Too Muchness

You are too emotional
You are too loud
You cry too much
You talk too much
You react too quickly
You get too sad
Get over it
You need to stop doing that
Why can't you be like everyone else
You share too much
You say too many things

and this....

YOU ARE JUST TOO MUCH (translated means... I cannot deal with you, stop being you)......

These are the things I have heard about myself for a whole bunch of my life.    Someone I love dearly once told me I was just too much and they were not sure they could take much of me.  I don't honestly know what to do with that...   But being too much...I can't help it. I can't help any of it.  I've always known I was too much, even as a younger girl, I knew it.  And I knew it was hard for people to understand.  It always felt like approval,  acceptance and even love aren't easy  for girls like me.    It's hard  when people think you are just too too too.....   

"You used to be much more.... muchier.....
You've lost your muchness"
~Alice in Wonderland

TOO  much muchness???   I've spent some time /all my life trying to understand how that could possibly be.  How can anyone be too much?     I think we should let our exuberance and too much out ALL THE TIME....I think we should share, talk, breathe, cry, feel, hug, dance , create and LOVE.....way MUCH more than not and please for goodness sake don't stop doing that thing , whatever it is that makes you so wonderfully muchy.... Stop trying to fit inside something you were never meant to fit into at all. It wasn't for you. And please, this is so important....don't chase anyone who cannot or will not love you just the way you are.  Chase your dreams; chase your truth; chase your happiness.... .but do not chase any person who isn't ready for your too much spirit or any person who doesn't want it.  They are not for you and you are not for them......  

The world needs your muchness and it needs mine.  The world needs us to push against the sides of the box we hide in until it breaks open and there we are in all our much too much glory.  Let the ones who cannot deal, well... let them be.  They have their own stuff to handle, just let your crazy brightness out and let it stay there.  Be so much even if nobody gets it.   That's got to be the real thing of it all.  Be so much... REGARDLESS.  Let muchness be your superpower.  Don't believe those who say that you are just too....

I promise that people, the right people will love you more for it.  I will love you more for it, because I too am too much.....just exactly what I was made to be.  Muchness....Please don't ever stop throwing that around. Bring your magical abundance out to the light, bring it everywhere you go.  LIVE LIKE THAT..... please, I need you in this with me. 

Here is my truth and I've been up for many nights with all of this...I've debated and campaigned for and against myself.  I almost stopped writing this blog, there have been some big gaps because I almost stopped doing many of  things I love so much including this.  Writing, Creating, Connecting....because I felt like maybe my too much was just not working and I needed to repack myself into a box; that maybe the world would take me a little more gently if I wasn't so me ....  Until on a train this weekend I remembered....My muchness, it's a gift, a good thing and I love it. I love how very  much I am and I have no intention or desire to fit into anything at all.... I just can't..... I shouldn't have to.....So I won't.   I'm not going to stop writing, I'm not going to stop talking, I won't stop sharing and I will not stop loving  in my too much way. I will make and create because that is my calling.   I will just be this much, too much and I will be way too much until I'm not.  And that is how it's supposed to be.   Unfettered........ and OH SO VERY much too much muchness.  

 I love you....Much..
B

p.s. when I ran spellcheck on this, the only word that it wanted me to change was ...you guessed it   MUCHNESS...... Underline away spellcheck, muchness is here to stay.

Ta Da !......

 When I was a young girl, my dad liked to be silly in the middle of ordinary things. One my favorite silly things was when he would get eggs out of the refrigerator while my mom made breakfast and against her protests he would toss them one at a time. Like a circus performer and he even said "HUP" with each toss. She would protest and tell him to stop and he would just keep saying "HUP" and tossing the eggs.   I would giggle at her frustration and his circus tosses and when all the eggs were thrown and caught both he and I would throw our hands in the air and shout "TA DAAAAA!".....  A small circus act in our kitchen on a Sunday morning and it was worth celebrating.  

I find myself still throwing my arms in the air and shouting "TA DAAA!" for so many things, a well made dinner, a big project finished, a great idea or even a well mopped floor. After all those things worth celebrating I would think.  But lately as I tackle harder stuff, the inside stuff that is hard to even look at let alone out to play, I am ready to celebrate even those kind of little victories. Boundaries set (boundaries are totally a badass move for a girl like me),  saying no when I would have said yes but wanted to say no, being a parent when it's not a popular parental moment in the eyes of your child.  Cutting off my hair fearlessly, saving $5 instead of getting an iced coffee,  learning a new craft or technique....facing a fear (not like swimming with sharks, that will never happen).  I love my Ta DA moments .

In my handmade business world there are people I follow, people I have come to know and love and people who are in the same type of business as mine.  Each of us are forging our way because our vision and passions are too great not to do so. We are navigating uncharted waters and pioneering our way through the wilderness on our own.  There are days that are not great, some that are totally sucky and some that are amazingly wonderful. Small victories ...I also see them in people who aren't trying to create a business but creating a life that works for them, navigating their own kinds of passions and truths. More sweet small victories. And thanks to social media we get to see all of these moments. Don't forget that we should be celebrating with everyone in their moments of success and sitting down next to them in the moments of figuring out what to do with failure or setbacks.  I just think it would be so wonderful if we all became the Ta Da girls and guys for each other. When we can't see our own bits of victory and growth, hopefully someone we love will see it for us and become our celebrators and encouragers.    We just should all have our arms in the air and give a little Ta DA for all the victories and successes. We all need a little circus act in our lives and for sure we need some celebrating. Amaze yourself, amazing the world, throw your arms wide open and cheer...TA DA!

artist Unknown: found on  Pinterest

 Happy Day 

<3 Barbara

When Expecations Bite You in the A#$

I'm warning you now, this post may contain some cussing..... In fact I am sure it will and if you are offended, I totally understand but this post requires a bit of cussing to tell the story. And I'm here to tell some stories.

I'm not totally sure of where to start except I do need to apologize for being gone so very long.  I didn't mean to be but life sort of became a river of rolling rapids, one after another and just keeping afloat took everything....

Let's start with the show I did.   I love doing vintage shows but truly they take complete and total absorbing and immersing of the process.  Every moment is full of lists and making of things and display creation and that all starts with a BIG VISION!   I tend to think and dream in large scale and then get myself into a frenzy of trying to meet that vision. All by myself, one girl with no support team or anyone to help create this crazy big vision and usually no budget for the vision creating because well....nobody in my household supports the doing of shows and there is a whole lot of undermining and sabatoge going on especially with time for the vision making.  So I had a show scheduled for the first weekend in May, it's a big wonderful show and a couple of hours from home. I was excited to share a booth space (only half a vision was much easier than a whole vision) and set about starting in late March to do my show prep.   Well things happened/everything unraveled when an incident (next part of this story) happened in mid April.... But I reduced the vision and kept going. I made some AMAZING new items, was ready to debut my new Wild Daisy clothing and I was sure I would KILL IT as my kids say..... I loaded my stuff into the truck , drove myself west for a couple of hours, set up my space myself and was feeling pretty spiffy with myself the day before the show. I just KNEW I was going to sell everything and could bask in the glow of what a big success I was....The show opened and people poured in to the venue and the energy was amazing.....and I stood there ready to talk to people, meet them and sell all the wonderful new things I made. I'll keep it short, sales were dismal. The first day I sold 3 of my wonderful new things and some last minute fillers I had grabbed when packing. I didn't even make my booth fee.  But, there was still Sunday and I was sure it would go better. It didn't. I woke up Sunday with what I knew was a horrible stomach flu, I had a show to do all day and then a long 2 hour drive home and I was not good. An hour into Sunday, I fled the scene.  My darling booth mate sold my goods and packed up my stuff and my lovely business friends  from my area loaded my crap and displays their trailer and brought it home.  I drove away defeated, fighting a fever and in tears.  Heading home to admit failure to the very people who predicted and expected my failure. I had expected to do well, that my goods would be well received, sell out and I would come home with some dollars in my pockets...Expectations...bit me in the ass and I was crushed..I barely covered my expenses which was hard but worse, I was called a failure and I may have even done a little shaming of my own self. 

So this all happened the wake of another crushing expectation shattered event.  My son as I've shared, is about to graduate from high school. He attends a big school with big expectations of the kids. There is no room for making mistakes and he made one of those stupid teenage mistakes that because there is Zero Tolerance in our district, that mistake cost him everything. He was sent to a continuation high school, is no longer allowed on his old school campus, didn't go to prom, didn't go to Grad Night, wasn't able to be a part of the All League Football awards or photos and most devastating of all, will not walk at graduation with his class.  One quick stupid decision and his status as big guy on campus was revoked and everything as he knew it was gone.  And then all the people he thought and I thought were in his corner said "oh wow, I'm so sorry"...and then silently took 5 steps back and turned away.  My boy who was king of the school, king of his world   one day and the kid nobody wanted to know the next.  All that wonderful stuff he was looking forward to and admittedly so was I...gone along with the expectation of how it was going to be. 7 years in this district talking about the day he would graduate in the stadium and counting the days til we put on that royal blue cap and gown to take pictures with his friends and listen to the band play the fight song and the entire crowd and graduating class sing the Alma Mater.... All of that gone in an instant.    Expectations had a tight grip on us and even though the mom in me kept assuring him that he would be okay and that he was not a bad person, I admit I cried hard in the shower for a week...I was heartbroken over losing all these things that felt were so so so important to his appearance of success and perfection. The stuff that everyone else could brag about. And I was a bit pissed off because I wanted to take those pictures with him and celebrate at the big ceremony in the stadium.  

So shit....all of this expectation crushing stuff at once had to be some sort of lesson and oh boy it was.... I realized that for all my tangled and messy nature, I have a death grip on expectations (can you say AVOIDANCE) because there is stuff in every day that kind of suck. Maybe because there are things in my world that drag my heart down and I pin all my good thoughts and hopes on events and happenings instead of just being okay in this moment.  Maybe because I invest too much in what I want to happen instead of just taking life as it comes and knowing that it will in the end be okay. I don't know but this certainly has made me re-evaluate how I approach things.  Maybe projecting forward keeps me from really being in the moment when the moment seems too much.

We had to do a whole lot of meetings with people after the school event as you can't make a kid leave a school without a process.  But luckily for us the last person we met with was Hank's new counselor.... And if expectations kicked our asses hard , this woman  was the truth and bright light we needed....she waded through the shame we had wrapped ourselves in and forced us to let go of what we thought was going to happen and embrace what was our new reality.   A school of kids who all needed a little redemption, 6 weeks to get through and then as she told us, a diploma that looks like everyone else. A more intimate and probably meaningful graduation and OH what a story my kid will have.  His future college football coach assured him that people do indeed make mistakes and it was time to move on and learn something and come play football.  And soon what felt like the end of the world will just be something that happened. Let go of the expectations because that was then, let's stay in now and take this new path for what it is...Let go of the expectations because they don't serve you well.  

I'm pretty sure I am not the same girl I was a few months ago, I still have a plan and big visions of what I am working for but I am certainly a whole lot less inclined to trust those darned expectations the way I used to. I don't let myself live in "the way it will be" anymore. And guess what?   I don't miss that shit at all.   What I trust is what I see and experience but not what I'm trying to make be the truth.  What I do know is life holds oh so many twists and turns and being a bit unruly and unsure is totally okay. We get up, tackle the hard stuff, embrace the curves , let loose of the grip just a teeny bit, throw our hands in the air and feel the wind on our faces.  I listed my stuff on Etsy and it sold in hours.  I'll do another vintage show in 6 months, but will not let sales dictate how I feel about myself or what I do. My son will graduate in 2 weeks and I'll take pictures with him in his cap and gown, smiling as big as if it was in that giant stadium with fireworks. We have not failed, we have grown, that kid and I, knowing that expectations will kick your ass if you let them. But I will not again let that happen, because I know life holds lots of amazing surprises and if I am so busy looking at the photo album of expectation, I may just miss some shooting stars .

“it is a serious thing // just to be alive //on this fresh morning // in this broken world.” 
― Mary Oliver

Love wins

Barbara

Sailor's Daughter

My dad, the original hipster. Bearded and  inherently cool without trying. Laid back and gentle but also manly and tough. He handled life with an honest authentic approach. He was adventurous and creative...kind and truthful even when truth wasn't easy. He was a woodshop teacher and builder with wood, more like an artist at times.   He loved a good joke and he really really loved Three Stooges movies. Like they made him laugh so hard, tears ran down his face. I never really got all of that but I loved watching him watch those movies.

But what my dad loved most of all (besides his family) was to sail. He loved being on the water, the wind in his face and hand on the tiller.  I'm the oldest of his three children, the only daughter and my brothers inherited his love for sailing and boats. I love the feeling of the wind in my face and going fast but I prefer it from the back of a horse than from the deck of a sailboat.  But it's the same thing. The going fast.... 

I have loads of memories about my dad and I could tell you about him forever. He liked to go get doughnuts from the local doughnut shop, Courthouse Creamery where they had a doughnut making machine and we would sneak away and have a doughnut at the counter on special mornings. He also loved a cherry slurpee on a Friday afternoon.  He could fix anything as it always seemed something needed fixing. And he whistled like nobody else. But his singing voice, oh my, it was rich and deep and when we sang together, I knew what harmony was all about.

When I was about 5, we used to travel on summer days on his Vespa scooter, he on the seat, me standing on the floorboards in front of him wearing sunglasses from the dimestore to keep bugs out of my eyes. Our dog Ginger sitting on the floorboards in front of my feet. His arms around me making sure I was safe and shouting things in my ears and I yelled "Wee Bye Bye"...going fast.....My dad  knew interesting people and would spend time listening  to their amazing interesting stories and told some of his own. And he loved my mom like people should be loved. From the time he was 13 she was his best friend, partner in wild adventures and his safe place. And he was hers.  He was a good man, a man unlike anyone I ever known or  ever will. 

My dad has been gone too long, it's hard to believe there is a world without him in it. Cancer sucks and took him away long before he should have been gone. But today I won't think about all that. Today is my dad's birthday and he remains the coolest guy I have ever known and is still so  loved.  I wish I could get to the ocean and sail fast today, I wish he was here with me. Goodness knows I could use his gentle wisdom and  how I would love to sing Michael Row the Boat Ashore with him one more time.  I am grateful for my days on this Earth with my dad and so proud to be a sailor's daughter.  Sail forever and go fast Dad...I love you endlessly

Love wins

Barbara

Joy from where I stand.

I love the holidays. I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays....in theory...... I love  the celebrations, the get togethers, surprises, time spent just enjoying family and friends....all the stuff in the commercials and in my heart and mind. The problem with all that is that many times that isn't the reality and we start measuring up against commercials and our friends as they post their families all dressed up nice and share their party schedules for the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

And then there are the ones who bake and make and create amazing spreads of food and decor, they have family pouring into their homes and all kinds of wonderful memory making times. Multiple trees in the house all theme decorated and done with Pinterest worthy precision.  Time set aside for traditions and gathering... This is all totally inspiring and awe worthy. And overwhelming..... 

For a moment, let's consider those who don't have a house full of holiday enthusiasts, money is tight and even a new box of Christmas lights is has to be weighed as to whether it's a worthy purchase or frivolous.   And what are we to do when we don't have invitations or places to go. No dressing up or holiday parties to attend... what about those people, how are they to celebrate and enjoy the holidays feeling left out and overlooked... 

I've spent some years as one of those people and it's all my fault. I let the joyless spirit of someone else steal my joy or rather I gave up because I guess it was just easier than fighting the scroogeness. I stopped decorating with any enthusiasm, I stopped baking cookies (this is in some cases a good thing), I stopped thinking about Christmas cards, Christmas parties and social events.I did the bare minimum and wrapped myself in hurt and waited for the whole thing to be over. I've sat on Christmas Eve watching my family opening their pajamas knowing that there were none for me. I know I'm supposed to be an adult but truly that does sting a whole lot when nobody cares if you get any Christmas jammies. I've cried every Christmas for many years feeling left out and alone ...that is the truth. I gave away Christmas and I suffered for it.  And I've probably not been a good Christmas mom to my children. I've tried to fake it but I'm pretty sure they saw right through all of that. Christmas for me has just sucked for a while...my fault but suckage just the same. 

So what to do when money is still tight and there are still no invitations to parties or reasons to dress up?  Well I believe I will start with a little joy...or a lot of joy. Shower with it, breathe it, say it, sing it, wear it, seek it and believe in it. And when you start to slip a bit...go find some more... I don't know what else to do. Being sad and feeling lonely is not the deal. Filling myself with envy by looking at everyone else's Christmas morning pictures or wishing life had dealt me something more "fair"...not the deal...Joy is the deal. I know it sounds simple but honestly it's working. Every time I start to slip and believe me I do, I go outside, take a deep breath and remember that there is always love and it starts with me...I have two children left in my home for the holidays and the three of us deserve to feel the holidays even in the simplest forms. I have three grown children and five gorgeous grandchildren I don't see enough, and that will change, somehow, some way, I will fight for my Christmas joy and make sure the people I love know how much they matter.. I won't give up ever again

There will be cookie making  tonight and hot chocolate with candy canes hanging on the edge of the cup. There will be a trip to a picture taking place tomorrow with my iPhone to take a picture for Christmas cards and in the boxes of mixed up Christmas decor in the garage there is enough stuff to make this little house sparkle enough that Santa would be proud. I will buy my own Christmas Jammies and rather than wallow in pity and the sting of no Jammies, I'll just fix it. My boys won't have to feel badly that they were not allowed to purchase anything for me because I will give them money to shop for me.  I think I'll invite some girlfriends out for an ornament exchange and I'm going to dress up a little, rock my Grandmother's Christmas pin, drink something festive and laugh until my heart bursts wide open again.

My gifts are going to be simple, loving and handmade and I'm super excited to be working on something special for all the people I love.  There is always a way to squeeze a lot out of a little but it's truly all about where your heart starts from.  I won't have a Pinterest worthy Christmas tree in every room but you can believe that my little Christmas that Joy made will be sparkley and bright.....It may be from glitter, glue and cardboard but that's okay...it will shine....and I will remember this as the year I took my joy back... 

I wish you all the best of holidays and please know that however much or how little you have, it's okay.  Be happy my friends, it's going to be wonderful.  

Joyfully yours
Barbara

Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

Helen Keller