Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Slip Away

My 4th child, my son Hank is making college decisions.

 This boy, the one who from the beginning hasn't been afraid of a thing, not the first day of kindergarten or tracking down runaway roosters. He rode a big horse, he walked farm roads with his dog Buddy and faced down bullies bigger than he was. He  doesn't back down and when he does wrong, he owns it and takes what comes for what he does. This  wild child of mine born with wirey hair that felt like it belonged on a grown man not a smooth faced baby and never wanted to be held too tight. The football player who plays bigger than his measured size and doesn't do a thing the way everyone else tells him but does it the way his heart leads.  He is stubborn, impossible, bossy and so confident you could think he was arrogant if the confidence wasn't so warranted. He tolerates no half truths and will charm the shirt off his brother's back if he thinks he will wear it better. He has style and fire and he is as frustrating as he is loyal. He loves loud music with words no mother should have to hear and he navigates situations with straightforward truth. He doesn't always do what he should but he always knows why he does what he does. I tell him not to drive fast and he gets a speeding ticket. Until he knows something is right for him, all the advice and parenting directions are of no use, he will find his way and do it with enthusiasm even when you think he is down and out, he is  rising. He is emotional and strong, he is messy and neat. He is a rule breaker, boundary tester, charmer, all in, whole hearted participant in life. He doesn't lie and he isn't fake. He is wonderful and difficult and he carries my heart in his hands.

He is talking to college coaches and dreaming dreams. I am filling out forms and applications. He is thinking about where he wants to go and who he will meet. He is thinking about girls and dorms and football, teammates and new adventures. I am awake at night wondering how I will breathe and calculating miles between here and where ever THERE might be. I am proud and I am scared and happy and sad. He is wondering how soon it will all get here, I am hoping it stays months away but knowing it will feel like minutes. I practice not crying when we talk about it, I practice my calm mom face when I am anything but calm. And I do everything I can to make sure this all happens for him. Because I love him enough to want him to go and find his way in the world even though it means I won't have his loud music in my house or his friends spread across his bedroom sleeping on a Saturday morning after a late night of loudness and video games. I want him to go even though setting 3 places at the table  instead of 4 seems impossibly hard.   Mostly, I want him to go because it is time, it is his time and he wants to go more than I need him to stay. And soon we will have an answer to the WHERE question and I will calculate the miles between here and there. Not that I will travel those miles too often because I know that this journey doesn't always have room for me. A phone call away just like his brother and sisters before him and like them I will cry more than a few times as he slips away with one last hug. We will adjust and grow but oh how much I will miss Hank.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015


I have a huge amount of work to get done and that is a very very good thing but it stresses me out when I feel like I am running behind, which is almost always. And then there is the issue of me being an inherently disorganized girl who is craving some organization. And just look at the stuff on my work table. 


I need peace and I need storms. I need solitude and I need people. I like color and I like white.  Music so loud it shakes the windows and absolute silence....stillness. I want my children to stay young and in my house and I want them to go off to College and find their lives.  I like Dogs AND Cats.  I like the cold air on my skin and the sun on my shoulders. Long messy hair and a cute short haircut.  The beach AND the mountains as well as the prairies and rolling foothills...It goes on and on and on like that. And that is just how I am. That is the tangled and not so orderly part of my nature. The contradictions that are me. Translated from my personal life right into my design and business style. I try to put my signature on everything so my work is has a "look" and style that people will come to recognize as Wildflower 57. But then there are  there are all those contradictions. I guess in the end we follow our true wild nature and trust that we are the way we are and know we are just  perfect that way..... or rather perfectly imperfect the way we are. Be You and  God Bless the contrasts, the mismatchedness, the tangled and the contradictions....

Love wins