I get overwhelmed with the weight of so many things. The business of holding a home together, the business of getting myself where I need to be and everyone else where they need to be, keeping track of it all, managing my home business and all the marketing and producing that I feel should be done versus the marketing and producing that I can truly get done. The reeling in of my big ideas, what to wear , should I cut my hair or let it grow, are my kids doing okay, eating healthy, getting fit, making dentist appointments, cleaning toilets...all of it sometimes feels like a freaking avalanche coming hard. You know life, it happens fast and EVERY SINGLE DAY! Throw in a ginormous amount of overthinking and working on some hard stuff and I'm a hot tangled mess.....chaotic, wild hearted and tangled. I am not organized, effortless or easy at all. A bit of a bouncy storm.
At night in bed when I can't sleep it gets a little rocky in my thoughts, so I head out to the back yard, stand under the stars and breathe deep...I take a breath or two or fifty so I can calm my crazy thoughts and anxiety down...and then I look at my hands, I mean really look at them and I remember that with these hands I can do anything. With my hands I can hug my children and grandchildren, my hands can carry what I need, my hands created this kitchen table business and my hands will carry it through. My hands know the touch of a loved one's face and the grasp of a friend reaching out. With these hands I can make and making is what I do. It is my world and my passion and these hands of mine are my tools. I talk with my hands, I touch materials and know they will work with my hands, I use my hands for knitting, sewing and every other thing I do. I use my hands to measure fabric at work . I love to throw my hands in the air when I dance, celebrate or exclaim. I clap my hands together in joy, I cup them around my mouth so my sons will hear my voice on the football field, I reach to the stars at night in the quiet dark solitude when I pray.
And so it is with all of us. We have in our hands the possibility of everything. Helpless never, hopeless, certainly not. Not when we have our hands for making and for holding. For reaching out and touching, for grabbing what we seek and keeping it tight. I am so grateful for my hands, my heart, my truth, my tangled messy mess, all of it. This life of mine, is in my own hands; yours is too. So here is my new business card photo, I love it so much I want to hand them out to everyone I see because this picture is my heart and speaks to who I am.... I love it, and that's that... With these hands I will find my way.....
"The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands"
Anne Frank
Throw your hands in the air......
Barbara
It's December 26 and I'm sitting here pretty darn proud of myself for surviving , I mean shining right through Christmas. I did ride the Joy boat all through the month of December instead of wallowing and thinking about the love and holiday spirit I wish surrounded me. I concentrated on the best of things and I said "Merry Christmas" to EVERY person I could. And each time, my heart filled up just a little bit more. I made cookies, I decorated the tree, I made gifts and I sang Christmas songs. I launched myself into the holiday like it was my job and guess what. It was great, really. Because joy got me through... So now what? Time to tackle the hard stuff...
I miss my dad these days, more than the usual every minute I miss him. I so wish he was here with me right now for guidance and his gentle wisdom. A girl needs her dad for these kind of things. Someone to say "you deserve better" or "nobody treats my girl this way"...but he's not here and probably he wouldn't exactly say it like that. Because my dad was the kind of guy who taught me that being a girl didn't excuse me from handling hard things. I had to change a tire before I was allowed to drive the car. I learned to use a hammer and hand saw, I could sail a boat, ride a big horse and make a fire all before I was 6. Sometime I forget that is who I am and that is what I need my dad for. His last words were to tell me to remember that I am strong and not to let anything break me down. I'm guessing he has been shaking his head at me lately because I have been broken down, feeling helpless and weak. I don't think he would be proud of my whining, wallowing or crying...at all....
My dad taught high school wood shop and there was a sign in the classroom portion of his shop that said "Your mother isn't in this class, clean up your own mess".....That sign has popped into my head more than a little lately. So while I've been wishing my dad was here to help me fix my stuff the truth is he is here....and I know I need to clean up my own messes. I'm out of shape, I am not healthy, my marriage is not healthy or viable, I've been broke and broken, I'm a little terrified of making tough changes. I'm afraid of being strong because then it truly does feel like I am alone in this world and I don't want to be alone in this world. It's hard stuff my friends on a deep heart level but then again it's simple stuff. What doesn't work must be fixed or let go of. If you want to be strong, be strong. If you want something different, do something different... Stop talking...DO THE WORK.... It's my mess and I will clean it up. I know my dad will be proud of me, I'm a little proud of me too....at last...
Thank you Melissa Rice for passing this graphic on.... it was exactly perfect.
<3 Barbara
p.s. I promise I will talk of better things soon, thanks for riding along with me these days. You are all my favorites.
I love the holidays. I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays....in theory...... I love the celebrations, the get togethers, surprises, time spent just enjoying family and friends....all the stuff in the commercials and in my heart and mind. The problem with all that is that many times that isn't the reality and we start measuring up against commercials and our friends as they post their families all dressed up nice and share their party schedules for the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas.
And then there are the ones who bake and make and create amazing spreads of food and decor, they have family pouring into their homes and all kinds of wonderful memory making times. Multiple trees in the house all theme decorated and done with Pinterest worthy precision. Time set aside for traditions and gathering... This is all totally inspiring and awe worthy. And overwhelming.....
For a moment, let's consider those who don't have a house full of holiday enthusiasts, money is tight and even a new box of Christmas lights is has to be weighed as to whether it's a worthy purchase or frivolous. And what are we to do when we don't have invitations or places to go. No dressing up or holiday parties to attend... what about those people, how are they to celebrate and enjoy the holidays feeling left out and overlooked...
I've spent some years as one of those people and it's all my fault. I let the joyless spirit of someone else steal my joy or rather I gave up because I guess it was just easier than fighting the scroogeness. I stopped decorating with any enthusiasm, I stopped baking cookies (this is in some cases a good thing), I stopped thinking about Christmas cards, Christmas parties and social events.I did the bare minimum and wrapped myself in hurt and waited for the whole thing to be over. I've sat on Christmas Eve watching my family opening their pajamas knowing that there were none for me. I know I'm supposed to be an adult but truly that does sting a whole lot when nobody cares if you get any Christmas jammies. I've cried every Christmas for many years feeling left out and alone ...that is the truth. I gave away Christmas and I suffered for it. And I've probably not been a good Christmas mom to my children. I've tried to fake it but I'm pretty sure they saw right through all of that. Christmas for me has just sucked for a while...my fault but suckage just the same.
So what to do when money is still tight and there are still no invitations to parties or reasons to dress up? Well I believe I will start with a little joy...or a lot of joy. Shower with it, breathe it, say it, sing it, wear it, seek it and believe in it. And when you start to slip a bit...go find some more... I don't know what else to do. Being sad and feeling lonely is not the deal. Filling myself with envy by looking at everyone else's Christmas morning pictures or wishing life had dealt me something more "fair"...not the deal...Joy is the deal. I know it sounds simple but honestly it's working. Every time I start to slip and believe me I do, I go outside, take a deep breath and remember that there is always love and it starts with me...I have two children left in my home for the holidays and the three of us deserve to feel the holidays even in the simplest forms. I have three grown children and five gorgeous grandchildren I don't see enough, and that will change, somehow, some way, I will fight for my Christmas joy and make sure the people I love know how much they matter.. I won't give up ever again
There will be cookie making tonight and hot chocolate with candy canes hanging on the edge of the cup. There will be a trip to a picture taking place tomorrow with my iPhone to take a picture for Christmas cards and in the boxes of mixed up Christmas decor in the garage there is enough stuff to make this little house sparkle enough that Santa would be proud. I will buy my own Christmas Jammies and rather than wallow in pity and the sting of no Jammies, I'll just fix it. My boys won't have to feel badly that they were not allowed to purchase anything for me because I will give them money to shop for me. I think I'll invite some girlfriends out for an ornament exchange and I'm going to dress up a little, rock my Grandmother's Christmas pin, drink something festive and laugh until my heart bursts wide open again.
My gifts are going to be simple, loving and handmade and I'm super excited to be working on something special for all the people I love. There is always a way to squeeze a lot out of a little but it's truly all about where your heart starts from. I won't have a Pinterest worthy Christmas tree in every room but you can believe that my little Christmas that Joy made will be sparkley and bright.....It may be from glitter, glue and cardboard but that's okay...it will shine....and I will remember this as the year I took my joy back...
I wish you all the best of holidays and please know that however much or how little you have, it's okay. Be happy my friends, it's going to be wonderful.
Joyfully yours
Barbara
Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.
.JPG)
