Slip Away

My 4th child, my son Hank is making college decisions.

 This boy, the one who from the beginning hasn't been afraid of a thing, not the first day of kindergarten or tracking down runaway roosters. He rode a big horse, he walked farm roads with his dog Buddy and faced down bullies bigger than he was. He  doesn't back down and when he does wrong, he owns it and takes what comes for what he does. This  wild child of mine born with wirey hair that felt like it belonged on a grown man not a smooth faced baby and never wanted to be held too tight. The football player who plays bigger than his measured size and doesn't do a thing the way everyone else tells him but does it the way his heart leads.  He is stubborn, impossible, bossy and so confident you could think he was arrogant if the confidence wasn't so warranted. He tolerates no half truths and will charm the shirt off his brother's back if he thinks he will wear it better. He has style and fire and he is as frustrating as he is loyal. He loves loud music with words no mother should have to hear and he navigates situations with straightforward truth. He doesn't always do what he should but he always knows why he does what he does. I tell him not to drive fast and he gets a speeding ticket. Until he knows something is right for him, all the advice and parenting directions are of no use, he will find his way and do it with enthusiasm even when you think he is down and out, he is  rising. He is emotional and strong, he is messy and neat. He is a rule breaker, boundary tester, charmer, all in, whole hearted participant in life. He doesn't lie and he isn't fake. He is wonderful and difficult and he carries my heart in his hands.

http://www.sportswurlz.com/

He is talking to college coaches and dreaming dreams. I am filling out forms and applications. He is thinking about where he wants to go and who he will meet. He is thinking about girls and dorms and football, teammates and new adventures. I am awake at night wondering how I will breathe and calculating miles between here and where ever THERE might be. I am proud and I am scared and happy and sad. He is wondering how soon it will all get here, I am hoping it stays months away but knowing it will feel like minutes. I practice not crying when we talk about it, I practice my calm mom face when I am anything but calm. And I do everything I can to make sure this all happens for him. Because I love him enough to want him to go and find his way in the world even though it means I won't have his loud music in my house or his friends spread across his bedroom sleeping on a Saturday morning after a late night of loudness and video games. I want him to go even though setting 3 places at the table  instead of 4 seems impossibly hard.   Mostly, I want him to go because it is time, it is his time and he wants to go more than I need him to stay. And soon we will have an answer to the WHERE question and I will calculate the miles between here and there. Not that I will travel those miles too often because I know that this journey doesn't always have room for me. A phone call away just like his brother and sisters before him and like them I will cry more than a few times as he slips away with one last hug. We will adjust and grow but oh how much I will miss Hank.

Contradictions

I have a huge amount of work to get done and that is a very very good thing but it stresses me out when I feel like I am running behind, which is almost always. And then there is the issue of me being an inherently disorganized girl who is craving some organization. And just look at the stuff on my work table. 

Yesterday....

Today.......

TOTALLY DIFFERENT!!!!

I need peace and I need storms. I need solitude and I need people. I like color and I like white.  Music so loud it shakes the windows and absolute silence....stillness. I want my children to stay young and in my house and I want them to go off to College and find their lives.  I like Dogs AND Cats.  I like the cold air on my skin and the sun on my shoulders. Long messy hair and a cute short haircut.  The beach AND the mountains as well as the prairies and rolling foothills...It goes on and on and on like that. And that is just how I am. That is the tangled and not so orderly part of my nature. The contradictions that are me. Translated from my personal life right into my design and business style. I try to put my signature on everything so my work is has a "look" and style that people will come to recognize as Wildflower 57. But then there are  there are all those contradictions. I guess in the end we follow our true wild nature and trust that we are the way we are and know we are just  perfect that way..... or rather perfectly imperfect the way we are. Be You and  God Bless the contrasts, the mismatchedness, the tangled and the contradictions....

Love wins

Barbara

In my own hands.....

I get overwhelmed with the weight of so many things. The business of holding a home together, the business of getting myself where I need to be and everyone else where they need to be, keeping track of it all, managing my home business and all the marketing and producing that I feel should be done versus the marketing and producing that I can truly get done. The reeling in of my big ideas, what to wear , should I cut my hair or let it grow, are my kids doing okay, eating healthy, getting fit, making dentist appointments, cleaning toilets...all of it sometimes feels like a freaking avalanche coming  hard. You know life, it happens fast and EVERY SINGLE DAY!  Throw in a ginormous amount of overthinking and working on some hard stuff and I'm a hot tangled mess.....chaotic, wild hearted and tangled. I am not organized, effortless or easy at all. A bit of a bouncy storm.

At night in bed when I can't sleep it gets a little rocky in my thoughts, so I head out to the back yard, stand under the stars and breathe deep...I take a breath or two or fifty so I can calm my crazy thoughts and anxiety down...and then I look at my hands, I mean really look at them and I remember that with these hands I can do anything.  With my hands I can  hug my children and grandchildren, my hands can carry what I need, my hands created this kitchen table business and my hands will carry it through. My hands know the touch of a loved one's face and the grasp of a friend reaching out. With these hands I can make and making is what I do. It is my world and my passion and these hands of mine are my tools. I talk with my hands, I touch materials and know they will work with my hands, I use my hands for knitting, sewing and every other thing I do. I use my hands to measure fabric at work . I love to throw my hands in the air when I dance, celebrate or exclaim. I clap my hands together in joy, I cup them around my mouth so my sons will hear my voice on the football field, I reach to the stars at night in the quiet dark solitude when I pray. 

And so it is with all of us. We have in our hands the possibility of everything. Helpless never, hopeless, certainly not. Not when we have our hands for making and for holding. For reaching out and touching, for grabbing what we seek and keeping it tight.  I am so grateful for my hands, my heart, my truth, my tangled messy mess, all of it. This life of mine, is in my own hands; yours is  too. So here is my new business card photo, I love it so much I want to hand them out to everyone I see because this picture is my heart and speaks to who I am.... I love it, and that's that... With these hands I will find my way.....

"The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands"
Anne Frank


Throw your hands in the air......
Barbara

I hope I make you proud......

It's December 26 and I'm sitting here pretty darn proud of myself for surviving , I mean shining right through Christmas. I did ride the Joy boat all through the month of December instead of wallowing and thinking about the love and holiday spirit I wish surrounded me. I concentrated on the best of things and I said  "Merry Christmas" to EVERY person I could. And each time, my heart filled up just a little bit more. I made cookies, I decorated the tree, I made gifts and I sang Christmas songs. I launched myself into the holiday like it was my job and guess what. It was great, really. Because joy got me through... So now what?  Time to tackle the hard stuff...

I miss my dad these days, more than the usual every minute I miss him. I so wish he was here with me right now for guidance and his gentle wisdom. A girl needs her dad for these kind of things. Someone to say "you deserve better" or "nobody treats my girl this way"...but he's not here and probably he wouldn't exactly say it like that. Because my dad was the kind of guy who taught me that being a girl didn't excuse me from handling hard things. I had to change a tire before I was allowed to drive the car. I learned to use a hammer and hand saw, I could sail a boat, ride a big horse and make a fire all before I was 6. Sometime I forget that is who I am and that is what I need my dad for.  His last words were to tell me to remember that I am strong and not to let anything break me down. I'm guessing he has been shaking his head at me lately because I have been broken down, feeling helpless and weak. I don't think he would be proud of my whining, wallowing or crying...at all.... 

My dad taught high school wood shop and there was a sign in the classroom portion of his shop that said "Your mother isn't in this class, clean up your own mess".....That sign has popped into my head more than a little lately. So while I've been wishing my dad was here to help me fix my stuff the truth is he is here....and I know I need to clean up my own messes. I'm out of shape, I am not healthy, my  marriage is not healthy or viable, I've been broke and broken, I'm a little terrified of making tough changes.  I'm afraid of being strong because then it truly does feel like I am alone in this world and I don't want to be alone in this world. It's hard stuff  my friends on a deep heart level but then again it's simple stuff. What doesn't work must be fixed or let go of. If you want to be strong, be strong. If you want something different, do something different... Stop talking...DO THE WORK.... It's my mess and I will clean it up.  I know my dad will be proud of me, I'm a little proud of me too....at last...

Thank you Melissa Rice for passing this graphic on.... it was exactly perfect.   

<3 Barbara

p.s. I promise I will talk of better things soon, thanks for riding along with me these days. You are all my favorites. 

Joy from where I stand.

I love the holidays. I mean LOVE LOVE LOVE the holidays....in theory...... I love  the celebrations, the get togethers, surprises, time spent just enjoying family and friends....all the stuff in the commercials and in my heart and mind. The problem with all that is that many times that isn't the reality and we start measuring up against commercials and our friends as they post their families all dressed up nice and share their party schedules for the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

And then there are the ones who bake and make and create amazing spreads of food and decor, they have family pouring into their homes and all kinds of wonderful memory making times. Multiple trees in the house all theme decorated and done with Pinterest worthy precision.  Time set aside for traditions and gathering... This is all totally inspiring and awe worthy. And overwhelming..... 

For a moment, let's consider those who don't have a house full of holiday enthusiasts, money is tight and even a new box of Christmas lights is has to be weighed as to whether it's a worthy purchase or frivolous.   And what are we to do when we don't have invitations or places to go. No dressing up or holiday parties to attend... what about those people, how are they to celebrate and enjoy the holidays feeling left out and overlooked... 

I've spent some years as one of those people and it's all my fault. I let the joyless spirit of someone else steal my joy or rather I gave up because I guess it was just easier than fighting the scroogeness. I stopped decorating with any enthusiasm, I stopped baking cookies (this is in some cases a good thing), I stopped thinking about Christmas cards, Christmas parties and social events.I did the bare minimum and wrapped myself in hurt and waited for the whole thing to be over. I've sat on Christmas Eve watching my family opening their pajamas knowing that there were none for me. I know I'm supposed to be an adult but truly that does sting a whole lot when nobody cares if you get any Christmas jammies. I've cried every Christmas for many years feeling left out and alone ...that is the truth. I gave away Christmas and I suffered for it.  And I've probably not been a good Christmas mom to my children. I've tried to fake it but I'm pretty sure they saw right through all of that. Christmas for me has just sucked for a while...my fault but suckage just the same. 

So what to do when money is still tight and there are still no invitations to parties or reasons to dress up?  Well I believe I will start with a little joy...or a lot of joy. Shower with it, breathe it, say it, sing it, wear it, seek it and believe in it. And when you start to slip a bit...go find some more... I don't know what else to do. Being sad and feeling lonely is not the deal. Filling myself with envy by looking at everyone else's Christmas morning pictures or wishing life had dealt me something more "fair"...not the deal...Joy is the deal. I know it sounds simple but honestly it's working. Every time I start to slip and believe me I do, I go outside, take a deep breath and remember that there is always love and it starts with me...I have two children left in my home for the holidays and the three of us deserve to feel the holidays even in the simplest forms. I have three grown children and five gorgeous grandchildren I don't see enough, and that will change, somehow, some way, I will fight for my Christmas joy and make sure the people I love know how much they matter.. I won't give up ever again

There will be cookie making  tonight and hot chocolate with candy canes hanging on the edge of the cup. There will be a trip to a picture taking place tomorrow with my iPhone to take a picture for Christmas cards and in the boxes of mixed up Christmas decor in the garage there is enough stuff to make this little house sparkle enough that Santa would be proud. I will buy my own Christmas Jammies and rather than wallow in pity and the sting of no Jammies, I'll just fix it. My boys won't have to feel badly that they were not allowed to purchase anything for me because I will give them money to shop for me.  I think I'll invite some girlfriends out for an ornament exchange and I'm going to dress up a little, rock my Grandmother's Christmas pin, drink something festive and laugh until my heart bursts wide open again.

My gifts are going to be simple, loving and handmade and I'm super excited to be working on something special for all the people I love.  There is always a way to squeeze a lot out of a little but it's truly all about where your heart starts from.  I won't have a Pinterest worthy Christmas tree in every room but you can believe that my little Christmas that Joy made will be sparkley and bright.....It may be from glitter, glue and cardboard but that's okay...it will shine....and I will remember this as the year I took my joy back... 

I wish you all the best of holidays and please know that however much or how little you have, it's okay.  Be happy my friends, it's going to be wonderful.  

Joyfully yours
Barbara

Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.

Helen Keller

You Deserve....

Oh my I have done what I promised myself I wouldn't do. I disappeared for a few weeks. And I apologize to you and to myself.  This is no way to run a blog!  So I will do a little catch up and tell you what is on my mind and be better at staying current.

I want to talk for just a teeny bit about what we deserve in life. I'm one of those girls who has waited for the World/Universe/People I know to give me what my heart aches for. Love, acceptance, encouragement and comfort.   I'm also one of those girls who never really felt that those things are mine to count on because I haven't been given enough permission to claim them as my own. It makes it hard to be totally comfortable in my own skin although I am probably 200 times better at it now than in my younger years, I still struggle with it. Because it is hard for me to say to my own self. I deserve love, I deserve acceptance, I deserve encouragement and I deserve comfort.  The thing I've been overthinking thinking about is learning to tell my self that I am deserving of all those things and more. That I deserve the best in life, that I am beautiful no matter the shape of my bottom and that I can be happy because I deserve it. Simply being here, being myself is good enough and the only one who can give me permission to accept all that is me.   I love big, I deserve big love. I encourage and in return I am worthy of encouragement. All good things are mine to grab onto but I need to stop standing back waiting to be noticed and offered the good things. Good things come to those who claim them without hesitation.  And I've been working on that. Which is why I've been quiet, I am facing down my own demons on this one sweet friends. There will never be enough to fill my cup until I start to fill it myself.

This is all part of that 100 better days thing I spoke of in my last blog about a month/ hundred years ago..... I have to make a conscious choice every moment to treat myself with kindness and love that I can give to anyone else but not myself. So my simple mantra to me ...YOU DESERVE THE BEST. I LOVE you no matter what.......   Maybe that sounds simple and silly but it's been a journey and a bumpy, twisty turny, cry in the middle of the night kind of journey, self acceptance and love. No longer waiting for the World/Universe/People I know to fill up that part of me that has waited for all those best things, breaking down the walls of untruths I tell myself that don't feed the good things.  Grabbing them for myself because I deserve them. You all deserve them and I hope that you already knew it before I rambled on about it but if you didn't, now is the time to believe You deserve the best of everything. You deserve love...

"I want you to know, that you deserve the best. You're beautiful."
~Lil Wayne~

....  Lastly...It's October, OH HOW I LOVE OCTOBER!!!   The weather where I live has shifted a bit, the nights are cool and although the days are still warm, the promise of cooler fall weather is whispering in my ear.  I got myself a new orange mug this morning, to celebrate the time of year when I feel the most alive and creative.  And truly if I was a color, I would be orange. Firey and demanding but warm and loving too. It used to be said that Orange didn't go with Red or Pink or even Aqua...but I think orange goes with everything, she compliments more than she clashes.....   And orange deserves  some love....We all deserve the best. Thank you Lil Wayne.

With Love
Barbara

100 Better Days

In the spirit of telling my story, I have with the support and loving encouragement from friends decided that the best way to be better is to do better. One step at a time. Not discouraging but encouraging myself and with every decision, choosing to be healthy. I'm NOT an expert in any of this, I'm a girl on a journey to be the strongest and happiest version of herself. So since I seem to love to throw the number 100 around, I've decided to go with 100 better days. Positive attitude, excited about what I can do to make myself healthier and more fit ...

That being said, I didn't convey how important I think it is that we make peace with our bodies and be comfortable in our skins. That bit of self love and drive has to come from what's inside and I know that. I just had a bit of a teeny meltdown because I am that kind of girl, a little stormy sometimes. Still I don't think it is ever ever a bad thing to want to do a little better.

So here is my plan, I'll try to gather real information and tips and will share with you how it's going for me . I would love love love if  you came along with me for this exciting and positive 100 days and see what happens. Please follow any Doctor's orders and don't take any of what I tell you for science. This is my real life journey and not anything close to being a strict regime or plan of any kind, because I'm messy and disorganized and need liveable changes that don't turn me inside out. Those never last. So here it is a bit at a time starting today..

Day 1. Stop eating processed sugar and flour and most importantly no fast food. I've done this before and I will tell you the first few days I get a little edgy.  Processed foods are not good for me and I want to only bring good things into my body.  I also did a little pool exercise for an hour. Drinking lots of water... There it is. A bit of change I can live with...

I won't be boring you all with EVERY SINGLE DAY updates, I don't want to be only about this process, it's just life changes.. I'll just check in and keep you posted randomly and I hope you do the same with me. And you can always email me at Wildflower_57@yahoo.com and we can privately keep in touch. If I find a healthy recipe I love, I'll share the link and anything else that comes to mind. I will also do some Instagram updates at @Barbarasuew which is my personal profile.

Love wins
Barbara