Plan A

I must have started this particular post a thousand times in my head, in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.  Which has been most nights lately.   The not sleeping thing.   And those thousand posts sounded much better than what is flying out of my fingertips in the daylight but I'm here and committed to this....the writing of things and telling of stories.  So please stay with me while I find the words that I had in the night....

I am here in the first week after my part time quilt shop job ended.  Also, without my sports mom duties that also ended.   2 big parts of my world are gone....loose ends....   I'm all in for my little table top business. Wildflower 57, my heart and soul made into cute things and this blog for writing of good words.. I'm here for all of that... .  My Plan A.  It is time to see it through, put it all on the line and with blind faith in nothing but myself.  It was way easier to look at it as something in the future, to look forward to while I schemed and plotted my course.  Way easier than being in the first week and waking up in the middle of EVERY single night wondering what kind of crazy I am.

Oh and did I mention that my only ever professional career was over 20 years ago, I was a paralegal and department administrator for law firms.  I had all the suits and navy pumps and a working girl haircut. I carried a brief case style bag full of notepads and pens and wrote lots of stuff down.  I went to court and I spent time with my nose in law books, writing legal documents.  I was good at it but that was a very long time ago.  I'm outdated and not relevant in that world anymore and honestly that's okay.  

So I'm here in my work room, surrounded by all the gorgeous fabrics, vintage sheets, buttons and threads.  I am here to make things and write words and build my company to where I know it can go.  I am 60 now, in the middle of this re-creating and redefining of my life and my purpose..  Or maybe I'm just falling back into what I always knew was my place.  It's terrifying and yet I'm giddy except in the middle of the night when sleep is hard. I'm having trouble finding my starting spot if I'm totally honest, so here I am trying to step over my fears and not wake them up. I'm showing up and putting fabric into stacks, vintage sheet fabrics to mix up, cut up and sew back together.  Trusting my instincts and just being here in the midst of it.  I will stop being tentative and overthinking and let it fly as it will. I don't know if I am out of my mind or if this is the best idea ever but I'm here to find out. Because my friends....I have NO PLAN B.  I have $23 in  my bank account and half a tank of gas. I have this room I call the Tree Fort, my sewing machine, I have my squirrel party imagination, creative drive and a fierce desire to boss this business into profitability.  I have blind silly never ending, insane trust  in the things that whisper my name...I'm hurling myself over the edge of safety and comfort.... This ....is.... it...and I'm here..

Mostly what I know is that whatever comes, however this all goes....it will be okay.   Those other things had to end to make space for this and whatever comes next.  Change is not easy even if it takes us to a better  or a different place that holds something important.  The process is messy and sharp and hard. Letting go of things that mattered is a twisty turny process, the memories of the best of it hold on tight and make it hard to wiggle free.  But there is something waiting for us on the other side.  In the space left by the things that had to go... life moves on, the tide comes in and sleep will come.... mostly.... I will be okay..  I will be okay.. I will be okay.

Love Wildly,

B

Just Like Fire

 I turned 60 a few weeks ago.  I whined a whole lot about it, partly in disbelief that I am an age that I always considered to be beyond my best years.  That was until I got here and it's sort of a jump in and enjoy it or cry and be a sadpants whiney baby.  Sadpants whiney baby doesn't sound so fun.  So I find myself asking myself "how does it really feel Barbara Wiggins...to be 60"  and I will tell you.  It feels like fire.  It feels like the volcano inside of me that has been bubbling under the thin surface is coming out to play and it's not going to be gentle or quiet at all..unless gentle and quiet are what I want at that moment. I am seriously not going to take much of anything that doesn't feel like it's working in my favor.

Let me be clear. I'm not angry at anyone.  The things that I have let hold me down and back, that's on me...., the notion that I have little choice in the matter of my own life, the excuses I make for my situation whatever that may be, also on me. I bought into other people's stories and promises with no proof that they were true....That shit stops now.  ( oh ..I forgot to warn you that there may be some cussing in this post.  I'm not sorry but if it offends you, I totally get it and you can get out right now before I go a little deeper).... So as I was saying.  I'm not angry at all. I'm just not interested in running all my actions, words, wardrobe choices, hairstyles, thoughts or feelings by anyone else for approval.  You can call it defiance, I call it waking the Hell up.

There have been a couple of things on my mind that got me to this place right here and right now.  ...First of all my lovely part time quilt shop job is going away.  The bosses are retiring and the shop is closing.  I have so enjoyed my 4 years there, I 've learned so very much but I've diverted my attention away from my own business and lately I've found myself sharp edged and easily frustrated which tells me, I'm ready for this even as bittersweet as it is.  I love the girls I work with and am hopeful we will find time for each other going forward.  When this news broke, I had a huge overflow of hot emotions...a crazy hot lava volcanic explosion  that clearly needed to be sorted out.  Fear, sadness, frustration, ,worry ......all of it....blew out of me with such a ferocity that I didn't understand or expect. So maybe, most certainly, the timing of this change while unforeseen, is not a bad thing at all.

And then this...my youngest son is finishing his last football season... which means his senior year is moving by at light speed.  My life has been for 35 plus years about taking care of my kids and while I have failed in many ways, my intention and love for them and what they need have been my driving force.  I have literally built my life around who needs what from me.  I've made job decisions and life decisions based on nurturing other people and being needed .   That being needed full time is waning. My older kids are nurturing their own babies and doing a far better job than I could ever do.  My youngest are 20 and 17 and I need to step off and let them do more of their own taking care of things so they are ready for the big leaving they keep talking about.  They have big plans to move out and onward together and while it's not imminent...it's getting closer and will happen before I blink 20 more times.  I must have my feet under me without depending on my children for my emotional and life balance.

I stood under the stars the other night with tears and fears all falling down around me. The cool air always soothes my spirit and the breeze whispers sweet love into my ear.  And as clear as anything, I heard "it's time to do what you are here to do"....It sounded a whole lot like my dad's voice and I imagine if I could possibly have 5 minutes with him , I would ask him what I should do.  And he would say "you got yourself here, you can get yourself anywhere you want to go, figure it out"..because he wasn't about finding my answers, he was about asking the questions and letting me find my own solutions...which is why I can change a tire and siphon gas....but that's for another time..


So here is to my 60 and beyond, and to the fire that came with the years I have lived.  I don't think I was ready for this place or time before now.  My friends all say this is the best time, I believe them now... it's absolutely time I get it..  I'm letting the fire out to play, my spark has returned and I have big purpose and plans for myself that I'm excited about....  I'll be loud, I'll be quiet, I'll dance or skip or nap...I'll create, read, wear, eat and say what I want and when I want. I've earned the right to be here in all my glory darn it and while I hope the people I love will get it and love me more for all of my firey stuff showing up.... I'm left with the question...."how does 60 feel Barbara Wiggins?". the answer is ...it feels like fire, the very best kind....It feels like life...


"Just like fire, burnin' up the way
If I could light the world up for just one day
Watch this madness, colorful charade
No one can be just like me anyway
Just like magic, I'll be flying free
I'mma disappear when they come for me
I kick that ceiling, what you gonna say?
No one can be just like me anyway
Just like fire" 
~Pink, Just Like Fire~

Love Wildly
B

Contradictions

I have a huge amount of work to get done and that is a very very good thing but it stresses me out when I feel like I am running behind, which is almost always. And then there is the issue of me being an inherently disorganized girl who is craving some organization. And just look at the stuff on my work table. 

Yesterday....

Today.......

TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!!

I need peace and I need storms. I need solitude and I need people. I like color and I like white.  Music so loud it shakes the windows and absolute silence....stillness. I want my children to stay young and in my house and I want them to go off to College and find their lives.  I like Dogs AND Cats.  I like the cold air on my skin and the sun on my shoulders. Long messy hair and a cute short haircut.  The beach AND the mountains as well as the prairies and rolling foothills...It goes on and on and on like that. And that is just how I am. That is the tangled and not so orderly part of my nature. The contradictions that are me. Translated from my personal life right into my design and business style. I try to put my signature on everything so my work is has a "look" and style that people will come to recognize as Wildflower 57. But then there are  there are all those contradictions. I guess in the end we follow our true wild nature and trust that we are the way we are and know we are just  perfect that way..... or rather perfectly imperfect the way we are. Be You and  God Bless the contrasts, the mismatchedness, the tangled and the contradictions....

Love wins

Barbara

In my own hands.....

I get overwhelmed with the weight of so many things. The business of holding a home together, the business of getting myself where I need to be and everyone else where they need to be, keeping track of it all, managing my home business and all the marketing and producing that I feel should be done versus the marketing and producing that I can truly get done. The reeling in of my big ideas, what to wear , should I cut my hair or let it grow, are my kids doing okay, eating healthy, getting fit, making dentist appointments, cleaning toilets...all of it sometimes feels like a freaking avalanche coming  hard. You know life, it happens fast and EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Throw in a ginormous amount of overthinking and working on some hard stuff and I'm a hot tangled mess.....chaotic, wild hearted and tangled. I am not organized, effortless or easy at all. A bit of a bouncy storm.

At night in bed when I can't sleep it gets a little rocky in my thoughts, so I head out to the back yard, stand under the stars and breathe deep...I take a breath or two or fifty so I can calm my crazy thoughts and anxiety down...and then I look at my hands, I mean really look at them and I remember that with these hands I can do anything.  With my hands I can  hug my children and grandchildren, my hands can carry what I need, my hands created this kitchen table business and my hands will carry it through. My hands know the touch of a loved one's face and the grasp of a friend reaching out. With these hands I can make and making is what I do. It is my world and my passion and these hands of mine are my tools. I talk with my hands, I touch materials and know they will work with my hands, I use my hands for knitting, sewing and every other thing I do. I use my hands to measure fabric at work . I love to throw my hands in the air when I dance, celebrate or exclaim. I clap my hands together in joy, I cup them around my mouth so my sons will hear my voice on the football field, I reach to the stars at night in the quiet dark solitude when I pray. 

And so it is with all of us. We have in our hands the possibility of everything. Helpless never, hopeless, certainly not. Not when we have our hands for making and for holding. For reaching out and touching, for grabbing what we seek and keeping it tight.  I am so grateful for my hands, my heart, my truth, my tangled messy mess, all of it. This life of mine, is in my own hands; yours is  too. So here is my new business card photo, I love it so much I want to hand them out to everyone I see because this picture is my heart and speaks to who I am.... I love it, and that's that... With these hands I will find my way.....

"The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands"
Anne Frank


Throw your hands in the air......
Barbara

Saying Goodbye

   I feel like I need to step back a little and tell you about how my company started.   I've made stuff from other stuff for as long as I can remember. I am the daughter of very creative parents and the granddaughter of  two women who learned to  sew and knit when it was a necessity but kept their craft alive long  after they were able to afford to buy sweaters and dresses. The making of things is as much a part of me as my brown eyes.I only wanted two things as a young girl. To make things and to be a cowgirl. As I went through high school, college, marriage, babies, career, divorce, career burnout, marriage and more babies, the constant thing, my safe haven has been my love of making things.

Many years down the road, I had two small boys, a mustang horse and not much money; living on a farm outside a town called Pumpkin Center which consisted mostly of a feed store, small post office, gas station and thrift store. I wandered into the thrift store one afternoon and back in the corner stumbled on a stack of gorgeous sheets and they were cheap! I spent $10 for  five vintage sheets and rushed home to make aprons and bags that afternoon. And I took this picture and decided I had a business, making things from other tattered and faded things.  I was lucky enough to have a horse named Gypsy and my cowgirl life, so I named my company on a whim.  Shabby Cowgirl, just like that....

    Another fast forward, my boys were bigger and the farm was being sold and there was a move to a  new town, Gypsy had to go to a new home and I was a cowgirl without a horse, living in a neighborhood with sidewalks and fences.. I joined Facebook, opened a page and without a better name for my company and still clinging to my cowgirl life (saddle in the garage and spurs on the dresser mirror) , I opened my Shabby Cowgirl page and lucky for  me, good things happened, AMAZING things happened. However,  fast growth and an inexperienced business girl are sometimes hard to manage, the idea gets bigger than the ability to handle things and I got the high speed wobbles a few times, took more orders than one girl could produce timely and committed to everything because you feel like that is what you must do. I couldn't run as fast as I needed to and there were bumps in my road. I had super good days and days when I wanted to run away but always there was the making of things and wonderful people who loved my work. My page grew in a way I could never have imagined or hoped and Shabby Cowgirl was experiencing so many wonderful opportunities that I didn't want to say no to any of them..  I clung to the notion that I knew what I was doing even though I knew I needed to seriously regroup and gather myself up, take a breath and sort it out.

As happens in a sorting, I realized that I wanted to take back the intention of my work, the joy and the excitement of designing from my heart. I needed to get a grip and do this right or not at all.   I love the name Shabby Cowgirl but I had been encountering the issue of the domain name being bought and offered to me at a high price and the social media names  were taken by someone who offered to sell them to me at a price. I found out this is a common practice when there is a perception that a small business has enough of a following that people will pay to keep their name. I didn't want to pay to take back a name I was not sure was the right one for me.   But also, I don't do strictly western or shabby style and I was struggling with the notion that the company name didn't reflect the true design aesthetic of my brand. I felt inconsistent and then there was the fact that I don't have a horse right now and although I have the heart and soul of a cowgirl, I am not one at the moment.  Small detail but it nagged at me.

The word Wildflower popped up over and over in songs and quotes, it's always been a word that I connected with, I am not highly manicured, I'm a bit unruly, disorganized and tangled. I am at home in rocky and rugged places where blooming isn't always easy. At a crossroads with my work and my world, this was the time.  And in a quick moment, again on a perfect whim I knew it was Wildflower. I added 57 to the name. I have 5 children, 7 is my favorite number, I was born in 57 and this is my 57th year. So there you are, Wildflower 57 it is. I am happy with the change, I am happy with the direction of my work and I am happy with what I have learned the hard way. I love love love Shabby Cowgirl, she is after all, me. I am not leaving her, she is with me always in my wild heart. My design work comes from a deep love for farm, faded prairie, vintage, fresh,  gypsy, boho and  cowgirls, always cowgirls...I expect that Wildflower 57 will reflect all that and the love of making things from other things. As I close the door on Shabby Cowgirl with gratitude and love, I will  let myself fully fall into the field of tangled, sundrenched wildflowers that will carry this dream on down the road. 

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/383228249512412587/

Shine and grow.....<3 Barbara

Pinatas and other stuff

I've told you I have a couple of teenage boys in my house and they sometimes bring me right back down to earth with their comments. The other day I posted something on Instagram about getting to work with the music loud and how much I love my work (I seriously do) and my almost 17 year old said "I feel like you try to make your life look way more awesome than it is...I mean, look at our house."   So in the interest of full disclosure here is the truth.

I don't have a gorgeous, organized work space. I have piles everywhere in most of our living spaces and my sewing machine is on the floor in the corner so I can put it on the table after breakfast is done. I share the kitchen table with well everything else... I do play really good music loud. have office snacks on the counter and lose myself in the creating  and for those hours that I am working, it's my amazing gorgeous work space where fun things happen  That being said..... this is the true scene at my table this morning. Sewing machine, football helmet and my youngest having breakfast he got for himself because I'm in the middle of organizing a pile of papers.  Please note the stack of fabric in the upper right of the picture about to fall on the floor and demanding to be folded.... The struggle is real my friends, I'm a hot mess, always have been, always will be, I'm messy and happy. And this kid at my table doesn't mind.

Also this week I got a haircut. This is a significant event because I hover between let it grow and all the adorable haircuts in my Good Hair Day Pinterest board.   It's hot here, my weirdly wavy hair was getting all flat which is not as cute as weird waves , so I got the cut...3 inches off and it looked amazing leaving the salon, soft curls swishing in the breeze. I was feeling like I looked like the Pinterest example until the breeze turned into a decent hot wind while I was trying to take a picture, my hair got all whipped up and this is the picture I got.

. The good news is, it washed up perfectly and the weird random waves have returned (I've convinced myself it's "beachy")  and I don't even have to dry it or do fancy things every morning. That is a good thing because we have probably already established that I'm a bit of a tangled and messy girl...hence the long random pieces that I specifically asked for...

So the last piece of what is on my mind.... I am feeling a bit like this...

photo from http://thepinataproject.com

A pinata....I feel like a pinata, like the hits keep coming from all directions. Nothing major, just stuff. Life; car breakdowns; power outages on a hot day; witnessed a horrible accident; very early morning football practices; lost paperwork;  mean comments from people I love; comments that feel like judgement from people I like and stuff that probably has more to do with all of them feeling a bit pinata-ish than anything else.    Somehow I get the feeling you all know what I'm talking about. Pinata-ish.... I don't have any big earthshaking words of wisdom for myself and all the other pinata people. For me I get a little quiet on social media, put my phone in another room and let what I love wash over me.  And I try to is gather all the grace and kindness I can and just search for happiness among all that candy that falls to the ground when I break into pieces.   

Do Something

I get stuck .... I am thinking we all get stuck and tangled up sometimes, it's hard to know how it happens or why, but, you know when you are there.  I shared that I am taking this summer slow and all the reasons why; family needs, mess cleaning and time to be. All valid and true, however, if I am being totally honest with myself, I got a little stuck. I lost my mojo and creative drive and I didn't know what I wanted to do next.  

My stuckness started as I did a local vintage show. It's a fun show, I love that it's in my hometown, the girls who put it on are insanely awesome, the vendors are fun and its overall a great show to do.  I was super excited with all kinds of fresh goods and displays and my space looked just how I wanted it to. The show opened and customers came in and I stood there in my cute tank and apron with a smile on my face and fluttering excitement. People filled the show spaces.... and they walked by my space without stopping or slowing down. It was early and patience is always important as is letting go of expectations. Trying to just have fun with the day, I said hi to everyone who wandered by my space and engaged anyone I  could in little bit of "how are you" banter. I was having fun and  I was in perfect spot for great traffic.  But still, not many took even a second look, I mean COME ON PEOPLE, I have really great things here!!!   There were some who wandered through my little "shop" and took a better look but mostly, people walked on by.  Now to be totally fair, I had some sales and wonderful friends stopped by as well as some who I knew from Facebook and Instagram. And it was a really really hot day.  But..... for whatever reason people didn't stop and shop with me. I saw other booths carrying out sold items s and selling their goods but not so much for my stuff.  As the day went on, my smile stayed intact but admittedly, my heart was sinking just a bit.  Sunday came around and I made a huge effort to just enjoy the day and all it brought and not worry about the sales, however.....I'm a handmade business and it is about the sales as well as the experience.  I didn't fare much better on Sunday which was even hotter than Saturday.  So, let me state clearly, I LOVE this show and it was a fun time,  but I felt like a failure.  I brought fresh new goods and they were displayed well and I  was sure they would sell and they didn't.   Bottom line...they didn't.

Now, on the plus side, I am going back, I looked at the setups and tents and made some exciting changes to how I will situated in the fall...so that isn't the deal.  What to do with what felt like failure and lack of interest was what weighed on me hard, that is the deal.  And the internal battle began, fueled by the criticism of people who also judged my success on how many dollars were made versus my expenses.  I questioned everything, including my own ego and abilities.  Did I just assume my stuff was cute because I made it or am I fooling myself?  And how could it just not appeal to ANYONE?  Add in a slightly funky unrelated misunderstanding  and I was stuck, as in quicksand the "I can't get out" kind of stuck.  Quicksand of self doubt and letting other people's (who don't understand why I do this anyway) voices into my head.  Not how I usually am in life but then I was stuck and when you are stuck, you don't even really know what to do or if you want to do anything at all... because you are well....stuck.

So without any clear answers and a whole list of negative thoughts in my head and heart, I got more stuck, up to my neck in muck stuck.  I shipped off the extra goods to a friend's shop and put my sewing machine away and declared this a summer of time off.  And now I can shaemlessly admit/tell you that a great deal of my summer off was running away from the doubt that was chasing me. I needed a break.   For a month I didn't sew....not a thing and I didn't even think about it.  The thing that has always been my joy and refuge became my nemesis.  I took the cowards way out .   Yes, I was a chicken and was walking away, no pulling up of big girl panties or getting back on the horse, I just turned away from what I love because I was afraid of failing even more. You could say I wallowed a bit, in the muck and doubt. Hiding and wallowing, never attractive and never will those things get you where you want to be.   

Somewhere in the depths .... as always happens with me, after a month of hiding I began to hear the voice  that says  "Don't be a jerk, get up, DO SOMETHING" , the voice that won't be quiet was speaking again ...I ignored it a bit longer, like a couple of weeks longer. But it's a persistent kind of voice, and will not be silenced. I ignored it because I wasn't quite ready to face the possibility that everyone was right and I'm not succeeding and never will, chicken to even find out, chicken to admit I still cared.  Afraid of possibility that nobody would like what I was doing even if I did my best, it might not be good enough. Afraid of the voices telling me to quit and afraid they were right. Afraid to have people walk by again without looking at  my stuff. Afraid to put myself out there.

 HOWEVER, I am not that girl, the one who listens to the negative voices or gives in to fear. Because this is my story, I didn't want it to be a story of "I tried and just quit".   I'm the girl who bends rules and does things her own way. I am a girl who does things the way I do because I believe in myself.  I'm the girl who falls down 7 times and stands up 8.  I'm the girl who can't sleep with a brain full of ideas and visions. I'm the girl who is always positive , who trusts my gut and instincts and follows them to the end of everything.  I'm the girl who started with a stack of old sheets and a basket of yarn and created a business and I'm the girl in charge of all this, not a quitter.  I am a tangled wildflower kind of girl whogrows where she shouldn't and shows up over and over again because I believe in the truth of my passions. Tell me I can't and I will do it just to prove that I can... It just took me a bit to remember that and pull myself out of the muck which it turns out wasn't so neck deep after all...I was just standing in a shallow puddle and all I had to do was take a step, a teeny step but one taken with conviction and intention.  I just needed to want to try and the moment I took that step back into my world, I was free again.  Unfettered, unraveled and unstuck.

Do Something... probably the best advice/reminder ever given ( a big shout out to my friend   https://www.facebook.com/Junknista for the butt kicking) , so good I wrote it on my wrist where I would see it as I sewed and worked. Turn up the music, dust off the work table and get back to it.  Just start with anything,  just start.  I was able to post some new things yesterday and to my delight, there wasn't the sound of crickets in response, to my great delight, everything I made found a home.  It feels super good to be unstuck, to make a plan and again have a purpose.  To remember who I am and what makes my heart beat a little faster.  Indeed I still need days off and it's still summer so the pace will be slow to spend time with my boys, but, all the failure and all the negative voices are not welcome here and have enthusiastically replaced by the mantra of Do Something.  Because that something will inevitably lead you to something else and before you know it you are back home where you belong.   Doing what you love in peace and truth, no more chicken  run away from a little challenge kind of behavior...... I'm back at work, watch out world.......