― Brené Brown
When I started this blog, I had a choice....I could write about the surface stuff like how my business is doing or the shiny version, the one with the pulled together outfits, clean house, I'm so awesome in everything I do kind of stories. You know the version that makes other people think I'm something I'm not. I decided that if I was going to do this blog thing, I needed to do it on my terms, with my story being woven through the shiny stuff. I could have just told you all funny mom stories or talked about what is easy to talk about but I'm not that kind of girl. I have an intense need to be authentic and tangled because I'm sort of over doing what I should, saying what others are comfortable with and trying to be something I'm not. I'm a girl with a story and it's not always pretty, but it is real and it is me.
Trying to figure out where to draw the line about what to share and what not to let out of my heart, I'm not sure can do that. So I speak and write my truth. My story. We all have them and we should tell about them, at least that is what I believe. It's not easy to unmask ourselves and show the grit along with the good stuff. I think they go hand in hand and I think that nobody has it 100 percent together. I don't think we need to. And in the telling and listening of stories, I truly believe we should respect and honor the authentic, raw stuff that we are handed by others. I just do.
Recently, a blog post was read to someone who doesn't respect or care for who I am and has no respect for what I have to say. And then my words were twisted and thrown back at me like a weapon. I got scared and defensive and found the unbrave girl in me scrambling for cover and wishing I hadn't said anything that was real and offensive to the word thrower. And I took the cowards way out, I deleted a few blog posts. And as I write that last sentence, my heart actually feels like it's breaking because I let myself down. I betrayed my promise to myself to live with my truth and vulnerability shamelessly. Because I got scared. After the brave acts of sharing my truth here in a public way, I stopped trusting myself because one person shamed me about speaking my mind. Dude...this so isn't the way I mean to be.....
So first of all I'm sorry I wimped out and deleted my posts. I regret it because I can't get them back and I was proud of those posts. They were the most difficult and raw things I have ever written and I thought they were beautiful. Words flowed in a way they don't often flow... that part of the story telling was magical and hard.
Second of all, I won't get scared again.
Third of all....I do have a pretty life, there are wonderful, amazing things going on, woven into my story which happens at this moment to include some things that aren't so pretty. But that is where clarity and joy are found. Underneath the worry that people don't want to hear your story down where the truth is. Under the shame and fear are beautiful things. I won't keep them hidden. This isn't about the person who turned my story on me, this is about me staying brave and true. This is about the fact that I get to tell it the way I see it. Tangled truth..this is my life, this is my story.
By the way I heart Brene Brown.... http://brenebrown.com/my-blog/
Love wins
Barbara
Love wins and takes you with it -- and nobody gets to the finish line without setbacks. I've deleted things many times, or changed the audience that could see them, because like you I got a little scared of what somebody's reaction might be. That's no longer my standard -- my current mantra is "Do no harm, but take no shit." You're getting there, and honesty is your ticket for the rest of the ride!
ReplyDeletePut that on a t-shirt, Judy! I would totally buy it and I don't wear t-shirts. Love it!
DeleteI know I've told you this, like, a MILLION times, Barbara, but you ARE my hero. I am still not at a point where I have the courage or resources to do what I need to do but I'm doing what I can where I am. Keep the truth coming. You are making a difference, my dear friend!
ReplyDeleteWe all get scared and run at times. We all have set backs and want to delete or edit our posts. I started blogging because of you and Grit and Grace. I needed an out let to be me, as imperfect as I am, because there is something I'm searching for to create, and it hasn't appeared yet. I love your honesty and your words inspire me, just like Grit and Grace and just like Fat Head's Cuffs' Queenisms. I'm getting better at saying what I mean and want (but not cruel) and getting less of a pleaser of all peoples just because. Keep those blogs coming.... you inspire many of us! <3 <3
ReplyDeleteOh girl...you honor me with your comments. Thank you for reading my blog and I love that you are writing one too. I'll have to go take a peek and you know Grit and Grace and Fat Heads are so special to me. I like to keep good company ! <3 Barbara
DeleteYou are an excellent writer, a remarkably and delightfully open person. There will always be people who feel they need to shame others, on line, in person, appearing in our lives unexpected and uninvited. Odd as it sounds, even those encounters can be gifts...you were challenged, your sensitive self, hurt and wanting to flee, reacted, and through it you gained insight and strength of determination. Don't 'beat yourself up' over your response. So glad you are moving on. Writing about your Dad brings his spirit and support to your blog, far stronger and loving than whoever tainted your gift with their own 'issues'. I blog (through Word Press), I know that feeling of vulnerability, that is the nature of being a writer, whether on line or in print. And then there are times I feel very strong about what I share with the world. Thank you for sharing your gift.
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