Open Windows and a Mini Pizza

It has been a day you guys.  There was this big tumultuous thing with my sons.  The last two at home and growing faster, more independent and older by the day.  The youngest is graduating from high school in 2 months and the other is 20, working and going to the local junior college.  We are all a bit on edge this week, the ball joint in the truck my 20 year old drives went out, and if you are like me, you didn't know that the thing that holds the wheel to the axle is called the ball joint, the thing that keeps the wheel from laying on it's side like it is now. It's a catastrophic thing when it breaks and let me first say that I am beyond grateful that when it happened, he was safe when it could have easily gone a different direction. But now after taking it to 2 different repair places by tow truck because .....totally not driveable.  Both places said they could repair it for about $500 but when it got looked at they upped it to $3900.  Let me tell you straight up.  The truck is not work even half of that but things being how they are, a new truck payment is not in the cards. So the stress of that situation combined with my no job and trying to make a business take off and be profitable situation has caused me many many hours of living on the edge of losing my mind  on a daily basis.

Here is the thing, I know beyond a shadow of doubt that life has a way of unfolding and somehow things will be okay.  The looming phone bill and this repair that has my stomach in twisted knots....all of the things like this, will get handled, life will go on and it will be okay. I know that .  It's just I'm a stresser kind of girl.  So this morning what would be a minor thing turned big between my sons and I.  Hurt feelings and built up worry exploded into the kind of thing you never want to have with people you love. I felt left out and unappreciated, they felt I am over dramatic have NO CHILL.  And we all said a whole lot of things in quick bursts of loud emotional crazy unloading that could have sounded like yelling. NEVER ever a proud thing for me. Losing control and just hurling words and tears all over the place. And then it was over. Me still in tears because this stuff sucks and I hate it and them wanting it over and to move on. We all wanted that. So Hank went off on a 2 day vacation (lucky him) after many hugs and I'm sorries.  And my youngest son Jack took me to lunch.

Let me also say that 1. I don't eat or sleep well when I am stressed. AT ALL. 2.  I'm really trying to be healthy and make great food choices 3. Did I mention that I'm very low on money and not splurging on treats ( frugality is good but sometimes it's hard).  So without being judgy about the smells in his vehicle or letting any of my negative worry thoughts slip out, we went to lunch.  We tried a new pizza place that makes individual pizzas to your special order and you can watch them in the open pizza oven.  I got a super amazing veggie pizza with white sauce on a thin crust.  Jack got his favorite Pepperoni and Pineapple.  We got a big chocolate chip cookie with sea salt on the top to split and....we had root beer.  Old fashioned, not diet, root beer.    And we talked about graduation, big plans, football and girls.  No phones, nothing else beyond being at lunch and having pizza and root beer. I didn't think about the sugar in the root beer or the processed wheat in the pizza crust.  I let that cookie sit in my mouth and I enjoyed every single bit of all of it.  I let the argument and the truck repair worry slip away.  Just my boy and I having lunch. Oh how I needed this.

We drove home with his truck windows down, the weather is that perfect mix of warm but not too warm, the weather where we live hoovers there for a bit in the spring and fall and today was just such a perfect windows down day. I opened all the windows in the house when I got home, realized I was exhausted and I lay down for a nap.  The cat joined me and Jack opened his windows and lay down as well. I let the angst of the fight and the financial stuff float on out those open windows. I let myself let go for an hour feeling a little more content and appreciative. I remembered how much I trust the unfolding of things (so do it already) and how very much I needed to breathe.

I woke up and felt cleansed. Like I can gather my resources both financial and emotional back together and take on the stuff life throws my way.  My young men are learning how to be in this world, they don't mean to be inconsiderate and difficult and I certainly do not want our only interactions to be over the top and so emotionally charged. Maybe I do need to find some Chill and get used to not being turned up to freakout mode all the time. We came clean with each other, we hugged and said we loved each other and all promised to do better.   Tomorrow a friend of my husband is showing up with his car fixing tools and together they will tackle the broken ball joint.  I'll be here making and writing my way to financial success (putting it out there Universe, do your thing) and when Hank gets home on Sunday we will have my ham and scalloped potatoes like every Easter Sunday. Life stuff...good life stuff

We will be okay.  The truck will get fixed, the phone bill will get paid and life will go on.  On a day such as this it's important to remember all of that . It's good to roll the truck windows when you drive around town and go get a pizza once in a while.  The world will keep spinning.  Amen.

LOVE Wildly.

Barbara

Showing up

 I don't ever want to go to the gym... I could come up with a hundred or 3 million reasons that I have other more important things to do.  But I go ..not as often as I should which is silly because I am ALWAYS glad I went.  Because showing up is the deal.   Getting there, ready or not and doing the stuff that I am avoiding.  Starting is always harder than it should be but when I'm done, I feel like I own the world.  The whole thing, all of it is mine. At least at that moment..

I think this may apply to a whole lot of life things.  Creating reasons why I can't or don't want to do it today.  I know I could write a book about how to not do stuff.  But as always, good things happen when I actually do show up.. when I make space and time for the things I know I will love and want once I'm in the middle of it.  That's sort of where I am with life right now, wanting to be and do more but still avoiding the showing up and just being present.  Participating in the good life moments by just being there....

Yesterday I showed up big time. I made stuff, I wrote here, I took pictures of the stuff I made, listed them in my online shop, sent the links and pictures to social media pages and dropped an order off at the post office to ship out.  It was a good productive day, nothing outstanding but it was the kind of day I am here for.

This morning I wanted to eat cinnamon raisin toast and sleep in til 10.  Instead I got up, had a healthy breakfast and headed to the gym. You see when I'm stuck in my worries, I self medicate with naps and carbs.  Today I didn't do that. I met a friend for a good workout and rewarded myself with an amazing salad. Came home, cleaned the kitchen well and got to work in my sewing space looking out at the trees.   It wasn't  big or fancy, just doing the things to take me where I want to go..  One day at a time, having a plan and purpose and being present.  Showing up for myself; showing up for life...  It's self care, it's a daily practice and effort but so much more fulfilling and effective than naps and toast.

Til tomorrow.

Love Wildly
Barbara

One Day at a Time

It's time to be committed to the writing of things.  What I know best is where I am in the middle of this middle age thing.  Maybe I don't know it all but I surely have overthought life and all the things that got me from there to here and in trying to be present, maybe putting it all into this space is the best way to navigate and share .  So this spot will be my safe place, talk about my day, speak my truth and connect to the world kind of place. I'll hopefully grow as a writer and stop overthinking and letting the unfolding of this part of life happen.  The story of my story.

I've had some incredible moments of sureness and purpose in the past couple of months since my day job ended. I've also had some horrible feelings of failure.  Keep in mind I haven't done much in the way of making things happen, I worked a quilt retreat and watched snow fall in the mountains for days. I've reorganized my work space and 12 bins of fabric so I can find my "supplies". I've weathered an awful cold/flu thing that roared through my family.  I've been so sure that my little handmade business would explode with all the things I made and I was so sure I would make enough to pay my bills. And to be sure, I've had some sweet things happen but truly I haven't been as productive as I should or need to be. Which makes being discouraged and fearful a really silly thing, because I haven't done the work that I know will take me where I want to be. I let other stuff take up my time.

Last night I let this huge doubt cloud engulf me and I lost my vision for a few hours. I cried a lot in overthinking, frustration and sense of failing (when I haven't even truly tried!!! omg the emotional minefields I can create!!). I filled out applications for jobs I don't want through tears and unsureness. My bank account is pitiful and empty and I keep wondering how it is at my age I am here, unsure and low on resources. But the thing is, I wouldn't let my children fall down this rabbit hole. I would tell them that they hold the answers to all their worries in their own hands. I would tell them to breathe, step outside and remember their plans and purpose.  And I would make them drink water, stretch, go to the gym and get some sleep. And then do the next thing they are here to do...I would guide them through the self care they need to remember who they are and what they are capable of. Yes I get that I need to parent myself through this crisis of my own making.

I am here because my life didn't travel a safe straight line.  I am here because I believe in something that I can't quite put my hands on but know is important and real. I am here because I'm making space for the things that matter which includes letting my creative soul come out into the light even when the doubt cloud is hovering. So today I drank some water, stretched my body, worked out and slept well.  I ate a good breakfast and got to work. In my pajamas, with my hair in the messy ponytail I slept in. I made a to do list of 10 things and am working my way through.  And I'm here, writing stuff down because I love the writing down of stuff. I had a couple of sales, I have a growing stack of cute things that will be sent to my favorite wholesale shop in the world and I listed stuff in Etsy. That is progress of a tangible nature.  I am here feeling less like a failure and more like a girl who is building what she intends to build. Because I did the things I meant to do.

Yesterday was my dad's birthday and it's been a while since I could sit and talk with him. I miss his way of listening and then teaching me to sort it out. I wondered what he would say if I told him all the stuff that is weighing on my heart and I remembered a sign he had in his woodshop classroom.  It said " your mother isn't in this class, clean up after yourself"    That was his way, take care of your own stuff.  I think if he was around, he would tell me to stop crying and wasting time looking for jobs I don't want.  Be realistic, do the work, make the things, work the plan and don't let doubt win. I think as always he would be right. Just keep going and stop crying and wringing my hands.. Remember  stand out under the stars each night to remember how much I love a curvy road.

So that's that..  Where I am today.  I'll see you all tomorrow, you can count on that.

Love Wildly
Barbara