I'm turning 60 in 27 days. Seriously you all...60. I'm sort of struggling with it and not because I wish for my lost youth back. Really NO..... But more because I'm not where I would like to be in life. I've let comfort and fear hold me here. 60 feels like the something is whispering...."Are you kidding me??? You are going to do it like this?" I'm simply not living the life I know is my best life. So that crap needs to stop. I'm not going to whine, blame or deflect. I need to change some things and some of those changes are going to be well...not so comfortable. I need to live free and happy to just be me and that is going to rattle some cages. I must do better for myself.
I find that I'm deeply reflective but also ready to stop being so serious. It's time to have some fun and take off the heaviness that I've worn around for more than a couple of years. I am by my very nature a extroverted introvert, a quiet and loud girl, tired and energetic, happy and sad, afraid to speak up and wanting to share my voice.. I'm a study in contradictions. My own problem and my saving grace. And with all the over thinking and wanting simplicity, the one thing that comes back to me is my overriding need for connection and belonging. In short, I need to love, be loved and live with my heart a little closer to the surface. I need to live my life unafraid to be who I am. Stop defending my way in the world and stop letting myself be where I feel wounded and small. And goodness knows I really need some fun. Life has to be more than sadness. I must do better for myself.
So in all of this internal chaos, let's add in the impending empty nest. Okay not totally empty but my last child of 5 is a senior in high school. Since the age of 23 I've been mothering as my first job. I don't always get it right, goodness knows there are some things I wish I could do over and take back and make right and fix. But I can't. I hope they all knew I loved them first and foremost. I hope they understand that if nothing else. So at an age when most of my friends are traveling and retiring, I find myself for the first time in my adult life needing to have my own adult life that isn't solely based on who needs me when and where and figuring out what they need to eat. I find myself knowing that I need a life that isn't completely about my children. That is exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. While my youngest two are going to be around for a bit longer,( they have chosen to attend Junior College and live at home), life is changing fast. When they are here, they are together, preferring each other's company to mine. And that's as it should be. I know that these days are gravy. On Friday nights watching my youngest play the last half of his senior football season, I know the moments like this are ticking by faster than a stopwatch. He drives himself to school and where he needs to go. I go to the gym with them a couple of times a week and am grateful for that time and attention. But clearly, I can no longer be all about their lives because as they find their lives, I need to create mine. I must do better for myself.
I've spent the better part of the last couple of years, trying to shed sadness and fear. I was in a dark place dealing with some hard stuff and so much pain. I knew for certain that I was not loved in a way that made any kind of sense to me. I let my value and worth be determined by so many wrong things. I struggled with truths I didn't want and not to make it sound simple or easy because it wasn't at all. But I was letting how I felt be decided and toyed with because I didn't value or love or trust myself. When I was able to climb out of that dark damp place, I came out with the promise to put myself on the list of people I take care of and figure out what it is I wanted and deserved in this life of mine. I started doing self care and investing in my own well being. (we are so going to talk about all of that, more than a few times). I also knew I needed to make my way financially but honor my handmade life and desire to write. I don't want to live broke anymore, with my hand out to ask for small loans from someone who is supposed to provide for me. I had to figure it out so that the days ahead won't be so worried and I will have freedom. There, I said it, I'm tired of being broke, I'm tired of being controlled by money and I'm not having it ANY MORE. I am capable and creative and it's time to be in charge. It's easier in my world to not do that but honestly, that isn't working. I must do better for myself.
So I titled this blogpost 27 gifts and this is why. 27 days to the big 60 and I think it's a gift, this time in my life, it looks like nobody else's 60 and that's perfectly okay because I am not like anybody else, none of us do.... (shocker). I wanted to make a statement to the world, the people I love and mostly to myself that it is my time. I've talked to them about it all and they aren't quite getting it. So I'll say it here and now. I'm taking care of me. I'm surrounding myself with the best kind of people and experiences and I'm going to do what is good for the life I deserve. 27 gifts, one for each day until that magical birthday, when I will celebrate for myself with freedom from what doesn't serve me well. Today..the gift was to write and speak up. To let the light into this over thinking soul of mine and return to this blog, a place for truth telling whatever that might be. I deserve a life lived out loud, I deserve peace, I deserve happiness, I deserve all the good things that I want to give. I deserve Love and Belonging.. Here and Now.
Today this is my gift to me. SHOW UP, create and write without hesitation, fear or second guessing, . Here and Now. A little stronger, a little happier, less quiet and pretty giddy.....
Barbara
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