Plan A

I must have started this particular post a thousand times in my head, in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.  Which has been most nights lately.   The not sleeping thing.   And those thousand posts sounded much better than what is flying out of my fingertips in the daylight but I'm here and committed to this....the writing of things and telling of stories.  So please stay with me while I find the words that I had in the night....

I am here in the first week after my part time quilt shop job ended.  Also, without my sports mom duties that also ended.   2 big parts of my world are gone....loose ends....   I'm all in for my little table top business. Wildflower 57, my heart and soul made into cute things and this blog for writing of good words.. I'm here for all of that... .  My Plan A.  It is time to see it through, put it all on the line and with blind faith in nothing but myself.  It was way easier to look at it as something in the future, to look forward to while I schemed and plotted my course.  Way easier than being in the first week and waking up in the middle of EVERY single night wondering what kind of crazy I am.

Oh and did I mention that my only ever professional career was over 20 years ago, I was a paralegal and department administrator for law firms.  I had all the suits and navy pumps and a working girl haircut. I carried a brief case style bag full of notepads and pens and wrote lots of stuff down.  I went to court and I spent time with my nose in law books, writing legal documents.  I was good at it but that was a very long time ago.  I'm outdated and not relevant in that world anymore and honestly that's okay.  

So I'm here in my work room, surrounded by all the gorgeous fabrics, vintage sheets, buttons and threads.  I am here to make things and write words and build my company to where I know it can go.  I am 60 now, in the middle of this re-creating and redefining of my life and my purpose..  Or maybe I'm just falling back into what I always knew was my place.  It's terrifying and yet I'm giddy except in the middle of the night when sleep is hard. I'm having trouble finding my starting spot if I'm totally honest, so here I am trying to step over my fears and not wake them up. I'm showing up and putting fabric into stacks, vintage sheet fabrics to mix up, cut up and sew back together.  Trusting my instincts and just being here in the midst of it.  I will stop being tentative and overthinking and let it fly as it will. I don't know if I am out of my mind or if this is the best idea ever but I'm here to find out. Because my friends....I have NO PLAN B.  I have $23 in  my bank account and half a tank of gas. I have this room I call the Tree Fort, my sewing machine, I have my squirrel party imagination, creative drive and a fierce desire to boss this business into profitability.  I have blind silly never ending, insane trust  in the things that whisper my name...I'm hurling myself over the edge of safety and comfort.... This ....is.... it...and I'm here..

Mostly what I know is that whatever comes, however this all goes....it will be okay.   Those other things had to end to make space for this and whatever comes next.  Change is not easy even if it takes us to a better  or a different place that holds something important.  The process is messy and sharp and hard. Letting go of things that mattered is a twisty turny process, the memories of the best of it hold on tight and make it hard to wiggle free.  But there is something waiting for us on the other side.  In the space left by the things that had to go... life moves on, the tide comes in and sleep will come.... mostly.... I will be okay..  I will be okay.. I will be okay.

Love Wildly,

B