I've had some incredible moments of sureness and purpose in the past couple of months since my day job ended. I've also had some horrible feelings of failure. Keep in mind I haven't done much in the way of making things happen, I worked a quilt retreat and watched snow fall in the mountains for days. I've reorganized my work space and 12 bins of fabric so I can find my "supplies". I've weathered an awful cold/flu thing that roared through my family. I've been so sure that my little handmade business would explode with all the things I made and I was so sure I would make enough to pay my bills. And to be sure, I've had some sweet things happen but truly I haven't been as productive as I should or need to be. Which makes being discouraged and fearful a really silly thing, because I haven't done the work that I know will take me where I want to be. I let other stuff take up my time.
Last night I let this huge doubt cloud engulf me and I lost my vision for a few hours. I cried a lot in overthinking, frustration and sense of failing (when I haven't even truly tried!!! omg the emotional minefields I can create!!). I filled out applications for jobs I don't want through tears and unsureness. My bank account is pitiful and empty and I keep wondering how it is at my age I am here, unsure and low on resources. But the thing is, I wouldn't let my children fall down this rabbit hole. I would tell them that they hold the answers to all their worries in their own hands. I would tell them to breathe, step outside and remember their plans and purpose. And I would make them drink water, stretch, go to the gym and get some sleep. And then do the next thing they are here to do...I would guide them through the self care they need to remember who they are and what they are capable of. Yes I get that I need to parent myself through this crisis of my own making.
I am here because my life didn't travel a safe straight line. I am here because I believe in something that I can't quite put my hands on but know is important and real. I am here because I'm making space for the things that matter which includes letting my creative soul come out into the light even when the doubt cloud is hovering. So today I drank some water, stretched my body, worked out and slept well. I ate a good breakfast and got to work. In my pajamas, with my hair in the messy ponytail I slept in. I made a to do list of 10 things and am working my way through. And I'm here, writing stuff down because I love the writing down of stuff. I had a couple of sales, I have a growing stack of cute things that will be sent to my favorite wholesale shop in the world and I listed stuff in Etsy. That is progress of a tangible nature. I am here feeling less like a failure and more like a girl who is building what she intends to build. Because I did the things I meant to do.
Yesterday was my dad's birthday and it's been a while since I could sit and talk with him. I miss his way of listening and then teaching me to sort it out. I wondered what he would say if I told him all the stuff that is weighing on my heart and I remembered a sign he had in his woodshop classroom. It said " your mother isn't in this class, clean up after yourself" That was his way, take care of your own stuff. I think if he was around, he would tell me to stop crying and wasting time looking for jobs I don't want. Be realistic, do the work, make the things, work the plan and don't let doubt win. I think as always he would be right. Just keep going and stop crying and wringing my hands.. Remember stand out under the stars each night to remember how much I love a curvy road.
So that's that.. Where I am today. I'll see you all tomorrow, you can count on that.
Love Wildly
Barbara
No comments:
Post a Comment