Just Like Fire

 I turned 60 a few weeks ago.  I whined a whole lot about it, partly in disbelief that I am an age that I always considered to be beyond my best years.  That was until I got here and it's sort of a jump in and enjoy it or cry and be a sadpants whiney baby.  Sadpants whiney baby doesn't sound so fun.  So I find myself asking myself "how does it really feel Barbara Wiggins...to be 60"  and I will tell you.  It feels like fire.  It feels like the volcano inside of me that has been bubbling under the thin surface is coming out to play and it's not going to be gentle or quiet at all..unless gentle and quiet are what I want at that moment. I am seriously not going to take much of anything that doesn't feel like it's working in my favor.

Let me be clear. I'm not angry at anyone.  The things that I have let hold me down and back, that's on me...., the notion that I have little choice in the matter of my own life, the excuses I make for my situation whatever that may be, also on me. I bought into other people's stories and promises with no proof that they were true....That shit stops now.  ( oh ..I forgot to warn you that there may be some cussing in this post.  I'm not sorry but if it offends you, I totally get it and you can get out right now before I go a little deeper).... So as I was saying.  I'm not angry at all. I'm just not interested in running all my actions, words, wardrobe choices, hairstyles, thoughts or feelings by anyone else for approval.  You can call it defiance, I call it waking the Hell up.

There have been a couple of things on my mind that got me to this place right here and right now.  ...First of all my lovely part time quilt shop job is going away.  The bosses are retiring and the shop is closing.  I have so enjoyed my 4 years there, I 've learned so very much but I've diverted my attention away from my own business and lately I've found myself sharp edged and easily frustrated which tells me, I'm ready for this even as bittersweet as it is.  I love the girls I work with and am hopeful we will find time for each other going forward.  When this news broke, I had a huge overflow of hot emotions...a crazy hot lava volcanic explosion  that clearly needed to be sorted out.  Fear, sadness, frustration, ,worry ......all of it....blew out of me with such a ferocity that I didn't understand or expect. So maybe, most certainly, the timing of this change while unforeseen, is not a bad thing at all.

And then this...my youngest son is finishing his last football season... which means his senior year is moving by at light speed.  My life has been for 35 plus years about taking care of my kids and while I have failed in many ways, my intention and love for them and what they need have been my driving force.  I have literally built my life around who needs what from me.  I've made job decisions and life decisions based on nurturing other people and being needed .   That being needed full time is waning. My older kids are nurturing their own babies and doing a far better job than I could ever do.  My youngest are 20 and 17 and I need to step off and let them do more of their own taking care of things so they are ready for the big leaving they keep talking about.  They have big plans to move out and onward together and while it's not imminent...it's getting closer and will happen before I blink 20 more times.  I must have my feet under me without depending on my children for my emotional and life balance.

I stood under the stars the other night with tears and fears all falling down around me. The cool air always soothes my spirit and the breeze whispers sweet love into my ear.  And as clear as anything, I heard "it's time to do what you are here to do"....It sounded a whole lot like my dad's voice and I imagine if I could possibly have 5 minutes with him , I would ask him what I should do.  And he would say "you got yourself here, you can get yourself anywhere you want to go, figure it out"..because he wasn't about finding my answers, he was about asking the questions and letting me find my own solutions...which is why I can change a tire and siphon gas....but that's for another time..


So here is to my 60 and beyond, and to the fire that came with the years I have lived.  I don't think I was ready for this place or time before now.  My friends all say this is the best time, I believe them now... it's absolutely time I get it..  I'm letting the fire out to play, my spark has returned and I have big purpose and plans for myself that I'm excited about....  I'll be loud, I'll be quiet, I'll dance or skip or nap...I'll create, read, wear, eat and say what I want and when I want. I've earned the right to be here in all my glory darn it and while I hope the people I love will get it and love me more for all of my firey stuff showing up.... I'm left with the question...."how does 60 feel Barbara Wiggins?". the answer is ...it feels like fire, the very best kind....It feels like life...


"Just like fire, burnin' up the way
If I could light the world up for just one day
Watch this madness, colorful charade
No one can be just like me anyway
Just like magic, I'll be flying free
I'mma disappear when they come for me
I kick that ceiling, what you gonna say?
No one can be just like me anyway
Just like fire" 
~Pink, Just Like Fire~

Love Wildly
B