I hope I make you proud......

It's December 26 and I'm sitting here pretty darn proud of myself for surviving , I mean shining right through Christmas. I did ride the Joy boat all through the month of December instead of wallowing and thinking about the love and holiday spirit I wish surrounded me. I concentrated on the best of things and I said  "Merry Christmas" to EVERY person I could. And each time, my heart filled up just a little bit more. I made cookies, I decorated the tree, I made gifts and I sang Christmas songs. I launched myself into the holiday like it was my job and guess what. It was great, really. Because joy got me through... So now what?  Time to tackle the hard stuff...

I miss my dad these days, more than the usual every minute I miss him. I so wish he was here with me right now for guidance and his gentle wisdom. A girl needs her dad for these kind of things. Someone to say "you deserve better" or "nobody treats my girl this way"...but he's not here and probably he wouldn't exactly say it like that. Because my dad was the kind of guy who taught me that being a girl didn't excuse me from handling hard things. I had to change a tire before I was allowed to drive the car. I learned to use a hammer and hand saw, I could sail a boat, ride a big horse and make a fire all before I was 6. Sometime I forget that is who I am and that is what I need my dad for.  His last words were to tell me to remember that I am strong and not to let anything break me down. I'm guessing he has been shaking his head at me lately because I have been broken down, feeling helpless and weak. I don't think he would be proud of my whining, wallowing or crying...at all.... 

My dad taught high school wood shop and there was a sign in the classroom portion of his shop that said "Your mother isn't in this class, clean up your own mess".....That sign has popped into my head more than a little lately. So while I've been wishing my dad was here to help me fix my stuff the truth is he is here....and I know I need to clean up my own messes. I'm out of shape, I am not healthy, my  marriage is not healthy or viable, I've been broke and broken, I'm a little terrified of making tough changes.  I'm afraid of being strong because then it truly does feel like I am alone in this world and I don't want to be alone in this world. It's hard stuff  my friends on a deep heart level but then again it's simple stuff. What doesn't work must be fixed or let go of. If you want to be strong, be strong. If you want something different, do something different... Stop talking...DO THE WORK.... It's my mess and I will clean it up.  I know my dad will be proud of me, I'm a little proud of me too....at last...

Thank you Melissa Rice for passing this graphic on.... it was exactly perfect.   

<3 Barbara

p.s. I promise I will talk of better things soon, thanks for riding along with me these days. You are all my favorites.