One Day at a Time

It's time to be committed to the writing of things.  What I know best is where I am in the middle of this middle age thing.  Maybe I don't know it all but I surely have overthought life and all the things that got me from there to here and in trying to be present, maybe putting it all into this space is the best way to navigate and share .  So this spot will be my safe place, talk about my day, speak my truth and connect to the world kind of place. I'll hopefully grow as a writer and stop overthinking and letting the unfolding of this part of life happen.  The story of my story.

I've had some incredible moments of sureness and purpose in the past couple of months since my day job ended. I've also had some horrible feelings of failure.  Keep in mind I haven't done much in the way of making things happen, I worked a quilt retreat and watched snow fall in the mountains for days. I've reorganized my work space and 12 bins of fabric so I can find my "supplies". I've weathered an awful cold/flu thing that roared through my family.  I've been so sure that my little handmade business would explode with all the things I made and I was so sure I would make enough to pay my bills. And to be sure, I've had some sweet things happen but truly I haven't been as productive as I should or need to be. Which makes being discouraged and fearful a really silly thing, because I haven't done the work that I know will take me where I want to be. I let other stuff take up my time.

Last night I let this huge doubt cloud engulf me and I lost my vision for a few hours. I cried a lot in overthinking, frustration and sense of failing (when I haven't even truly tried!!! omg the emotional minefields I can create!!). I filled out applications for jobs I don't want through tears and unsureness. My bank account is pitiful and empty and I keep wondering how it is at my age I am here, unsure and low on resources. But the thing is, I wouldn't let my children fall down this rabbit hole. I would tell them that they hold the answers to all their worries in their own hands. I would tell them to breathe, step outside and remember their plans and purpose.  And I would make them drink water, stretch, go to the gym and get some sleep. And then do the next thing they are here to do...I would guide them through the self care they need to remember who they are and what they are capable of. Yes I get that I need to parent myself through this crisis of my own making.

I am here because my life didn't travel a safe straight line.  I am here because I believe in something that I can't quite put my hands on but know is important and real. I am here because I'm making space for the things that matter which includes letting my creative soul come out into the light even when the doubt cloud is hovering. So today I drank some water, stretched my body, worked out and slept well.  I ate a good breakfast and got to work. In my pajamas, with my hair in the messy ponytail I slept in. I made a to do list of 10 things and am working my way through.  And I'm here, writing stuff down because I love the writing down of stuff. I had a couple of sales, I have a growing stack of cute things that will be sent to my favorite wholesale shop in the world and I listed stuff in Etsy. That is progress of a tangible nature.  I am here feeling less like a failure and more like a girl who is building what she intends to build. Because I did the things I meant to do.

Yesterday was my dad's birthday and it's been a while since I could sit and talk with him. I miss his way of listening and then teaching me to sort it out. I wondered what he would say if I told him all the stuff that is weighing on my heart and I remembered a sign he had in his woodshop classroom.  It said " your mother isn't in this class, clean up after yourself"    That was his way, take care of your own stuff.  I think if he was around, he would tell me to stop crying and wasting time looking for jobs I don't want.  Be realistic, do the work, make the things, work the plan and don't let doubt win. I think as always he would be right. Just keep going and stop crying and wringing my hands.. Remember  stand out under the stars each night to remember how much I love a curvy road.

So that's that..  Where I am today.  I'll see you all tomorrow, you can count on that.

Love Wildly
Barbara

Plan A

I must have started this particular post a thousand times in my head, in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep.  Which has been most nights lately.   The not sleeping thing.   And those thousand posts sounded much better than what is flying out of my fingertips in the daylight but I'm here and committed to this....the writing of things and telling of stories.  So please stay with me while I find the words that I had in the night....

I am here in the first week after my part time quilt shop job ended.  Also, without my sports mom duties that also ended.   2 big parts of my world are gone....loose ends....   I'm all in for my little table top business. Wildflower 57, my heart and soul made into cute things and this blog for writing of good words.. I'm here for all of that... .  My Plan A.  It is time to see it through, put it all on the line and with blind faith in nothing but myself.  It was way easier to look at it as something in the future, to look forward to while I schemed and plotted my course.  Way easier than being in the first week and waking up in the middle of EVERY single night wondering what kind of crazy I am.

Oh and did I mention that my only ever professional career was over 20 years ago, I was a paralegal and department administrator for law firms.  I had all the suits and navy pumps and a working girl haircut. I carried a brief case style bag full of notepads and pens and wrote lots of stuff down.  I went to court and I spent time with my nose in law books, writing legal documents.  I was good at it but that was a very long time ago.  I'm outdated and not relevant in that world anymore and honestly that's okay.  

So I'm here in my work room, surrounded by all the gorgeous fabrics, vintage sheets, buttons and threads.  I am here to make things and write words and build my company to where I know it can go.  I am 60 now, in the middle of this re-creating and redefining of my life and my purpose..  Or maybe I'm just falling back into what I always knew was my place.  It's terrifying and yet I'm giddy except in the middle of the night when sleep is hard. I'm having trouble finding my starting spot if I'm totally honest, so here I am trying to step over my fears and not wake them up. I'm showing up and putting fabric into stacks, vintage sheet fabrics to mix up, cut up and sew back together.  Trusting my instincts and just being here in the midst of it.  I will stop being tentative and overthinking and let it fly as it will. I don't know if I am out of my mind or if this is the best idea ever but I'm here to find out. Because my friends....I have NO PLAN B.  I have $23 in  my bank account and half a tank of gas. I have this room I call the Tree Fort, my sewing machine, I have my squirrel party imagination, creative drive and a fierce desire to boss this business into profitability.  I have blind silly never ending, insane trust  in the things that whisper my name...I'm hurling myself over the edge of safety and comfort.... This ....is.... it...and I'm here..

Mostly what I know is that whatever comes, however this all goes....it will be okay.   Those other things had to end to make space for this and whatever comes next.  Change is not easy even if it takes us to a better  or a different place that holds something important.  The process is messy and sharp and hard. Letting go of things that mattered is a twisty turny process, the memories of the best of it hold on tight and make it hard to wiggle free.  But there is something waiting for us on the other side.  In the space left by the things that had to go... life moves on, the tide comes in and sleep will come.... mostly.... I will be okay..  I will be okay.. I will be okay.

Love Wildly,

B