In my own hands.....

I get overwhelmed with the weight of so many things. The business of holding a home together, the business of getting myself where I need to be and everyone else where they need to be, keeping track of it all, managing my home business and all the marketing and producing that I feel should be done versus the marketing and producing that I can truly get done. The reeling in of my big ideas, what to wear , should I cut my hair or let it grow, are my kids doing okay, eating healthy, getting fit, making dentist appointments, cleaning toilets...all of it sometimes feels like a freaking avalanche coming  hard. You know life, it happens fast and EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Throw in a ginormous amount of overthinking and working on some hard stuff and I'm a hot tangled mess.....chaotic, wild hearted and tangled. I am not organized, effortless or easy at all. A bit of a bouncy storm.

At night in bed when I can't sleep it gets a little rocky in my thoughts, so I head out to the back yard, stand under the stars and breathe deep...I take a breath or two or fifty so I can calm my crazy thoughts and anxiety down...and then I look at my hands, I mean really look at them and I remember that with these hands I can do anything.  With my hands I can  hug my children and grandchildren, my hands can carry what I need, my hands created this kitchen table business and my hands will carry it through. My hands know the touch of a loved one's face and the grasp of a friend reaching out. With these hands I can make and making is what I do. It is my world and my passion and these hands of mine are my tools. I talk with my hands, I touch materials and know they will work with my hands, I use my hands for knitting, sewing and every other thing I do. I use my hands to measure fabric at work . I love to throw my hands in the air when I dance, celebrate or exclaim. I clap my hands together in joy, I cup them around my mouth so my sons will hear my voice on the football field, I reach to the stars at night in the quiet dark solitude when I pray. 

And so it is with all of us. We have in our hands the possibility of everything. Helpless never, hopeless, certainly not. Not when we have our hands for making and for holding. For reaching out and touching, for grabbing what we seek and keeping it tight.  I am so grateful for my hands, my heart, my truth, my tangled messy mess, all of it. This life of mine, is in my own hands; yours is  too. So here is my new business card photo, I love it so much I want to hand them out to everyone I see because this picture is my heart and speaks to who I am.... I love it, and that's that... With these hands I will find my way.....

"The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands"
Anne Frank


Throw your hands in the air......
Barbara

I hope I make you proud......

It's December 26 and I'm sitting here pretty darn proud of myself for surviving , I mean shining right through Christmas. I did ride the Joy boat all through the month of December instead of wallowing and thinking about the love and holiday spirit I wish surrounded me. I concentrated on the best of things and I said  "Merry Christmas" to EVERY person I could. And each time, my heart filled up just a little bit more. I made cookies, I decorated the tree, I made gifts and I sang Christmas songs. I launched myself into the holiday like it was my job and guess what. It was great, really. Because joy got me through... So now what?  Time to tackle the hard stuff...

I miss my dad these days, more than the usual every minute I miss him. I so wish he was here with me right now for guidance and his gentle wisdom. A girl needs her dad for these kind of things. Someone to say "you deserve better" or "nobody treats my girl this way"...but he's not here and probably he wouldn't exactly say it like that. Because my dad was the kind of guy who taught me that being a girl didn't excuse me from handling hard things. I had to change a tire before I was allowed to drive the car. I learned to use a hammer and hand saw, I could sail a boat, ride a big horse and make a fire all before I was 6. Sometime I forget that is who I am and that is what I need my dad for.  His last words were to tell me to remember that I am strong and not to let anything break me down. I'm guessing he has been shaking his head at me lately because I have been broken down, feeling helpless and weak. I don't think he would be proud of my whining, wallowing or crying...at all.... 

My dad taught high school wood shop and there was a sign in the classroom portion of his shop that said "Your mother isn't in this class, clean up your own mess".....That sign has popped into my head more than a little lately. So while I've been wishing my dad was here to help me fix my stuff the truth is he is here....and I know I need to clean up my own messes. I'm out of shape, I am not healthy, my  marriage is not healthy or viable, I've been broke and broken, I'm a little terrified of making tough changes.  I'm afraid of being strong because then it truly does feel like I am alone in this world and I don't want to be alone in this world. It's hard stuff  my friends on a deep heart level but then again it's simple stuff. What doesn't work must be fixed or let go of. If you want to be strong, be strong. If you want something different, do something different... Stop talking...DO THE WORK.... It's my mess and I will clean it up.  I know my dad will be proud of me, I'm a little proud of me too....at last...

Thank you Melissa Rice for passing this graphic on.... it was exactly perfect.   

<3 Barbara

p.s. I promise I will talk of better things soon, thanks for riding along with me these days. You are all my favorites. 

Joy from where I stand.

I love the holidays. I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays....in theory...... I love  the celebrations, the get togethers, surprises, time spent just enjoying family and friends....all the stuff in the commercials and in my heart and mind. The problem with all that is that many times that isn't the reality and we start measuring up against commercials and our friends as they post their families all dressed up nice and share their party schedules for the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

And then there are the ones who bake and make and create amazing spreads of food and decor, they have family pouring into their homes and all kinds of wonderful memory making times. Multiple trees in the house all theme decorated and done with Pinterest worthy precision.  Time set aside for traditions and gathering... This is all totally inspiring and awe worthy. And overwhelming..... 

For a moment, let's consider those who don't have a house full of holiday enthusiasts, money is tight and even a new box of Christmas lights is has to be weighed as to whether it's a worthy purchase or frivolous.   And what are we to do when we don't have invitations or places to go. No dressing up or holiday parties to attend... what about those people, how are they to celebrate and enjoy the holidays feeling left out and overlooked... 

I've spent some years as one of those people and it's all my fault. I let the joyless spirit of someone else steal my joy or rather I gave up because I guess it was just easier than fighting the scroogeness. I stopped decorating with any enthusiasm, I stopped baking cookies (this is in some cases a good thing), I stopped thinking about Christmas cards, Christmas parties and social events.I did the bare minimum and wrapped myself in hurt and waited for the whole thing to be over. I've sat on Christmas Eve watching my family opening their pajamas knowing that there were none for me. I know I'm supposed to be an adult but truly that does sting a whole lot when nobody cares if you get any Christmas jammies. I've cried every Christmas for many years feeling left out and alone ...that is the truth. I gave away Christmas and I suffered for it.  And I've probably not been a good Christmas mom to my children. I've tried to fake it but I'm pretty sure they saw right through all of that. Christmas for me has just sucked for a while...my fault but suckage just the same. 

So what to do when money is still tight and there are still no invitations to parties or reasons to dress up?  Well I believe I will start with a little joy...or a lot of joy. Shower with it, breathe it, say it, sing it, wear it, seek it and believe in it. And when you start to slip a bit...go find some more... I don't know what else to do. Being sad and feeling lonely is not the deal. Filling myself with envy by looking at everyone else's Christmas morning pictures or wishing life had dealt me something more "fair"...not the deal...Joy is the deal. I know it sounds simple but honestly it's working. Every time I start to slip and believe me I do, I go outside, take a deep breath and remember that there is always love and it starts with me...I have two children left in my home for the holidays and the three of us deserve to feel the holidays even in the simplest forms. I have three grown children and five gorgeous grandchildren I don't see enough, and that will change, somehow, some way, I will fight for my Christmas joy and make sure the people I love know how much they matter.. I won't give up ever again

There will be cookie making  tonight and hot chocolate with candy canes hanging on the edge of the cup. There will be a trip to a picture taking place tomorrow with my iPhone to take a picture for Christmas cards and in the boxes of mixed up Christmas decor in the garage there is enough stuff to make this little house sparkle enough that Santa would be proud. I will buy my own Christmas Jammies and rather than wallow in pity and the sting of no Jammies, I'll just fix it. My boys won't have to feel badly that they were not allowed to purchase anything for me because I will give them money to shop for me.  I think I'll invite some girlfriends out for an ornament exchange and I'm going to dress up a little, rock my Grandmother's Christmas pin, drink something festive and laugh until my heart bursts wide open again.

My gifts are going to be simple, loving and handmade and I'm super excited to be working on something special for all the people I love.  There is always a way to squeeze a lot out of a little but it's truly all about where your heart starts from.  I won't have a Pinterest worthy Christmas tree in every room but you can believe that my little Christmas that Joy made will be sparkley and bright.....It may be from glitter, glue and cardboard but that's okay...it will shine....and I will remember this as the year I took my joy back... 

I wish you all the best of holidays and please know that however much or how little you have, it's okay.  Be happy my friends, it's going to be wonderful.  

Joyfully yours
Barbara

Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

Helen Keller

You Deserve....

Oh my I have done what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I disappeared for a few weeks. And I apologize to you and to myself.  This is no way to run a blog!  So I will do a little catch up and tell you what is on my mind and be better at staying current.

I want to talk for just a teeny bit about what we deserve in life. I'm one of those girls who has waited for the World/Universe/People I know to give me what my heart aches for. Love, acceptance, encouragement and comfort.   I'm also one of those girls who never really felt that those things are mine to count on because I haven't been given enough permission to claim them as my own. It makes it hard to be totally comfortable in my own skin although I am probably 200 times better at it now than in my younger years, I still struggle with it. Because it is hard for me to say to my own self. I deserve love, I deserve acceptance, I deserve encouragement and I deserve comfort.  The thing I've been overthinking thinking about is learning to tell my self that I am deserving of all those things and more. That I deserve the best in life, that I am beautiful no matter the shape of my bottom and that I can be happy because I deserve it. Simply being here, being myself is good enough and the only one who can give me permission to accept all that is me.   I love big, I deserve big love. I encourage and in return I am worthy of encouragement. All good things are mine to grab onto but I need to stop standing back waiting to be noticed and offered the good things. Good things come to those who claim them without hesitation.  And I've been working on that. Which is why I've been quiet, I am facing down my own demons on this one sweet friends. There will never be enough to fill my cup until I start to fill it myself.

This is all part of that 100 better days thing I spoke of in my last blog about a month/ hundred years ago..... I have to make a conscious choice every moment to treat myself with kindness and love that I can give to anyone else but not myself. So my simple mantra to me ...YOU DESERVE THE BEST. I LOVE you no matter what.......   Maybe that sounds simple and silly but it's been a journey and a bumpy, twisty turny, cry in the middle of the night kind of journey, self acceptance and love. No longer waiting for the World/Universe/People I know to fill up that part of me that has waited for all those best things, breaking down the walls of untruths I tell myself that don't feed the good things.  Grabbing them for myself because I deserve them. You all deserve them and I hope that you already knew it before I rambled on about it but if you didn't, now is the time to believe You deserve the best of everything. You deserve love...

"I want you to know, that you deserve the best. You're beautiful."
~Lil Wayne~

....  Lastly...It's October, OH HOW I LOVE OCTOBER!!!   The weather where I live has shifted a bit, the nights are cool and although the days are still warm, the promise of cooler fall weather is whispering in my ear.  I got myself a new orange mug this morning, to celebrate the time of year when I feel the most alive and creative.  And truly if I was a color, I would be orange. Firey and demanding but warm and loving too. It used to be said that Orange didn't go with Red or Pink or even Aqua...but I think orange goes with everything, she compliments more than she clashes.....   And orange deserves  some love....We all deserve the best. Thank you Lil Wayne.

With Love
Barbara

100 Better Days

In the spirit of telling my story, I have with the support and loving encouragement from friends decided that the best way to be better is to do better. One step at a time. Not discouraging but encouraging myself and with every decision, choosing to be healthy. I'm NOT an expert in any of this, I'm a girl on a journey to be the strongest and happiest version of herself. So since I seem to love to throw the number 100 around, I've decided to go with 100 better days. Positive attitude, excited about what I can do to make myself healthier and more fit ...

That being said, I didn't convey how important I think it is that we make peace with our bodies and be comfortable in our skins. That bit of self love and drive has to come from what's inside and I know that. I just had a bit of a teeny meltdown because I am that kind of girl, a little stormy sometimes. Still I don't think it is ever ever a bad thing to want to do a little better.

So here is my plan, I'll try to gather real information and tips and will share with you how it's going for me . I would love love love if  you came along with me for this exciting and positive 100 days and see what happens. Please follow any Doctor's orders and don't take any of what I tell you for science. This is my real life journey and not anything close to being a strict regime or plan of any kind, because I'm messy and disorganized and need liveable changes that don't turn me inside out. Those never last. So here it is a bit at a time starting today..

Day 1. Stop eating processed sugar and flour and most importantly no fast food. I've done this before and I will tell you the first few days I get a little edgy.  Processed foods are not good for me and I want to only bring good things into my body.  I also did a little pool exercise for an hour. Drinking lots of water... There it is. A bit of change I can live with...

I won't be boring you all with EVERY SINGLE DAY updates, I don't want to be only about this process, it's just life changes.. I'll just check in and keep you posted randomly and I hope you do the same with me. And you can always email me at Wildflower_57@yahoo.com and we can privately keep in touch. If I find a healthy recipe I love, I'll share the link and anything else that comes to mind. I will also do some Instagram updates at @Barbarasuew which is my personal profile.

Love wins
Barbara

The victory in defeat

 This morning defeat is sharing space in my house. My son Hank is a high school senior and football player. Last night was the season opener in our stadium and the air was heavy with anticipation and expectation.  Months of preparation, early morning practices all summer, afternoon practices in 100 degrees, you know the story. These kids work hard, they persevere and they prepare...And the first game holds a magic promise of a successful season.  Well last night, the band played, the boys ran onto the field, pictures were taken with parents wearing jerseys and when the ball was kicked off to start the game, everyone on our side of the field expected a decisive and big win.   Well that happened alright... for the other team......

Hank is a cornerback and he is a darned good one. He is flashy and fast with some of the best hands around. He has handled his job against some of the best players this area has to offer and handled it well. Rarely are balls caught on his watch and it's a joy to watch his work in the air. Electrifying ...There was no doubt he would put on a show. But the show belonged to the receiver. He was faster, lots faster and for a fast kid to get out fasted in front of a stadium full of people screaming at you..it's not an easy situation.    

So we lost and we lost decisively. Hank had 3 balls caught on his watch and 2 for touchdowns. He knocked down 4 other passes but those 3 undid him. My son left the field in tears of defeat and carried his mistakes heavy on his heart and there were no words to ease the hurt he carried home. Defeat moved in.

Last night was also parent night which means the moms wear their son's jerseys and the parents parade on the field to be introduced to the crowd and have a picture taken.  In front of a huge stadium full of students and supporters.   The night before, Hank handed me his away jersey to try on and I knew right away this was not going to be a good situation. The jersey was so tight, I think my eyes were popping out of my head. I looked pretty much like a sausage in a tight casing with a big #4 on the front. And it was unbearably uncomfortable. Now in my defense, Hank is a slender kid and these jerseys are very narrow through the body. A hard look for anyone with curves not wearing big shoulder pads. But for this mom, it was impossible. I knew there would be pictures which would just make the whole thing even worse, not only would I feel massively self conscious, there would be photographic proof of how horribly bad that jersey fit.  Hank and I talked and he said it was more important that I was comfortable and there for him... so I wore a cute football mom shirt with sweet football mom accessories and some sparkly gold sandals and looked in the mirror. And thought that even though I am a little fluffy,  I still looked pretty cute and headed off to the game. 

Surrounded by the moms in their son's jerseys waiting to walk onto the field , I felt really out of place and not so great about the situation but still thinking I was pulling off the mom style. I smiled for pictures, took a few selfies with friends and as the boys ran onto the field with the band playing the fight song, goosebumps on my arm and the atmosphere full of possibility and excitement, I wasn't thinking about how I looked, just how much I loved to be there.  The game was ...well you already know how that went. 

I woke up this morning and went to the site where all the pictures are posted and first thing I saw this picture of myself...

And suddenly I realized that while the mirror was telling me what I wanted to hear, the pictures are telling me the truth.... I'm not going to lie. I've been crying for a couple of hours. I can give you all the reasons I am not as healthy or fit as I want to be but that is simply no longer relevant. What to do about all this, that is the question. This is my defeat; aging, having babies late in life, not putting the time in and quitting when there are no results. When the expecations don't measure up to the outcome. When effort isn't rewarded fast enough. When I want something to eat that I know isn't going to feed my goals and I have it anyway. When I stop because it gets hard and I excuse myself from the effort.

 I don't judge others on outer beauty. I believe we all are worthy of love and I believe in the beauty of every single person. But, I haven't done anything for my health or well being and that is the real deal. I love the people I love the same when I am thin as when I am not and my creative chaotic brain works in amazing ways no matter what size I wear. But I want more than this for myself. I want to do better. Defeat moved into my room as well and it feels really awful and mucky.

So as defeat is taking up space in my house I wonder what to do about it all. Clearly both Hank and I need a plan.   Three steps, accept the mistakes, learn the lessons and then move on without carrying the defeat with us. Let defeat remind us that we are made of more than giving up. By talking about defeat with no judgement or shame, I believe we will not give it more attention that defeat deserves. Instead I thank defeat for showing up and reminding me that I can do better, Hank can do better, we all can do better. And the beauty is, every minute is when we get the chance to do exactly that. Every single minute of every day... we get to dance with victory.

This cuff is something I wear most days from my friend at http://www.shop.cowgirlinthesandonline.com/main.sc  .  So we stand up...again, again and again.   Hank is watching film and talking with his coaches early this Saturday morning so that he can be done with the mistakes of last night and move on. I am making a better grocery list, meal planning and buying some cute socks to sew pom poms on so that I have a bit of happy to put on my feet when I hit the streets when it cools down this evening so that for this day, I found a little victory in the stinging truth and   that is a place to start. I have  let the defeat hang out for a few hours already and by facing the truth, sharing the truth and taking away defeats shame I am saying  there is only room for one guest in this house and she is victory. 

Love wins

Barbara

Give a Little Bit-100 Hats Project

I may have shared with you my LOVE , I mean BIG LOVE for knitting, specifically hats. Hats are my favorite of all for so very many reasons.... They are cozy, they feel like love on a cold day, they are inherently adorable on almost everyone ( Please don't say you are not a hat person unless you have tried a hand knit or crocheted hat). To a homeless person, a hat can provide a shield against the elements, keep warmth in the body, help prevent ear infections and add just little bit of caring to hard life. To a preemie, a knit hat keeps their tiny bodies regulated by not allowing precious body heat from escaping and a little love to welcome them to this world. To children fighting cancer and other life threatening illnesses, a hat feels like soft bit of protection and brings a bit of style and coziness to a rough time. For a mom and kids in a shelter who are struggling with every bit of every day, a hat is just something soft, warm and kind when life is coming at them a little hard and fast.

 In my Dad's name, I work  to send off 25 each December to various charities. I have long wanted to do a 100 Hats Project (I just like the way that sounds....100 Hats)  but,  I didn't know how to link up with a pattern source that would work for people, still trying to figure out the logistics, I was fumbling around knitting blogs for some answers.

And then this happened. I stumbled on She Makes Hats....And read this story http://shemakeshats.blogspot.com/p/she-makes-hats-book.html.   And then I looked at her amazing hat patterns and fell in a deep hat knitting crush.  Robyn is a girl who also loves to knit hats and her patterns were so gorgeously simple but oh so lovely. ( I am  big fan of simple loveliness) . So for the last  few months I stalked/followed her blog, on Facebook and Instagram. She is a charity knitter and hat giver of epic proportions and a very cool chick. And then.....she started putting her patterns up for free...I mean really you guys, she has an AMAZING library of hat patterns and they are there as a gift.  I really really wanted a perfect hat pattern for you all to use and my pattern originated from a purchased pattern, which I tweeked and rewrote and adapted but because it's origins are protected, I can't give it away. So....I got super brave and wrote to Robyn to ask if I could direct my charity knitters to her site for the purposes of this project. And what I got back was an enthusiastic YES and a copy of her book to read. Which I did late into last night and I'm about done. The story telling and honesty are beautiful. The intentions are so loving and kind and she has knit more hats than I dream about. You should read the book. I mean the girl designs hat patterns, knits abundantly for charity and wrote a book about her story. She is a wife and mother and I'm in awe....stalking is totally justified.

So let me introduce you all to Robyn Devine, seriously the cutest name ever...and look at her wearing her new Peaks and Valleys hat.

http://shemakeshats.blogspot.com/2014/08/peaks-and-valleys-hat.html

So here is how it is all going to work... Starting NOW, I am accepting hats in all sizes, preemie, baby, child, teen, adult. I am asking that you use a washable yarn that is soft and lovely to wear. I personally love and use Vanna's Choice yarns from Lion Brand.http://www.lionbrand.com/yarns/vannaschoice.html  and Woolease also from Lion Brandhttp://www.lionbrand.com/yarns/woolease.htm. Both are available at your big box craft stores or online at a reasonable price but, please use what you prefer. You can search the free patterns at http://shemakeshats.blogspot.com/ thanks to the generosity of sweet Robyn who has given her permission to use her patterns for this project.  She has so many patterns to choose from and they are all just right for charity knitting.  I am dreaming big that we will have 100 hats but I don't mind at all if maybe we surpass that number. When you are done, you can send them to me at the address below and I will divide and share them with the  many awesome agencies who are in need. I am setting a deadline of  December 1st so that I have time to get hats shipped and delivered.  However, if I have enough to ship some out before Thanksgiving I will. This is about more than Christmas, it's cold weather and the Holidays in general. 

I want to thank Robyn Devine, her inspiration and generosity are boundless . Most importantly she didn't block  my email when I revealed myself and my crazy plan along with my stalking tendencies.  Get her book, follow her blog, give her some Facebook love https://www.facebook.com/shemakeshats and follow her on Instagram @shemakeshats and you can become a stalker like me. And please as always, gifted patterns are for charity and personal use only.  Follow her blog, it's one of my favorite knitting blogs .  Be inspired and enthused by the loving and giving  of this girl. The world would be a little better if everyone had a hand knit hat. Just my opinion.

I will also take crocheted hats, I am not discriminating at all, I just don't have a pattern I can recommend at this time because I don't crochet. However, you can find a million/bunches of free crochet patterns at http://www.ravelry.com/ ..  I know this post is full of links and information but I really would love it if you all joined in on the Give a Little Bit-100 Hats Project with me this fall. I will keep you posted and share the progress with you all both here and on my Wildflower 57 page on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/57wildflower and my Instagram which is @Thewildflower57.  If you have any questions, my email is Wildflower_57@yahoo.com.

The address for shipping hats is

Wildflower 57

1061 Stanford Ave

Clovis, CA 93611

Thanks for the support and for being a bright shiny star Robyn and thank you in advance for any help and support for the Give a Little Bit-100 Hats Project 2014. Love to you all and happy Yarn! <3 Barbara