Walking the Walk

Well I could tell you all the reasons and whys that I haven't been here, haven't written, haven't sewn and haven't been to the gym in a year. I could explain and go back but maybe just maybe it's not the way to go forward anymore.  I spent the last year finding out why I have felt physically and emotionally unbalanced for the last decade. Totally my fault for not dealing with it but there is more to it than blame. I simply just couldn't and then I could or rather I did and I'm glad for it. I did the best I could to do what was needed and that's that..... Moving on...



  


I'm so done with over thinking and over analyzing and all the angst that comes with it, especially the middle of the night variety. I'm ready to just live and live authentically with purpose and joy. I'll be happy because I choose to be,  I'll sew when I want, and I'll write when I want and I'll live how I want. I will honor my body and it's lovely hard work, the 5 children it carried and the me it carries still.  For an over-feeling, over-sharing, over-thinking girl it's not easy to just trust the way. But I do. I will not apologize for the space I take up or the noise I make, nor will I feel badly for putting myself and my path at the top the list. I will make things, sew-stitch-knit to my heart's content, I will write, I will move my body, I will walk in the mountains, put my feet in any body of water I can find,  I'll stand under the stars and talk to the moon, I'll curl up on the couch and watch silly TV or movies, I will eat good food and learn to nourish myself in all ways, I'll drink tons of water and do a face mask on Sundays, I will grow my hair and I will cut my hair on a whim, I will nap when I want to,   I will probably get another tattoo. I will ride a horse again this year and I'm plan to learn to make amazing mini blackberry pies. I will wear what I want,  I will read all the books on my night stand or maybe I'll get a totally new book and read that, I will take road trips to anywhere I want, spend time with people I adore whenever I can, maybe revive my handmade business or maybe not but mostly and most importantly.....I'll stop explaining or defending who I am, what I choose to do or what I stand for. I'm going to answer the questions about life by just living this big amazing decade of my life that I've been waiting for.  I think I will walk my walk and see where the winding road goes...  Here is to living life....

Happiest of New Years to you all.

<3 Barbara

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
~Mary Oliver , The Summer Day~

Showing up

 I don't ever want to go to the gym... I could come up with a hundred or 3 million reasons that I have other more important things to do.  But I go ..not as often as I should which is silly because I am ALWAYS glad I went.  Because showing up is the deal.   Getting there, ready or not and doing the stuff that I am avoiding.  Starting is always harder than it should be but when I'm done, I feel like I own the world.  The whole thing, all of it is mine. At least at that moment..

I think this may apply to a whole lot of life things.  Creating reasons why I can't or don't want to do it today.  I know I could write a book about how to not do stuff.  But as always, good things happen when I actually do show up.. when I make space and time for the things I know I will love and want once I'm in the middle of it.  That's sort of where I am with life right now, wanting to be and do more but still avoiding the showing up and just being present.  Participating in the good life moments by just being there....

Yesterday I showed up big time. I made stuff, I wrote here, I took pictures of the stuff I made, listed them in my online shop, sent the links and pictures to social media pages and dropped an order off at the post office to ship out.  It was a good productive day, nothing outstanding but it was the kind of day I am here for.

This morning I wanted to eat cinnamon raisin toast and sleep in til 10.  Instead I got up, had a healthy breakfast and headed to the gym. You see when I'm stuck in my worries, I self medicate with naps and carbs.  Today I didn't do that. I met a friend for a good workout and rewarded myself with an amazing salad. Came home, cleaned the kitchen well and got to work in my sewing space looking out at the trees.   It wasn't  big or fancy, just doing the things to take me where I want to go..  One day at a time, having a plan and purpose and being present.  Showing up for myself; showing up for life...  It's self care, it's a daily practice and effort but so much more fulfilling and effective than naps and toast.

Til tomorrow.

Love Wildly
Barbara

One Day at a Time

It's time to be committed to the writing of things.  What I know best is where I am in the middle of this middle age thing.  Maybe I don't know it all but I surely have overthought life and all the things that got me from there to here and in trying to be present, maybe putting it all into this space is the best way to navigate and share .  So this spot will be my safe place, talk about my day, speak my truth and connect to the world kind of place. I'll hopefully grow as a writer and stop overthinking and letting the unfolding of this part of life happen.  The story of my story.

I've had some incredible moments of sureness and purpose in the past couple of months since my day job ended. I've also had some horrible feelings of failure.  Keep in mind I haven't done much in the way of making things happen, I worked a quilt retreat and watched snow fall in the mountains for days. I've reorganized my work space and 12 bins of fabric so I can find my "supplies". I've weathered an awful cold/flu thing that roared through my family.  I've been so sure that my little handmade business would explode with all the things I made and I was so sure I would make enough to pay my bills. And to be sure, I've had some sweet things happen but truly I haven't been as productive as I should or need to be. Which makes being discouraged and fearful a really silly thing, because I haven't done the work that I know will take me where I want to be. I let other stuff take up my time.

Last night I let this huge doubt cloud engulf me and I lost my vision for a few hours. I cried a lot in overthinking, frustration and sense of failing (when I haven't even truly tried!!! omg the emotional minefields I can create!!). I filled out applications for jobs I don't want through tears and unsureness. My bank account is pitiful and empty and I keep wondering how it is at my age I am here, unsure and low on resources. But the thing is, I wouldn't let my children fall down this rabbit hole. I would tell them that they hold the answers to all their worries in their own hands. I would tell them to breathe, step outside and remember their plans and purpose.  And I would make them drink water, stretch, go to the gym and get some sleep. And then do the next thing they are here to do...I would guide them through the self care they need to remember who they are and what they are capable of. Yes I get that I need to parent myself through this crisis of my own making.

I am here because my life didn't travel a safe straight line.  I am here because I believe in something that I can't quite put my hands on but know is important and real. I am here because I'm making space for the things that matter which includes letting my creative soul come out into the light even when the doubt cloud is hovering. So today I drank some water, stretched my body, worked out and slept well.  I ate a good breakfast and got to work. In my pajamas, with my hair in the messy ponytail I slept in. I made a to do list of 10 things and am working my way through.  And I'm here, writing stuff down because I love the writing down of stuff. I had a couple of sales, I have a growing stack of cute things that will be sent to my favorite wholesale shop in the world and I listed stuff in Etsy. That is progress of a tangible nature.  I am here feeling less like a failure and more like a girl who is building what she intends to build. Because I did the things I meant to do.

Yesterday was my dad's birthday and it's been a while since I could sit and talk with him. I miss his way of listening and then teaching me to sort it out. I wondered what he would say if I told him all the stuff that is weighing on my heart and I remembered a sign he had in his woodshop classroom.  It said " your mother isn't in this class, clean up after yourself"    That was his way, take care of your own stuff.  I think if he was around, he would tell me to stop crying and wasting time looking for jobs I don't want.  Be realistic, do the work, make the things, work the plan and don't let doubt win. I think as always he would be right. Just keep going and stop crying and wringing my hands.. Remember  stand out under the stars each night to remember how much I love a curvy road.

So that's that..  Where I am today.  I'll see you all tomorrow, you can count on that.

Love Wildly
Barbara

Just Like Fire

 I turned 60 a few weeks ago.  I whined a whole lot about it, partly in disbelief that I am an age that I always considered to be beyond my best years.  That was until I got here and it's sort of a jump in and enjoy it or cry and be a sadpants whiney baby.  Sadpants whiney baby doesn't sound so fun.  So I find myself asking myself "how does it really feel Barbara Wiggins...to be 60"  and I will tell you.  It feels like fire.  It feels like the volcano inside of me that has been bubbling under the thin surface is coming out to play and it's not going to be gentle or quiet at all..unless gentle and quiet are what I want at that moment. I am seriously not going to take much of anything that doesn't feel like it's working in my favor.

Let me be clear. I'm not angry at anyone.  The things that I have let hold me down and back, that's on me...., the notion that I have little choice in the matter of my own life, the excuses I make for my situation whatever that may be, also on me. I bought into other people's stories and promises with no proof that they were true....That shit stops now.  ( oh ..I forgot to warn you that there may be some cussing in this post.  I'm not sorry but if it offends you, I totally get it and you can get out right now before I go a little deeper).... So as I was saying.  I'm not angry at all. I'm just not interested in running all my actions, words, wardrobe choices, hairstyles, thoughts or feelings by anyone else for approval.  You can call it defiance, I call it waking the Hell up.

There have been a couple of things on my mind that got me to this place right here and right now.  ...First of all my lovely part time quilt shop job is going away.  The bosses are retiring and the shop is closing.  I have so enjoyed my 4 years there, I 've learned so very much but I've diverted my attention away from my own business and lately I've found myself sharp edged and easily frustrated which tells me, I'm ready for this even as bittersweet as it is.  I love the girls I work with and am hopeful we will find time for each other going forward.  When this news broke, I had a huge overflow of hot emotions...a crazy hot lava volcanic explosion  that clearly needed to be sorted out.  Fear, sadness, frustration, ,worry ......all of it....blew out of me with such a ferocity that I didn't understand or expect. So maybe, most certainly, the timing of this change while unforeseen, is not a bad thing at all.

And then this...my youngest son is finishing his last football season... which means his senior year is moving by at light speed.  My life has been for 35 plus years about taking care of my kids and while I have failed in many ways, my intention and love for them and what they need have been my driving force.  I have literally built my life around who needs what from me.  I've made job decisions and life decisions based on nurturing other people and being needed .   That being needed full time is waning. My older kids are nurturing their own babies and doing a far better job than I could ever do.  My youngest are 20 and 17 and I need to step off and let them do more of their own taking care of things so they are ready for the big leaving they keep talking about.  They have big plans to move out and onward together and while it's not imminent...it's getting closer and will happen before I blink 20 more times.  I must have my feet under me without depending on my children for my emotional and life balance.

I stood under the stars the other night with tears and fears all falling down around me. The cool air always soothes my spirit and the breeze whispers sweet love into my ear.  And as clear as anything, I heard "it's time to do what you are here to do"....It sounded a whole lot like my dad's voice and I imagine if I could possibly have 5 minutes with him , I would ask him what I should do.  And he would say "you got yourself here, you can get yourself anywhere you want to go, figure it out"..because he wasn't about finding my answers, he was about asking the questions and letting me find my own solutions...which is why I can change a tire and siphon gas....but that's for another time..


So here is to my 60 and beyond, and to the fire that came with the years I have lived.  I don't think I was ready for this place or time before now.  My friends all say this is the best time, I believe them now... it's absolutely time I get it..  I'm letting the fire out to play, my spark has returned and I have big purpose and plans for myself that I'm excited about....  I'll be loud, I'll be quiet, I'll dance or skip or nap...I'll create, read, wear, eat and say what I want and when I want. I've earned the right to be here in all my glory darn it and while I hope the people I love will get it and love me more for all of my firey stuff showing up.... I'm left with the question...."how does 60 feel Barbara Wiggins?". the answer is ...it feels like fire, the very best kind....It feels like life...


"Just like fire, burnin' up the way
If I could light the world up for just one day
Watch this madness, colorful charade
No one can be just like me anyway
Just like magic, I'll be flying free
I'mma disappear when they come for me
I kick that ceiling, what you gonna say?
No one can be just like me anyway
Just like fire" 
~Pink, Just Like Fire~

Love Wildly
B

Safety and Love

I was 14 years old walking to meet my ride to school.   A sunny spring day and I was wearing a sweet baby blue dress with puffy short sleeves that my grandmother had designed and made for me. And on my feet, white Dr. Scholl Sandals, the wood bottomed slip on shoes that clacked when I walked.  I weighed all of 95 pounds and didn't even wear makeup.  It was 1971 and I cannot get the clarity of that day out of my head even now.  

Because there was no bus service to my parents home 3 miles from school, I walked a mile and a half to my friend's home to catch a ride, her brothers and sisters had a car to drive them all to school and there was a spot for me if I made it to their house by the time they left for school.  The first part of my walk was a half mile  that was more like a road through a tunnel of trees than a regular street. Then there were scattered houses and twisty climbing streets until I reached my friend's home. 

On that day as I entered the tunnel of trees part of the walk, there was a pale blue VW bug parked on the side of the road. I walked about 200 yards into the tunnel clacking my new  white Dr. Scholls on the road.  Then there were footsteps behind me, that was unusual I remember thinking. But being a shy small 14 year old, I kept walking.  Until the footsteps caught up to me and I heard a man's voice say "Do you have a match?"  I turned around to answer...the man had his pants down and was exposing himself to me. I turned to run and just like in every bad dream, it felt like my feet were in cement. I must have somehow managed to take some running steps because I can still feel how hard it was to run in those pretty white wood bottom sandals of mine.  I heard him start to run after me, and I ran as fast as I could manage although it felt like I wasn't moving fast at all.   Then his footsteps sounded farther away as for some reason he stopped chasing me and  ran the other way. 

I burst through the darkness of the tunnel of trees to where the scattered houses were.  He was gone.   I now know I was falling into some kind of shock mode and I stood by the driveway of a house shaking for what felt like hours.  And then because I didn't know what else to do. I finished my walk to my friend's home.  I got in the car like always and rode to school feeling like I was going to throw up.  I didn't say anything, I didn't know what to say and I hadn't fully processed it all.

When I got to school, I went to a couple of classes and then the tears began. I found my way to a pay phone and called my mom. Who called the police. And they came to school.  The police called me out of my class and walked me to the office in front of everyone.  Then they interviewed me. It was awkward and horribly embarrassing.  And not once did anyone offer any degree of comfort or anything I could grab onto as concern.  The police left me at school still reeling and on the verge of falling apart. I believe I confided in a couple of close friends but the rumors had already started swirling as the entire school saw two officers walk me through the campus.  I may have shared the details with people who weren't close friends but I was being asked over and over why the police had been with me.   And then older boys started looking at me in the hallway and I was asked over and over again "Do you have a match?" I suppose they thought it was funny. I supposed the Juniors and Seniors who asked me out on dates thought I was the kind of girl who had asked for this to happen.  I don't know. I had never even been kissed. I was beyond naïve and they wanted to take me out.....

I got a ride from my parents the next day to school, but the day after that I walked the tunnel of trees and every other day until my friend told her mom what had happened and that mom had her kids drive towards my house and they picked me up at the entrance to the tunnel of trees road.  Nobody really spoke of it afterward. Nobody including me. It wasn't how it was done back then. I felt unsafe and afraid every single day.  Nobody asked if I was okay, nobody told me I was safe or that it wasn't my fault.  I never wore that baby blue dress again and I certainly didn't wear  Dr. Scholls sandals.  Because you can't run in them.

I was terrorized and  afraid for my life because a man thought a 14 year old was someone to assault and  victimize on a dark deserted road when she walked to school.  I had pushed this memory down where it was hidden in the deepness and although it surfaced once in a while, I worked hard  to leave it hidden. I hadn't thought much about it lately until I started to run into words being thrown around lately about men who can take what they want from women.  My memory and how it felt to be at the mercy of a stranger who inflicted so much damage with his actions came shooting to the top of my consciousness. The minimizing of this kind of thinking and talking and behavior has shaken my sense of safety and calm.  Men joking about locker room talk or people saying that those who speak this way are just joking. It doesn't feel like joking, it feels like some people's true thoughts showing up.  It doesn't feel okay. It makes my stomach hurt to be honest.  

I am sharing my story now because I am compelled to speak out for anyone who feels minimized and afraid.  Silence isn't how we heal, silence isn't how we stand for what is good.  Pushing down a memory of assault and fear isn't how we go forward for it will always come back to be talked about and dealt with.  I believe it's time for us to stand for what we believe in, that we should gather strength to stand for what matters. Hold ourselves and others to a higher standard.  Find a way to connect so that we see the humanity in everyone. I'm just a girl writing a small blog, I don't have answers to what is waging right now. I know it feels unsafe and everyone seems to be on high alert.  For me, I'm going to do for others what my 14 year old self needed in 1971. I'm going to check in on people, I'm going to make sure we are okay and I'm going to make sure I'm okay. I'm going to protect those who need it, stand up for what needs to be stood up for and love the fear right out of the space I am in.  If you need someone to check in on you, ask for it. Don't stay silent, reach out.  Take care of yourself, take care of the people around you.  Give and receive compassion, listen more, rant less. Let your light shine bright so that it is a beacon of goodness.    Love deeper. LOVE more. LOVE ON.

With Love and Hope
Barbara

Do What You Love......

It's spring and time to lighten up a little/completely.  I've thought and over thought my inside story but there is so much more to me than all of that.  When asked what I do, I say "I make things..."   because that is the truth of it.  I love to make. I love the term MAKER.....It sounds so much fancier than "I make things".  Goodness it sounds like a real job and to me that is what the making is all about.... to be able to create the business and life I desire, with my own hands.  Made by me....

I have been a little bit in hibernation this winter.  I felt badly about it  but, sometimes it's just what you have to do to reset...... I may have wallowed and wondered for a short bit but what else I did was  read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and it was the perfect antidote to my hinbernationess.   It also prompted me to figure and put into writing, the core values of my maker's world and my Wildflower 57 business and this is what I came up with..mostly, I don't ever want anything else....and these are my driving core beliefs that I will use to guide me going forward.....

1.  Figure out what you and your business are about.  Be Clear about that.   And then you can do whatever you want with it, change your designs , change the things you make, change your approach and marketing. Any of it. But Know what you are about.....My business is based on the love of faded, colorful, softly made things that remind me of Prairies, Farms,Mountains, Open Spaces, sweet florals, torn whites, bits, pieces  and the freedom to be who I am...Tattered and Tangled..Unfettered....Everything comes from those things....

2.  Stay in your lane......Don't worry about what ANYONE else is doing....there will be many people who make stuff that is similar to yours, or something you had ready to try.   As long as you know what you are about, you know you aren't copying.  NOW...don't take this to mean you can copy a name, steal a picture, encroach on trademarked designs....what that means to me is to not always worry about trying to beat out or out do anyone else who may be close to your style or vision (believe me, this happens and it's not always intentional, sometimes it is ..and that is a different story when trademarks and copyrights are exploited )..  But if you keep your eyes forward, stay in your lane and focus on your intentions and keep rule #1 in your heart....You will be okay.  

3. Support each other.  Don't get caught up in the stuff that will undo you.  This comes from ..big sigh here.... experience.   I've been a participant/ guilty of reacting to what feels like someone trying to steal my ideas and projects. I've been accused of stealing other people's ideas and projects. I've been reactive and possesive . I've been used and hurt.    I know I haven't ever intentionally stepped on someone's toes and the ones I thought stepped on mine....they probably all felt the same.... but truly when you go down that road with another business person, you undo friendships, support systems and destroy good things. Why entertain this and give it any of your energy or try to have the discussion which is never ever going to end well.  Truly, with Pinterest and all the millions of ideas and tutorials out there, we are all bound to step into the circle drawn by someone and they will step into our circle.  And usually...it's just that we are doing what we do, following our creative energies where they will take us.... Instead of creating resentment and horrible negativity by thinking and saying that we are the only ones, maybe we just lift each other up. I've been on both sides of this, it feels horrible and embarrassing.  Let's lift each other up and cheer a little bit for everyone, I hope we all make it...  Back to #1 and #2 

4.  Love and Persistence..... This is it..  Design...Make...Repeat.....  and remember why you chose this maker's life. Because you have the heart and soul that doesn't understand any other way to be in the world. Because it's all that you want.  Because it's who you are.   And mostly... because you love it.  The love will see you through the hard work, and make no mistake it's hard work. One dropcloth apron is fun, dropcloth apron #357....not as much...Someday you may get help in the manufacturing of your work which will free you up to create more ideas and designs but it's all going to be work and from my perspective, the best work ever.  But please make sure you are all in....because it will test you but  give you back more than you can dream of......

http://www.elizabethgilbert.com/

Lastly....where ever you may be in your creative business world....MAKE A PLAN.  Know where you want to go, have a road to get there, write down the steps you need to take and pursue the goals every single day with all your heart. .  Twists and Turns...take which ever of those  feels right to you. TRUST your vision, TRUST the makers energy and the pull of what calls your name...TRUST yourself....And don't be afraid to leap when leaping is called for.   There will be dry times, there will be busy times when you are exhausted and wonder what you were thinking and there will be times for hibernating and refreshing your tired soul.  But always always always DO WHAT YOU LOVE.......

Long may you make and thrive... 

<B

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Don't get lost in your feels...

I struggle at times with feeling sad....I do. I fall into a rabbit hole that drops me from doing okay to not so much in a short time.  I'm emotional and I'm not good at  hiding it.  So there.  I've made a serious serious decision to fight this deep rabbit hole at every turn to be happy and live happy.  But sometimes I fail at that because what sends me tumbling down there, is feeling unloved and forgotten. I realize this is my own doing, yes I do. .   For how many years have we heard "you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you"  I mean really... when you suck at feeling loved, how on earth can you love yourself so that you are able to accept and give love.  That statement has  baffled me... for many years/FOR ALL MY LIFE!!!!  Seriously. I didn't get it.  

 And then I read this......  

"It was my life-like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred.  So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.  How wild it was, to let it be"
Cheryl Strayed~ Wild~

Let me tell you, I had to stop and read that over and over and over, about 10 overs and it was a light bulb moment.   My life is sacred and belongs to me. Let it be......  Even as I type these words, I am in tears because this is the deal.  If my life is sacred, if I was made this way, wired like this with love and raw emotion...  Who am I not to love that, to love myself.  Why wouldn't I give to me what I want to give to the world and what I want back.   LIFE CHANGING stuff at least for my messy heart.   If I am sacred, so is everyone else.  We are all worthy of love....from ourselves first.   Okay...I need to breathe after that...take in what that feels like to write it down, say it out loud and believe it deep in my soul....

I love deep talks with my sons, I love their perspective and their truths.  I love their wisdom, trust me, the wise words that come from teenagers will break you wide open.  I was rolling around in some less than happy emotions this morning, a little lonely and on the verge of tears... and my oldest said to me.  "Mom, don't get lost in your feels, do something that makes you laugh and lighten up a bit. Trust the world and trust yourself."  This from a kid who has been let down, stumbled and struggled more than anyone I know... I do get lost in my feels ( I love that name for my over thinking emotions) I think it's easy to do, one thing leads to another and there you are, heading for that place that won't serve you at all.  Maybe if we walk away from our social media for a bit, go outside, face to the sun.  Or have lunch with a friend, exercise your heart out, call someone you love and have a chat..MAKE SOMETHING.  Maybe if we just don't get lost in our feels so very much, it will all seem a little less hard. Maybe if we throw that love around a bit more and open up our windows a bit wider, maybe that is how we stay out of the rabbit holes.  Maybe we just trust that we are not alone in all of this...maybe that's it.  Our sacred lives connected to other sacred lives....Well isn't that the magic?

"TOGETHER. WE CAN DO HARD THINGS BECAUSE WE BELONG TO EACH OTHER."

~Glennon Doyle Melton~

http://momastery.com/blog/

Don't get lost in your feels, love your sacred life and let it be, belong to each other.   I think that is some good love to throw around.  Especially on a Thursday..  Let's do it again soon! 

Love you like wildflowers

B

Too Muchness

You are too emotional
You are too loud
You cry too much
You talk too much
You react too quickly
You get too sad
Get over it
You need to stop doing that
Why can't you be like everyone else
You share too much
You say too many things

and this....

YOU ARE JUST TOO MUCH (translated means... I cannot deal with you, stop being you)......

These are the things I have heard about myself for a whole bunch of my life.    Someone I love dearly once told me I was just too much and they were not sure they could take much of me.  I don't honestly know what to do with that...   But being too much...I can't help it. I can't help any of it.  I've always known I was too much, even as a younger girl, I knew it.  And I knew it was hard for people to understand.  It always felt like approval,  acceptance and even love aren't easy  for girls like me.    It's hard  when people think you are just too too too.....   

"You used to be much more.... muchier.....
You've lost your muchness"
~Alice in Wonderland

TOO  much muchness???   I've spent some time /all my life trying to understand how that could possibly be.  How can anyone be too much?     I think we should let our exuberance and too much out ALL THE TIME....I think we should share, talk, breathe, cry, feel, hug, dance , create and LOVE.....way MUCH more than not and please for goodness sake don't stop doing that thing , whatever it is that makes you so wonderfully muchy.... Stop trying to fit inside something you were never meant to fit into at all. It wasn't for you. And please, this is so important....don't chase anyone who cannot or will not love you just the way you are.  Chase your dreams; chase your truth; chase your happiness.... .but do not chase any person who isn't ready for your too much spirit or any person who doesn't want it.  They are not for you and you are not for them......  

The world needs your muchness and it needs mine.  The world needs us to push against the sides of the box we hide in until it breaks open and there we are in all our much too much glory.  Let the ones who cannot deal, well... let them be.  They have their own stuff to handle, just let your crazy brightness out and let it stay there.  Be so much even if nobody gets it.   That's got to be the real thing of it all.  Be so much... REGARDLESS.  Let muchness be your superpower.  Don't believe those who say that you are just too....

I promise that people, the right people will love you more for it.  I will love you more for it, because I too am too much.....just exactly what I was made to be.  Muchness....Please don't ever stop throwing that around. Bring your magical abundance out to the light, bring it everywhere you go.  LIVE LIKE THAT..... please, I need you in this with me. 

Here is my truth and I've been up for many nights with all of this...I've debated and campaigned for and against myself.  I almost stopped writing this blog, there have been some big gaps because I almost stopped doing many of  things I love so much including this.  Writing, Creating, Connecting....because I felt like maybe my too much was just not working and I needed to repack myself into a box; that maybe the world would take me a little more gently if I wasn't so me ....  Until on a train this weekend I remembered....My muchness, it's a gift, a good thing and I love it. I love how very  much I am and I have no intention or desire to fit into anything at all.... I just can't..... I shouldn't have to.....So I won't.   I'm not going to stop writing, I'm not going to stop talking, I won't stop sharing and I will not stop loving  in my too much way. I will make and create because that is my calling.   I will just be this much, too much and I will be way too much until I'm not.  And that is how it's supposed to be.   Unfettered........ and OH SO VERY much too much muchness.  

 I love you....Much..
B

p.s. when I ran spellcheck on this, the only word that it wanted me to change was ...you guessed it   MUCHNESS...... Underline away spellcheck, muchness is here to stay.

Where I am

"Don't let your mind get weary

And confused, your will be still, don't try

Don't let your heart get heavy child,

Inside you there's a strength that lies

Be here now, be here now""

~Ray LaMontagne~

It's been a difficult few years for my heart. I've traveled through some deep sadness, hopelessness and anger. Desperate and frantic to face, understand and speak my truth. Rising up to stand on shaky legs and figuring out how to walk and run on my own terms. At the same time fiercely defending my right to be who I am and do what I want, making sure this life counts in the way that makes sense to my tangled nature.

I had plans for myself, plans for my business, plans for where I would live. Big ginormous scary amazing plans...Big wish list and a lack of patience to wait for timing or financial security to back it all up. So then....I got even more angry, sad and hopeless. Darn it! I had done the work, faced the dragons, fought the battles and truly thought it was TIME FOR ME TO GO! So mad that I had worked so hard to face up to the stuff that was hard to admit, worked so hard to come to terms with it, worked so so so very hard. And then it seems....Life, God, the Universe had other plans . It wasn't time.

In the middle of it all, a move to a new home. Our landlord of 7 years gave us 2 months to leave for no good reason other than she wanted to upgrade the house and probably raise the rent. It felt like wayyyyy tooooo much...all of it... If you haven't searched for a place to live in a while, let me tell you, it's not fun. AT ALL.... But with a week to spare, I found a good place, location was good, house had good spaces and even a sewing room for me. The move happened which was again NOT FUN AT ALL...And yet I was oddly disconnected. And kind of angry. This wasn't the move I wanted for myself ...But here I was in this lovely home, with nooks and crannies for my pissed off spirit, places asking me to just be, yet I was still resisting it all. The holidays approaching and here I was trying to hold onto a position of "I need to go" when truly I was being called to settle in.

A week in this new house with blank walls calling and rooms ready to be filled with personal and pretty things, I sat down in my comfy chair and cried. I was resisting being one tiny bit happy because it felt like I had given up all I had worked so hard to understand. That I was selling out because I didn't move myself into that sweet apartment with a window and part time parent status. Because if I allowed myself to be happy here, I was not being true to the truths I had fought so hard for. And then.....I heard the words ringing in my heart and head..... "STOP BEING SAD"

I fought it all, the newness of the home, my children's happiness, the making it cozy and homey. It wasn't what I had wanted. I had visions of a tiny sweet apartment with a big window and freedom from my anger and resentment. I wanted peace and calm and quiet. But that didn't live in a tiny sweet apartment after all, it doesn't live in a tiny house, a big cabin or this house. It doesn't live in a place, it lives in a heart and a soul... DUH....the next big lesson. To be happy even when I wasn't happy. Let me say that again, lovely ones....To be happy even when I wasn't happy...

I have taken off my sadness and anger, just like that. All of that righteous indignation that I needed to get to here. All anger that wasn't my strength, my courage or my fierce determination but it was easy to confuse it as such. It was a fire that I needed to warm my hands so that I could find my way through the cold and dark. Like an itchy sweater, I took it off. And for the record, sadness and anger weigh a TON! and then... I settled in. Not just into this house, but into a schedule that is different than I had planned, into finding a way to communicate and negotiate with someone I didn't think I could do that with, into my life as it is right now. I settled in to me. Moment by moment being okay right here, right now. That's not selling out, that's finding my way.

The other night, I was in my comfy chair in the sweet little family room corner of the new house wrapped in a soft blanket with candle glow in the kitchen. In the other room my 18 year old had friends over playing video games in the living room and I was watching some TV. Peaceful and quiet. I felt it. The settling in, the thing I fought. Peace where I didn't think peace would be found. Strength in surrendering to where I find myself and being happy with that. My son's friends looked up and said "it's good to see you so happy, Mrs. Wiggins" and I said. "I Am"

I am always going to be a tangled restless girl, seeking the absolute truth like it's my treasure, my wild heart...my nature. But I'm getting some lessons in how to BE HERE and BE HAPPY that I did not expect. I sort of love surprises like that.

By the way I've missed this, the writing, you , sharing....all of it. I feel like I came home...

<3

B

The View from the Edge

The summer of 1973, I was 15 on the verge of 16 full of all kinds of teenage drama and angst. I had my first serious boyfriend and he was older, heading to college.  My parents brought him along on our annual summer backpack trip in an effort to keep me interested because truly the only thing I was interested in was him. And being kissed.  

Our trip that summer involved a 10 day camping and backpacking trip in and around Yosemite.  And the highlight was to be a night spent on the top of Half Dome.  I wasn't super excited because I was 15, almost 16 and I wanted to be anywhere but with my parents, family friends and a younger brother.  But because I was 15, I had no choice.  I honestly do not remember too much of that trip except like our other backpacking trips it was hard stuff. Because to get to the really great places you have to travel hard trails, walk loads of miles and it isn't always fun. (Can you see where I'm going with this story?).   So after 8 days of lots of hard stuff  with me rolling my eyes and kissing my boyfriend through some of the most beautiful back country anywhere, we hit the switchbacks that lead to the bottom of Half Dome.  8 days of hauling what I needed and some of what other people needed on my back, my 100 pound body carrying 35 pounds of stuff and I wasn't impressed at all with the steep and never ending switchbacks ahead of us in the afternoon sun.....at all. I was pretty pissed off at the ridiculousness of those switchbacks and in my defense, those things go on FOREVER.... At the top of the switchbacks we saw before us THE CABLES......

Awesome, more hard stuff although this held my interest because I loved to climb trees and things, I loved being up high in the sky and possibly more important, my mother is deathly afraid of heights and I wasn't.  I knew I could haul myself and all that stuff up the side of that rock and I did. My mom did in spite of her fears ( I never gave her the credit she deserved for all that, she was facing hard fears) and my brother did it by hanging onto the pack of our other male friend because he was too short to use the cables.  We all did it. And that alone should be an amazing story. But this is about what's at the top, the reason for the planning and hard work... At the top, you take off your pack of stuff and see how HUGE the top is. It's football field and more big....and then there is this...The view you cannot see from anywhere else in the world.   The view that feels like it's the whole world...

I mean really......even my 15 year old snotty high school girl self knew that this was a life changer. I let myself feel what it was like to have done something spectacular. I didn't think about my mom and one upping her, I didn't think about how much I hated these "family trips", I didn't think about my boyfriend and his kisses even though he was standing next to me. I for once let myself feel all my tangled and not cool self and I took in this crazy amazing moment...but then what I did next was where I found myself the most....

There is an outcropping on the top of Half Dome, a place where sheets of granite hang out over the edge of the face.  A place where there is so little under your feet and then nothing at all. Where the best views, the best air and the best of everything are found. On the edge of everything. A place where my breath was taken away, where I walked out and sat by myself and was totally okay with being 15 and awkward and unsure. Where I was suspended over everything and everything was mine. I could have stayed there forever letting the breeze cool my face. It felt like forever, it felt like everything..

Of course my mom with her deathly fear of heights about lost her mind with her only daughter sitting on the edge of nothing, hanging over the valley a bit precariously. So I came back to the safety of the football field size smooth rock top.  We unrolled sleeping bags and had a meager dinner of uncooked foods and a sip of brandy in our Sierra Cups which at that altitude and me being 15 went straight to my head. And slightly tipsy, I watched the full moon rise and light up the whole world. I made wishes on a million shooting stars and I looked down on all the campfires in the Valley below. All in a night spent on the top of Half Dome.   

I did sneak back to the outcropping a few more times before we climbed down the next morning. I hated to leave, wondered if ever I would experience anything so amazing as the edge of that rock...I wondered if I would ever feel that whole again. I wondered if ever I would feel like I fit in like that anywhere else. I wondered ifmaybe that was where I was leaving myself, on the outcropping looking down or instead I had found myself. Maybe both.

I returned to school to be a cheerleader, my boyfriend went away to college and dumped me and I resumed my slightly awkward but fun journey through school. But I knew that I was changed through the hard stuff, the switchbacks, the carrying of things, by the view from the top. For a moment, I wasn't just a girl at my school doing what looked like normal stuff, for  I had stood on the edge of the world and it was mine.  I held that knowledge and power in my heart for a while and then I put it away, not sure what to do with it.  .   

That summer, that trip came back to me in a dream the other day. I felt compelled to sort it out and figure out why after 42 years, I woke up in tears feeling once again changed but not quite sure why. It occurred to me that I've been doing the switchbacks for a good 5-6 years, personal switchbacks but switchbacks non-the-less.  The hard stuff, carrying what I need and what other people need on my back.  And I'm here at the base of the mountain with cables before me and I am good for the climb.  Because I need to stand on the edge and see what the world looks like again. Because I need to be suspended over nothing, over the world, see that view that you only see from the top, have my breath taken away and feel the power in my soul of all that. Remember that I am whole, that sometimes just leaning into the stuff that scares you most is when it gets super amazing and oh so real. Trust that the ground underneath will hold me. Go to  where I will feel the breeze cool my face and travel to where I am just me, a girl on the edge of everything.....

"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center."

Kurt Vonnegut

Be Mighty

Barbara

p.s. these are not my photos. I found them by doing online searches of Half Dome and the Cables.  

I miss.......

I miss hugs

I miss my hand being held

I miss caring and being cared for

I miss being held and reaching out

I miss being part of something special and important

I miss the pat on my butt

I miss belonging

I miss kisses......

I love kisses, I love kissing. I love knowing there is someone who wants to kiss and be kissed. I miss quick pecks, I miss the long deep against the wall, I miss the in the car at a stoplight kisses, I miss the passing in the hallway kisses.  I miss them all.

I miss saying I love you, I miss hearing it, I miss feeling it... and I miss kisses and all they mean...

.......

<3 B

Rumble......

"We reckon with our emotions and get curious about what we’re feeling; we rumble with our stories until we get to a place of truth; and we live this process, every day, until it becomes a practice and creates nothing short of a revolution in our lives. Rising strong after a fall is how we cultivate wholeheartedness."  ~Brene Brown, Rising Strong
http://brenebrown.com/


I'm in the midst of something big...standing up....  I guess that doesn't sound so big, however it is the bravest thing I have ever done and  it feels huge.  I've spent a great deal of my life trying to build a place that keeps everyone happy and safe. I've taken care of people and I've nurtured dreams. Tolerated let downs with a smile and a story to protect those who do the letting down and kept the lights on in a broken place.  When my kids stumble and they do, I wrap my arms around them and fall with them, protecting them from the hard ground and cushioning the blows, harsh words and opinions of those who aren't looking out for their interest. I've lived in horrible run down unsafe houses but painted the walls and made white curtains to make them feel like home so everyone feels safe and loved. I've spent my life being and doing what is expected. Worked jobs and pursued a career that looked successful but I felt like a phony, going through the motions.  And in the process. I got lost.  I excused away the voice inside of me until I became a porcelain doll face with a frozen smile instead of the real girl, the messy, funny,  tangled, emotional, intuitive, longing, creative girl, the one that doesn't really fit in most places.  I declared myself to be one thing but knew deep I was selling out and being the very thing I was afraid of, broken and invisible.  Asking for nothing in return and pretending it was okay but truly getting a bit pissy about never being offered anything..just because I am here.  I built this little brick house but now I don't want to live in it. 

Don't get me wrong.  My kids, they are the world to me...just right the way they are.  I love them just like I want to, with my WHOLE HEART....And maybe it's the fact that they are grown or on their way to grown and they have left some big spaces empty in my world. Maybe I'm adjusting to what it feels like to be alone with myself and my truth.  Maybe it's my age and I'm not as inclined to be what everyone else is expecting or needs.  And I'm okay if they aren't okay with it.  Maybe I just want to fly a little bit and find out what fresh air in my face feels like.  Maybe I don't want anything less that what is absolutely real and authentic.  Maybe.....I just want to stand up, be seen and heard.  Maybe I just want to be me unapologetically.  Maybe I have learned to be compassionate and loving to me.  Maybe that makes me whole for the first time....

I can feel the ground swell underneath me.  I can feel the energy crackling off my fingertips, I can feel the fierceness of my heart as the rumble grows almost like the beat of a drum from down deep.  Every day a step or two taken in the direction I choose.  Looking at what is broken and crumbling and using it to build a future on or letting it go, whichever is the truest thing...It's personal and it's visible, this rumble of mine.  I spent a great deal of time crying and lamenting and wondering when I would understand the suffering and brokenness but never did I run from it, I stayed knowing it was important and it was.  At long last I do understand it.  I'm not forgetting or wishing away the harsh truths that I fought so hard to look at without blinders.  I'm gathering what the truths taught me as that is where the rumble came from......I am not afraid of the rumble as it is my story,  rather,  I think I will dance to it .. 

Be wildly you....

Barbara