Walking the Walk

Well I could tell you all the reasons and whys that I haven't been here, haven't written, haven't sewn and haven't been to the gym in a year. I could explain and go back but maybe just maybe it's not the way to go forward anymore.  I spent the last year finding out why I have felt physically and emotionally unbalanced for the last decade. Totally my fault for not dealing with it but there is more to it than blame. I simply just couldn't and then I could or rather I did and I'm glad for it. I did the best I could to do what was needed and that's that..... Moving on...



  


I'm so done with over thinking and over analyzing and all the angst that comes with it, especially the middle of the night variety. I'm ready to just live and live authentically with purpose and joy. I'll be happy because I choose to be,  I'll sew when I want, and I'll write when I want and I'll live how I want. I will honor my body and it's lovely hard work, the 5 children it carried and the me it carries still.  For an over-feeling, over-sharing, over-thinking girl it's not easy to just trust the way. But I do. I will not apologize for the space I take up or the noise I make, nor will I feel badly for putting myself and my path at the top the list. I will make things, sew-stitch-knit to my heart's content, I will write, I will move my body, I will walk in the mountains, put my feet in any body of water I can find,  I'll stand under the stars and talk to the moon, I'll curl up on the couch and watch silly TV or movies, I will eat good food and learn to nourish myself in all ways, I'll drink tons of water and do a face mask on Sundays, I will grow my hair and I will cut my hair on a whim, I will nap when I want to,   I will probably get another tattoo. I will ride a horse again this year and I'm plan to learn to make amazing mini blackberry pies. I will wear what I want,  I will read all the books on my night stand or maybe I'll get a totally new book and read that, I will take road trips to anywhere I want, spend time with people I adore whenever I can, maybe revive my handmade business or maybe not but mostly and most importantly.....I'll stop explaining or defending who I am, what I choose to do or what I stand for. I'm going to answer the questions about life by just living this big amazing decade of my life that I've been waiting for.  I think I will walk my walk and see where the winding road goes...  Here is to living life....

Happiest of New Years to you all.

<3 Barbara

Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
~Mary Oliver , The Summer Day~

Whispers

  I took a job a year ago and walked away from my handmade business and this blog, although to be honest.. I had been sputtering along for a while on both. Discouraged, unsure and needing steady income for the life journey ahead (more on that in future posts) I just left it all be and didn't close doors but didn't actually stay either.... I've dealt with some medical stuff that needed dealing with (MUCH more on that soon as well) , I've settled into a full time work schedule and adjusted as needed. But....something has been missing, I've felt lonely and not quite in synch with myself and wondered what it was I needed to do.   I woke in the middle of the night and heard a whisper "time to get back to work".... and if I have learned one thing...trust the whispers.   I have absolutely NO IDEA what shape this will take or the frequency with which I will create and write. I know my work space has sat empty and unused with projects in the middle of being made. Writings in the middle of being written and ideas left alone to wait for me to return.  Here is the first of it.  warming up my writing brain and hoping that what is inside will come out the way I want it to but also just trusting that this is exactly where I need to be.  A sweet inspiration for a collection of handmade goods is sprouting and I'm going to follow it all where it leads.  I know I ask this a lot but it's true...I hope you will come along with me.


Time to wake up my maker, writer soul and get back to work.  The whisper said so.


Love B

Start Where You Are, Use What You Have, Do Something

I've sat down so many times to write this post. I've played with the title and how much of the content to include in this first post.  In the interest of just being me and keeping it totally honest, I'm just diving in.

A few years ago I saw a picture of myself and was just taken aback by what I saw in my eyes and on my body. I saw shame, guilt, frustration, excuses, hopelessness and helplessness. I was overweight by a lot, I had such a sad vacant look on my face, even when I smiled. I was sad, broken down... so sick and tired of being sad, broken down, sick and tired. I had tried many times to walk my neighborhood, eat healthyish and do squats in my bedroom.  I had failed many times and I've come to understand I didn't start with love, I started with shame.  Broken spirit, messy overthinking soul, discouraged and in the deepest pitiful dark damp hole you could ever dig for yourself. I watched my kids take on fitness and eating changes, I excused it as too hard for someone of my age to do or I had so much to lose or my mild hip arthritis kept me from chasing something better.  I remember the day that my daughters took me aside, gently but honestly told me I needed to do better for myself. Because they love me and wanted me around.  It was that simple....and that hard.  I got defensive, I may have cried and argued with myself.  Eventually, I had to get super honest  with myself,  let my defenses and excuses go because I wanted something more and that meant I had to do something.  That is when it was clear that self love was the answer to everything. I deserved more from myself.  When I put down shame and started to heal myself from the inside out. I started from where I was.

A friend has asked me to share my journey and my thoughts on what I have done to become more fit and healthy. And I've wanted to do this, I love a story and some honest talk about being better for ourselves.  I'm going to break this down into the tips and hints and resources I count on as well as the mindsets that have come to be my truth and my mantra.  I'm NOT a professional fitness coach and do not profess to have all the answers. I am solely sharing what has worked for me and I urge you to find your own people who can guide you.  This will take a few posts so please hang in while I open up and tell you my story.

1.  Start where you are, Use what you have, Do Something
 My guiding principal.   You can always always find some way to do more than you did the day before.  I did start with squats, push ups, crunches and other body weight work and I did it in my bedroom. I did it every day, I increased my sets every week.  I stretched before hand and after to increase my flexibility.  Every single day DO SOMETHING you haven't done the day before.. EVERY DAY. Push yourself , do hard things because you can do hard things.

2. Get rid of your shame.
Shame has no voice here, it will not serve you. I don't care how much you weigh, how much you can do or can't do.  You must come to this with love and more love for your body and your spirit.  You must not care how you look or check the scale daily. The numbers will lie to you. Take a starting picture, as stripped down as you can get and then put it away for later.  That is no longer who you are.

3. Change your relationship with food
For me comfort type food was my medicine.  If I did a good workout, I drove through McDonalds for a cheeseburger and fries as a reward. If I was sad, I got something full of sugar, if I was in a good mood, a little something was in order.  This isn't what food is for, it's not for medicating emotions. It wasn't until I came to understand that good food would fuel my body for this journey.  The more I was asking of my 58 year old overweight body, the more I needed to support it and feed it well.  If you can do 80% healthy food, whole ingredients, mostly protein, veggies and some fruit (you need carbs for your hard work, let them be good carbs) , you are on the right path.  You will find as you eat better, better food tastes so much more vibrant. Your gut will not swell from inflammation after a meal and your energy will be served by your good choices.  There are tons of apps and healthy food websites. I started with the Whole 30 to just get myself in the mindset and to learn, a month of concentrating on what was going to heal and fuel me.  (https://whole30.com/). By relearning how to think about food and make better choices, I have an underlying understanding of what works for me. Again, if you need to, consult a health professional on this.  I have also found that ANYWHERE I go even a fast food place, there is a way to eat healthy or healthier.  Find a resource that works for you.  Just make those food changes, a lifestyle not a diet and do them out of respect and love for you body and well being.  And this...if you want a cupcake once in a while, get a darn cupcake. Make it a good one, worth the calories. If it's a burger and fries you are dying for. Get the best burger and fries you can, enjoy it, don't guilt yourself.  ENJOY THE BURGER.. But after drink water, and return to the healthy food habits you have been building.  And let it go.  You won't undo everything with one meal, or weekend or milkshake....Don't use food to punish or shame yourself. You will lose that battle every time.

4. Learn to enjoy the process
.  You will find strength you didn't expect, you will find that this journey will change you.... Mind, Body and Spirit.  But you won't see change overnight but you will feel and see it soon enough.  You have to surrender and give to the process and the journey.  You will have days you hate going to the gym or putting on your walking shoes but I have found that I NEVER regret a workout after I'm in it. I used to turn to comfort food and naps when I was sad, angry, hopeless or in a rough place.  I now turn to a workout in some form. The Serotonin your body produces is a mood elevator and will carry you for a bit. You will come to love how that feels. Every workout builds on the one before. Change is coming, I promise you but it will be in your spirit before you see shifts in your body.  Fall in love with the journey, fall in love with the way you feel, fall in love with the strength. You will gain so much more than you lose. I promise..

I have become pretty passionate about self care, health and fitness, because it feels good  to feel better and stronger. Better and stronger, it's very thing I didn't know I needed.  .  My daughters wanted it for me and by being brave enough to tell me I wasn't doing what I needed to, they may have saved me. My emotional state is calmer, brighter and yes stronger. My body is changing inside and out. Balance, flexibility and mobility are improving. Confidence and the sparkle in my eyes returning.  I  have far to go, as this isn't a short term thing, this is my life and it's long road trip from here but every single day I get something amazing from the work I have done.    Again, I am NOT a health or fitness professional, this is simply my story... if you need to consult a Physician or fitness professional, do that. I'm lucky to have personal resources, a son who is a Certified Personal Trainer and my other children are well versed and knowledgeable, I pick their brains and ask for help constantly.  I will share other resources next time, I have other parts of the story, I'll tell you about my workouts, how skincare has changed my world, what I wear, my workout playlists, supplements, nutritional support and all the truths of this life and spirit saving path I walk with great joy.  Just my story ...  I hope you find your way to whatever level of health and well being you are searching for, this is a love story to yourself, don't ever forget how worth it you are.  Life is meant to be lived with purpose and  love... it really really does come down to wanting to be better from the inside out. Tend to yourself sweet friends...

Love wildly
Barbara

The Girl with the Daisy on her Head

I need to put my phone down more.

I've never been successful at meditation but I am good at looking up into the sky and letting the world fall away.  So that's what I've been doing in the form of spending time at night in the backyard hammock while the world gets dark and the stars come out to sparkle.  Away from the tv and the lights and the walls...Outside where I can walk barefoot on the grass and let the day gently wrap up.  I leave my phone inside and try to just be there without letting the thoughts and plans and ideas for making stuff invade this precious magical time.  Refresh and relax.. let the world and every thought fade away, just a little break from the noise of life.

The other night in the hammock as I felt the air cool and sweet breeze let the leaves of the apple trees whisper to each other, I fell asleep.....and had a dream.  I dreamt I had roots coming through my feet and up through my legs where they turned into a  plant stem. As the stem grew, a daisy popped out of my head. Like a sweet little daisy hat that shaded me in the hot summer and decorated my hair. It was a little unruly, a wild daisy on the top of my head. At first people were really freaked out, because....I had a daisy on my head.  But then they got used to it.  "Oh, it's Barbara, the girl with the daisy on her head"  it was just a part of me.  

https://morganharpernichols.com/

This funny quirky dream has stuck with me and I've tried to figure out what it means...And then yesterday I re-stumbled on a bunch of words I had seen on an Instgram feed and saved in my phone because, the time may come when I know why they caught my attention...and suddenly.  Connection.  The very thing I was searching for had found me...when I got quiet and listened or rather dreamed.

There it is...the things we think are challenging and making life feel so heavy...The things that we can't figure out and the times we feel we are squeezing ourselves through small openings. The doors we can't open and the ones that refuse to close.  Life changes we want and don't want.  The disconnectedness and ache in our hearts....and the good stuff. The whispers of life calling us in new directions,  memories, family and friends who do see us when we don't see ourselves.  The rush of excitement when a passion comes to rest in your hands or eyes.  All of it.   Blooming.   Let the roots and stem grow  inside you until your blossom pops out of the top of your head and you wear it like a beautiful crown regardless of what anyone else may think or say.   Blooming...

"Someone told me there's a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair"

Love Wildly and Bloom.

Barbara

In the middle of it.....

So a few months ago I declared how I was going to rock my little business and write all the time...And I haven't done either exactly the way I meant to. What I have done a lot of is apply for jobs, part time minimum wage jobs.  And I don't want any of them.  Which is okay because none of them seem to want a 60 old dreamer who is happiest making stuff and writing words. And why would I apply for jobs I don't want and that don't want me?  Simple...It's fear talking.  Stupid, mean, defeating fear.

I desperately need to fix my car and fill up my bank account and feel like I'm some kind of success that makes sense to the world.  Fear talking it's twisty words and making me afraid that time is running out on my good days and I had better get stuff fixed and handled right now.  Fear that keeps me from sleeping which makes the days feel like so much weight and worry. Fear keeps  me stuck, sucks my creativity and gumption and I believe it...for bits of time..

Here is what I have figured out. Self care defeats fear. Because using the tools that make you strong, well fed, hydrated, rested and happy help truth and hope come flooding back in.  Instead of applying for jobs that are like an itchy sweater that is too tight,  I'm doing what I know I need to do to get where I want to go. I'm spending my time in that place.  In the middle of it.  Making things that I want to make, taking the leap of building a website (where this blog can live right next to my online store) a place that you can land and everything, all my whole bundle of hopes, dreams and the things I believe will live.  I've gotten creative with how I work social media, ever mindful of how other's are working things but making sure I stick with my vision and purpose.  I made a routine of how I get up in the morning and end my day all filled with the actions that relieve my stress, help with overthinking and keeping myself in peaceful place. Make time for my workouts, eat well, drink a whole lot of water, put my legs up a wall, stretch, take care of my skin and hair.  Learn about foods that will fuel and lift me up.  Stay away from the things that drag me down to the place where fear has a seat at the table.

I am quite simply in the middle of it.  Creating that life that feels like my favorite tee shirt instead of the itchy sweater. I want  maybe do some freelance writing and I have no idea what that looks like. I mean to be intentional here with this blog. I am working on the website and making collections of goods that feel like what I meant  to make. I am saying yes to getting together with people so I don't feel disconnected (I say no a lot and I'm over that)  . Making time to hang with the sons that are still in my house but creating boundaries so they don't ask so much and learn to take care of themselves.  Saving for the car repairs and with grace accepting rides from friends. Trusting the direction I am heading...Trusting the things I believe in are here to serve me well.  I'm not there, yet, I don't think there is actually a there to get to but I do know it feels like the middle of it and I like it.  I have no idea when I won't feel like this, maybe never but I certainly do feel that might  actually be the place where I am supposed to be.  The bank account will be fine, my business is starting to flow like a river, or a creek which is fine too. A trickle is good.....a million tiny steps towards something is better than sitting at the table with fear. And certainly there is more than enough time for everything I mean to be doing. I am  here to tell you, if you wonder when things will get better, they will get better the moment you decide to live right here and now.  And trust that just a step is a journey, and that your big hopes, dreams, wishes, ideas and visions are there for a reason and don't ignore what it is you mean to do.  Get in the middle of it and you will see.

Love Wildly
Barbara

Oh Jack

I've tried to start this posts about 37 times in the last few months....I haven't found all the words and erased all 37 tries.  But today I must breathe and get the words out. Because today my youngest child graduates from high school.  The end and the beginning of so many things.....

I had Jack when I was 43, his older brother when I was 40.  Way past the time a girl should get pregnant .  Way after his older three siblings, way after I expected to be a new mom again. He was a beautiful surprise even though I counted the years on my fingers and knew I would be so much older than the other moms as he went through school.  I remember clearly the shock I felt when I realized I would be 60 when he graduated from high school  and admit I was just a teeny bit freaked out.  But it felt so right and important.  And then Jack showed up, he came  3 weeks early and although he was nearly 8 pounds, he looked tiny and fragile like a little bird.  Jack was always easy, from the start he snuggled up and slept like he was born to fill that spot next to my neck.  Quite simply, he was the last piece to my puzzle, then and now.

When he was in Kindergarten he developed quite a story about himself.  He told me he was the son of an Eagle mom and she taught him to fly, then she gave him to his Cheetah mom who taught him to hunt and run fast.  When she had taught him, she gave him to me for the rest of the loving and teaching.  I gladly accepted the honor and with his eagle eye and cheetah speed, I tried to teach him about life but he truly taught me instead.  I am anxious and worried, he is calm and easy.  I find it hard to just be and tend to get a little serious and weighty, he is light and has the be still thing down to an art. He shows up and is friendly, he is loving and welcoming.   He is kindness and goodness down to his core.  He extends his hand to pull up the ones he tackles in football. If you ask him about anyone at school,  he says they are his buddies and means it. He  carries in him, an easily wounded heart that he may have gotten from me.   He loved football  and spent much of his off seasons working to be stronger and better. He soaked up every minute of  his senior season like nothing else and I loved watching him. I loved screaming his name on Friday nights in the fall. He is strong in body and in spirit.  He is funny, he loves movies of adventures, super heroes and fantasy tales. He loves space and things that take some pondering about.. He loves shows about making swords and building things and he loves animals, probably thanks to his Eagle and Cheetah moms.

What I know for sure is that his full life is ahead of him, he will in his thoughtful and earnest way figure out who he is and what he wants to do with his days and years.  He is like the Earth, soft, nurturing and strong enough to grow anything or hold anyone.  He is brave and he is true.  And he is so full of deep human emotions and truths while at the same time he is light and so very funny. He is comfort and he can create some amazing food if there is enough cheese in the fridge.  I cannot today look back with any sadness, except perhaps with wistfulness about how years fly by so very fast...it was so fun and heart healing. I so look forward to watching him soar, I look forward to our relationship in all the stages of life.  I look forward to knowing him forever.  He was a child of love from the start and he will continue to love and be love in all the days to come. He keeps me dancing, singing, resting and breathing when it doesn't come easy and that is everything.

Tonight I will shout his name and clap loud through my tears as I sit in that football stadium under the full moon and know that this is the start of everything glorious to come. You shine like the stars Jack Buster Wiggins and it has always been and will always be my great joy to be your human mom. let's do this...

Love Wildly,
B

Open Windows and a Mini Pizza

It has been a day you guys.  There was this big tumultuous thing with my sons.  The last two at home and growing faster, more independent and older by the day.  The youngest is graduating from high school in 2 months and the other is 20, working and going to the local junior college.  We are all a bit on edge this week, the ball joint in the truck my 20 year old drives went out, and if you are like me, you didn't know that the thing that holds the wheel to the axle is called the ball joint, the thing that keeps the wheel from laying on it's side like it is now. It's a catastrophic thing when it breaks and let me first say that I am beyond grateful that when it happened, he was safe when it could have easily gone a different direction. But now after taking it to 2 different repair places by tow truck because .....totally not driveable.  Both places said they could repair it for about $500 but when it got looked at they upped it to $3900.  Let me tell you straight up.  The truck is not work even half of that but things being how they are, a new truck payment is not in the cards. So the stress of that situation combined with my no job and trying to make a business take off and be profitable situation has caused me many many hours of living on the edge of losing my mind  on a daily basis.

Here is the thing, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that life has a way of unfolding and somehow things will be okay.  The looming phone bill and this repair that has my stomach in twisted knots....all of the things like this, will get handled, life will go on and it will be okay. I know that .  It's just I'm a stresser kind of girl.  So this morning what would be a minor thing turned big between my sons and I.  Hurt feelings and built up worry exploded into the kind of thing you never want to have with people you love. I felt left out and unappreciated, they felt I am over dramatic have NO CHILL.  And we all said a whole lot of things in quick bursts of loud emotional crazy unloading that could have sounded like yelling. NEVER ever a proud thing for me. Losing control and just hurling words and tears all over the place. And then it was over. Me still in tears because this stuff sucks and I hate it and them wanting it over and to move on. We all wanted that. So Hank went off on a 2 day vacation (lucky him) after many hugs and I'm sorries.  And my youngest son Jack took me to lunch.

Let me also say that 1. I don't eat or sleep well when I am stressed. AT ALL. 2.  I'm really trying to be healthy and make great food choices 3. Did I mention that I'm very low on money and not splurging on treats ( frugality is good but sometimes it's hard).  So without being judgy about the smells in his vehicle or letting any of my negative worry thoughts slip out, we went to lunch.  We tried a new pizza place that makes individual pizzas to your special order and you can watch them in the open pizza oven.  I got a super amazing veggie pizza with white sauce on a thin crust.  Jack got his favorite Pepperoni and Pineapple.  We got a big chocolate chip cookie with sea salt on the top to split and....we had root beer.  Old fashioned, not diet, root beer.    And we talked about graduation, big plans, football and girls.  No phones, nothing else beyond being at lunch and having pizza and root beer. I didn't think about the sugar in the root beer or the processed wheat in the pizza crust.  I let that cookie sit in my mouth and I enjoyed every single bit of all of it.  I let the argument and the truck repair worry slip away.  Just my boy and I having lunch. Oh how I needed this.

We drove home with his truck windows down, the weather is that perfect mix of warm but not too warm, the weather where we live hoovers there for a bit in the spring and fall and today was just such a perfect windows down day. I opened all the windows in the house when I got home, realized I was exhausted and I lay down for a nap.  The cat joined me and Jack opened his windows and lay down as well. I let the angst of the fight and the financial stuff float on out those open windows. I let myself let go for an hour feeling a little more content and appreciative. I remembered how much I trust the unfolding of things (so do it already) and how very much I needed to breathe.

I woke up and felt cleansed. Like I can gather my resources both financial and emotional back together and take on the stuff life throws my way.  My young men are learning how to be in this world, they don't mean to be inconsiderate and difficult and I certainly do not want our only interactions to be over the top and so emotionally charged. Maybe I do need to find some Chill and get used to not being turned up to freakout mode all the time. We came clean with each other, we hugged and said we loved each other and all promised to do better.   Tomorrow a friend of my husband is showing up with his car fixing tools and together they will tackle the broken ball joint.  I'll be here making and writing my way to financial success (putting it out there Universe, do your thing) and when Hank gets home on Sunday we will have my ham and scalloped potatoes like every Easter Sunday. Life stuff...good life stuff

We will be okay.  The truck will get fixed, the phone bill will get paid and life will go on.  On a day such as this it's important to remember all of that . It's good to roll the truck windows when you drive around town and go get a pizza once in a while.  The world will keep spinning.  Amen.

LOVE Wildly.

Barbara