Tuesday, July 28, 2015

The Unraveling.....

It's been a while because there is so much in my heart and head, I didn't know where to start or what to say for a while. So I stayed a little quiet while I gathered my thoughts and did some sorting...I want to warn you...this is a personal one, more than usual.

For nearly 19 years I set my alarm for 30 minutes before his, so I could make breakfast and often a lunch and a cup of hot chocolate that he called "coffee".  I did this to show my appreciation for his hard work at a hard job in all kinds of hard weather and my appreciation for him....And I did it when there was no work and he had no place to go except in front of the TV.  I did it on weekends and holidays. I did it when things were good and I did it when things were horribly wrong. I did it when I questioned and was up all night in tears with confusion and ache.  And I did it when I had work to go to.  Breakfast and "coffee"....Until about a year  ago on a Saturday when I was getting ready for work and didn't have time and he had all day, I told him I couldn't make it on time if I didn't finish getting dressed. And as I headed to the bathroom to dry my hair...... I heard it down the hallway from the spot on the couch where he was watching TV.... "Lazy Bitch"..... and that was the start of the unraveling. When the fight to save this stopped.

 I'm not a "this isn't working for me" kind of girl, I do NOT give up easy on anything I feel is important and I take marriage very seriously. I don't throw around words I don't mean, words like divorce and leaving until and only until I mean it. 19 years of pushing aside what I know isn't okay and hoping that the stuff I believed in was enough to help us rise. I LOVED this man deeply and without a thought for what I knew was  the hard truths about our relationship and huge differences.  I loved him, fought for that love, shouted out about that love and wore it like a favorite tee shirt. I did this until I couldn't do it anymore. What I said and felt wasn't a lie, it was my everything and I was letting go like pushing off from a life raft in a storm.   In the depths of agonizing, it became clear that what I had identified as love was at times something totally different. Love simply cannot hurt so much of the time.    And there  was some horrible horrible stuff about me that I had to wade through (that was fun) until I realized I had to love myself to survive....to stop fighting the fight to save something I couldn't and didn't want to save. It was beyond hard to admit I had failed.  I carried the weight of my children and their happiness.  I carried the weight of how it looks to family and friends. I carried the weight of not loving any longer. I carried fears and lost hopes and good memories along with the bad ones. I carried the weight and I was drowning, I simply had to start to swim towards the light, back up to the fresh air and breathe again.... If that is selfish then call me selfish.  I've heard worse.

I am writing this post this morning after a very long night and day of no sleep and lots of tears, this stuff, the unraveling doesn't and SHOULDN'T come easy.  So now this... I also feel the need to address something..... As I have shared my stories about many things, with an open heart and tendency to share truth that are a bit prickly and not so pretty. Because I know I am NOT ALONE in my experiences and truths. I hope by speaking out and being real that connections and uplifting will happen. I am a story teller and that means the ugly stuff too (I'm so ready for the good stuff y'all).  This not so easy bit of life, I have tried to keep it extremely  authentic, sometimes that will bite you in the butt. I believe I have talked about my fears about how I will live, the financial part of all of this which is a very real concern and I'm being very careful to ensure that I have a plan in place so that I don't end up in my car on the streets. One of my posts were read by a young woman in my husband's office, I don't know her.  She had him read that particular post ( he has "NO INTEREST" and doesn't follow anything I do in my handmade business or with this blog and has never read any of my words before, good or bad) and together they surmised that I was asking for people to fund my "freedom".... This was thrown at me last night, that I was begging through my blog for money.... Let me be 100 percent  real with you.  I will never ever ask for or beg for money for ANYTHING...AT ALL.  I am a DIY, gritty, figure it out, make shit work, creative, resourceful girl and have managed to turn a box of old sheets into a business that I am super proud of and love dearly. That is what I believe in and that is what I expect to fund my life and provide for my family. Hard work and more hard work.  If ever anything has come across as a plea for you all to fund my "freedom", I want to make it completely clear that is not and never will be the case.   I have faith that money is money, it is much easier to find than happiness and peace. I have a plan to ensure that our needs are met and that's all I need to know. I will make it in this world because I can. I don't doubt that and in no way expect anyone but me to support myself and my kids, I truly wouldn't want it any other way.  I got this.....

So as I unravel this life I've known with this man amidst some very real sadness and loss,  I face an unknown, totally TERRIFYING yet hopeful and happy future at an age when an unknown future is probably more terrifying than I can tell you. But....for me, I think it's important to grab what you can that is good and right in life. To chase the best of things because your time here is precious, way too precious to be sad and live on a battlefield all of the time.  The ONLY thing I ask for is good wishes, prayers, kind words and some understanding. I appreciate the time you all take to read my stuff, I have so many good stories , I LOVE to write and share slices of life and what it looks like from here and I hope you stick around for the good stuff...it's coming my friends. I remain Barefoot and Tangled. I'm off to clean out another closet because there is a move coming.....I adore you all.

<3 Barbara