly 8 pounds, he looked tiny and fragile like a little bird.  Jack was always easy, from the start he snuggled up and slept like he was born to fill that spot next to my neck.  Quite simply, he was the last piece to my puzzle, then and now.

When he was in Kindergarten he developed quite a story about himself.  He told me he was the son of an Eagle mom and she taught him to fly, then she gave him to his Cheetah mom who taught him to hunt and run fast.  When she had taught him, she gave him to me for the rest of the loving and teaching.  I gladly accepted the honor and with his eagle eye and cheetah speed, I tried to teach him about life but he truly taught me instead.  I am anxious and worried, he is calm and easy.  I find it hard to just be and tend to get a little serious and weighty, he is light and has the be still thing down to an art. He shows up and is friendly, he is loving and welcoming.   He is kindness and goodness down to his core.  He extends his hand to pull up the ones he tackles in football. If you ask him about anyone at school,  he says they are his buddies and means it. He  carries in him, an easily wounded heart that he may have gotten from me.   He loved football  and spent much of his off seasons working to be stronger and better. He soaked up every minute of  his senior season like nothing else and I loved watching him. I loved screaming his name on Friday nights in the fall. He is strong in body and in spirit.  He is funny, he loves movies of adventures, super heroes and fantasy tales. He loves space and things that take some pondering about.. He loves shows about making swords and building things and he loves animals, probably thanks to his Eagle and Cheetah moms.

What I know for sure is that his full life is ahead of him, he will in his thoughtful and earnest way figure out who he is and what he wants to do with his days and years.  He is like the Earth, soft, nurturing and strong enough to grow anything or hold anyone.  He is brave and he is true.  And he is so full of deep human emotions and truths while at the same time he is light and so very funny. He is comfort and he can create some amazing food if there is enough cheese in the fridge.  I cannot today look back with any sadness, except perhaps with wistfulness about how years fly by so very fast...it was so fun and heart healing. I so look forward to watching him soar, I look forward to our relationship in all the stages of life.  I look forward to knowing him forever.  He was a child of love from the start and he will continue to love and be love in all the days to come. He keeps me dancing, singing, resting and breathing when it doesn't come easy and that is everything.



Tonight I will shout his name and clap loud through my tears as I sit in that football stadium under the full moon and know that this is the start of everything glorious to come. You shine like the stars Jack Buster Wiggins and it has always been and will always be my great joy to be your human mom. let's do this...

Love Wildly,
B







Friday, March 30, 2018

Open Windows and a Mini Pizza

It has been a day you guys.  There was this big tumultuous thing with my sons.  The last two at home and growing faster, more independent and older by the day.  The youngest is graduating from high school in 2 months and the other is 20, working and going to the local junior college.  We are all a bit on edge this week, the ball joint in the truck my 20 year old drives went out, and if you are like me, you didn't know that the thing that holds the wheel to the axle is called the ball joint, the thing that keeps the wheel from laying on it's side like it is now. It's a catastrophic thing when it breaks and let me first say that I am beyond grateful that when it happened, he was safe when it could have easily gone a different direction. But now after taking it to 2 different repair places by tow truck because .....totally not driveable.  Both places said they could repair it for about $500 but when it got looked at they upped it to $3900.  Let me tell you straight up.  The truck is not work even half of that but things being how they are, a new truck payment is not in the cards. So the stress of that situation combined with my no job and trying to make a business take off and be profitable situation has caused me many many hours of living on the edge of losing my mind  on a daily basis.

Here is the thing, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that life has a way of unfolding and somehow things will be okay.  The looming phone bill and this repair that has my stomach in twisted knots....all of the things like this, will get handled, life will go on and it will be okay. I know that .  It's just I'm a stresser kind of girl.  So this morning what would be a minor thing turned big between my sons and I.  Hurt feelings and built up worry exploded into the kind of thing you never want to have with people you love. I felt left out and unappreciated, they felt I am over dramatic have NO CHILL.  And we all said a whole lot of things in quick bursts of loud emotional crazy unloading that could have sounded like yelling. NEVER ever a proud thing for me. Losing control and just hurling words and tears all over the place. And then it was over. Me still in tears because this stuff sucks and I hate it and them wanting it over and to move on. We all wanted that. So Hank went off on a 2 day vacation (lucky him) after many hugs and I'm sorries.  And my youngest son Jack took me to lunch.

Let me also say that 1. I don't eat or sleep well when I am stressed. AT ALL. 2.  I'm really trying to be healthy and make great food choices 3. Did I mention that I'm very low on money and not splurging on treats ( frugality is good but sometimes it's hard).  So without being judgy about the smells in his vehicle or letting any of my negative worry thoughts slip out, we went to lunch.  We tried a new pizza place that makes individual pizzas to your special order and you can watch them in the open pizza oven.  I got a super amazing veggie pizza with white sauce on a thin crust.  Jack got his favorite Pepperoni and Pineapple.  We got a big chocolate chip cookie with sea salt on the top to split and....we had root beer.  Old fashioned, not diet, root beer.    And we talked about graduation, big plans, football and girls.  No phones, nothing else beyond being at lunch and having pizza and root beer. I didn't think about the sugar in the root beer or the processed wheat in the pizza crust.  I let that cookie sit in my mouth and I enjoyed every single bit of all of it.  I let the argument and the truck repair worry slip away.  Just my boy and I having lunch. Oh how I needed this.

We drove home with his truck windows down, the weather is that perfect mix of warm but not too warm, the weather where we live hoovers there for a bit in the spring and fall and today was just such a perfect windows down day. I opened all the windows in the house when I got home, realized I was exhausted and I lay down for a nap.  The cat joined me and Jack opened his windows and lay down as well. I let the angst of the fight and the financial stuff float on out those open windows. I let myself let go for an hour feeling a little more content and appreciative. I remembered how much I trust the unfolding of things (so do it already) and how very much I needed to breathe.

I woke up and felt cleansed. Like I can gather my resources both financial and emotional back together and take on the stuff life throws my way.  My young men are learning how to be in this world, they don't mean to be inconsiderate and difficult and I certainly do not want our only interactions to be over the top and so emotionally charged. Maybe I do need to find some Chill and get used to not being turned up to freakout mode all the time. We came clean with each other, we hugged and said we loved each other and all promised to do better.   Tomorrow a friend of my husband is showing up with his car fixing tools and together they will tackle the broken ball joint.  I'll be here making and writing my way to financial success (putting it out there Universe, do your thing) and when Hank gets home on Sunday we will have my ham and scalloped potatoes like every Easter Sunday. Life stuff...good life stuff

We will be okay.  The truck will get fixed, the phone bill will get paid and life will go on.  On a day such as this it's important to remember all of that . It's good to roll the truck windows when you drive around town and go get a pizza once in a while.  The world will keep spinning.  Amen.



LOVE Wildly.

Barbara

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Showing up

 I don't ever want to go to the gym... I could come up with a hundred or 3 million reasons that I have other more important things to do.  But I go ..not as often as I should which is silly because I am ALWAYS glad I went.  Because showing up is the deal.   Getting there, ready or not and doing the stuff that I am avoiding.  Starting is always harder than it should be but when I'm done, I feel like I own the world.  The whole thing, all of it is mine. At least at that moment..

I think this may apply to a whole lot of life things.  Creating reasons why I can't or don't want to do it today.  I know I could write a book about how to not do stuff.  But as always, good things happen when I actually do show up.. when I make space and time for the things I know I will love and want once I'm in the middle of it.  That's sort of where I am with life right now, wanting to be and do more but still avoiding the showing up and just being present.  Participating in the good life moments by just being there....

Yesterday I showed up big time. I made stuff, I wrote here, I took pictures of the stuff I made, listed them in my online shop, sent the links and pictures to social media pages and dropped an order off at the post office to ship out.  It was a good productive day, nothing outstanding but it was the kind of day I am here for.

This morning I wanted to eat cinnamon raisin toast and sleep in til 10.  Instead I got up, had a healthy breakfast and headed to the gym. You see when I'm stuck in my worries, I self medicate with naps and carbs.  Today I didn't do that. I met a friend for a good workout and rewarded myself with an amazing salad. Came home, cleaned the kitchen well and got to work in my sewing space looking out at the trees.   It wasn't  big or fancy, just doing the things to take me where I want to go..  One day at a time, having a plan and purpose and being present.  Showing up for myself; showing up for life...  It's self care, it's a daily practice and effort but so much more fulfilling and effective than naps and toast.




Til tomorrow.

Love Wildly
Barbara

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

One Day at a Time

It's time to be committed to the writing of things.  What I know best is where I am in the middle of this middle age thing.  Maybe I don't know it all but I surely have overthought life and all the things that got me from there to here and in trying to be present, maybe putting it all into this space is the best way to navigate and share .  So this spot will be my safe place, talk about my day, speak my truth and connect to the world kind of place. I'll hopefully grow as a writer and stop overthinking and letting the unfolding of this part of life happen.  The story of my story.

I've had some incredible moments of sureness and purpose in the past couple of months since my day job ended. I've also had some horrible feelings of failure.  Keep in mind I haven't done much in the way of making things happen, I worked a quilt retreat and watched snow fall in the mountains for days. I've reorganized my work space and 12 bins of fabric so I can find my "supplies". I've weathered an awful cold/flu thing that roared through my family.  I've been so sure that my little handmade business would explode with all the things I made and I was so sure I would make enough to pay my bills. And to be sure, I've had some sweet things happen but truly I haven't been as productive as I should or need to be. Which makes being discouraged and fearful a really silly thing, because I haven't done the work that I know will take me where I want to be. I let other stuff take up my time.

Last night I let this huge doubt cloud engulf me and I lost my vision for a few hours. I cried a lot in overthinking, frustration and sense of failing (when I haven't even truly tried!!! omg the emotional minefields I can create!!). I filled out applications for jobs I don't want through tears and unsureness. My bank account is pitiful and empty and I keep wondering how it is at my age I am here, unsure and low on resources. But the thing is, I wouldn't let my children fall down this rabbit hole. I would tell them that they hold the answers to all their worries in their own hands. I would tell them to breathe, step outside and remember their plans and purpose.  And I would make them drink water, stretch, go to the gym and get some sleep. And then do the next thing they are here to do...I would guide them through the self care they need to remember who they are and what they are capable of. Yes I get that I need to parent myself through this crisis of my own making.

I am here because my life didn't travel a safe straight line.  I am here because I believe in something that I can't quite put my hands on but know is important and real. I am here because I'm making space for the things that matter which includes letting my creative soul come out into the light even when the doubt cloud is hovering. So today I drank some water, stretched my body, worked out and slept well.  I ate a good breakfast and got to work. In my pajamas, with my hair in the messy ponytail I slept in. I made a to do list of 10 things and am working my way through.  And I'm here, writing stuff down because I love the writing down of stuff. I had a couple of sales, I have a growing stack of cute things that will be sent to my favorite wholesale shop in the world and I listed stuff in Etsy. That is progress of a tangible nature.  I am here feeling less like a failure and more like a girl who is building what she intends to build. Because I did the things I meant to do.

Yesterday was my dad's birthday and it's been a while since I could sit and talk with him. I miss his way of listening and then teaching me to sort it out. I wondered what he would say if I told him all the stuff that is weighing on my heart and I remembered a sign he had in his woodshop classroom.  It said " your mother isn't in this class, clean up after yourself"    That was his way, take care of your own stuff.  I think if he was around, he would tell me to stop crying and wasting time looking for jobs I don't want.  Be realistic, do the work, make the things, work the plan and don't let doubt win. I think as always he would be right. Just keep going and stop crying and wringing my hands.. Remember  stand out under the stars each night to remember how much I love a curvy road.



So that's that..  Where I am today.  I'll see you all tomorrow, you can count on that.

Love Wildly
Barbara


Tuesday, February 27, 2018

Me


Daughter
Sister
Mother
Wife
Grandmother
Friend
Worker

Maker, big dreamer, truth speaker, story teller, love giver, star gazer, open hearted, wild and willful. flower gatherer.
Clumsy, easy crier, loud talker, constant singer, emotion wearer, peace seeker. Ninja warrior princess when called.
Hug giver, strength chaser, moved by music, frugal, creative, afternoon napper, food lover, comforter. Conflicted and sure. Heart aching, love craver. over sharer, constant talker. cowgirl without a horse.
Squirrel brain, midnight thinker, moon dancer, barefoot always, hair tangled, lie hater,  love and truth , avoider, procrastinator, bad joke teller, at last unbroken. Simple style. Cluttered and uncluttering. Wishful wanderer, brave and fearful, over-thinker, bad saver.
Business builder, fabric hoarder, needle and thread, book reader, too frequent smart phone user, self care giver.... rain, mountains, movie musicals, good quotes, grey tee shirts, clouds, ferris wheels, small birds, animals, beach, breeze, sun, freckles,curves, simple and complex, health and fitness finder, soul tender.  Live out louder. Wild flower.  Me




Love Wildly
Barbara